Meagan Drillinger

I am <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a18726344/how-to-get-over-a-break-up/" id="bcd98d45-9cae-3c0b-abb7-43a4545468d4"> not in one anymore </a> .

Being in a long-distance <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/relationship-advice/" id="978a3c97-f06c-3378-a630-dfe7136da5dc"> relationship </a> is one of the most difficult things to pull of successfully. Why? There has to be communication and, more importantly, there has to be trust. Without either, all youre doing is meeting someone attractive on vacation, sleeping with them, and then lying to yourself for a considerable amount of time that <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a26111265/open-relationship-guide/" id="878c72b7-c922-3114-ae0a-19df1ff8974f"> being exclusive </a> with each other is a really good idea.

So while I may not be the best person to give advice on maintaining a long-distance relationship, I can certainly tell you what does not work, and can offer solutions from real-life psychologists and relationship expertsmany of whom are actually good at being in long-distance relationships.

Setting expectations is the first and most important step in maintaining a long-distance relationship. Whether youre in the same time zone or on opposite sides of the world, its best to talk to each other about realistic expectations in terms of communication, visits, and, well, everything else.

Do Not: Over-promise or break plans.

Do: Give each other the freedom and flexibility to change plans, but also emphasize the importance of setting expectations.

Each couple who is in a long-distance relationship has their own unique needs, wants, and expectations, and it takes time and patience to figure out what works best for each couple, says Dr. Kelifern Pomeranz, Psy.D., and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist. Communication needs to be on point in terms of expectations around daily/weekly contact, and what happens if one individual is busier than the other and has less time to devote to contact, visits, and how conflict will be managed.

Questions to consider: How often will we chat for? For how long? How frequent will the visits be? How will visits be paid for? If there is a fight, what are our agreements about hanging up or not answering texts?

For many couples, being in a long-distance relationship isn't a challenge: It's precisely what makes the relationship work. But all couples who are trying to maintain their long-distance relationships should try to coordinate schedules so that their partner has time to feel like the priority.

Do Not: Call your partner in the middle of seven other tasks, or schedule your conversation for the end of the night when you know youre likely going to be exhausted.

Do: Make sure youre on the same page about when communication will be meaningful and prioritized.

"I recommend coordinating your schedules so you can have undistracted communication at a time of the day that works for each of you," says Dr. Rachel Needle, psychologist and certified sex therapist. (Dr. Needle has also been in a long-distance relationship for the past three years.)

"Get into a rhythm of communicating with your partner that is comfortable for both of you. Work on having meaningful discussions at times, rather than just check-ins and catch ups so you can grow closer despite the physical distance," she adds.

<h1> Have More Meaningful Conversations </h1>

When youre talking on the phone consistently, you may run into a little bit of a conversational rut because you might not have something incredibly exciting to say. Its not just you, most people dont have something newsworthy that happens to them daily. Thats why its important to have more meaningful or at least different conversations, so you dont grow bored of one another.

Do Not: Ask your partner the old How was your day?

Do: Ask an open-ended question that can lead to learning something new about your partner.

Use open-ended thought-starters like Whats something that made you laugh?, Whats something you love that youve never told anyone about?, or What do you remember most about that time when suggests Dr. Jess OReilly, Ph.D., sexologist, relationship expert, and We-Vibe sex expert. New questions will lead to new perspectives and new opportunities to celebrate each other.

Of course, dont force it. You dont need to have an earth-shattering conversation every single time you talk on the phone, but it is something to keep in mind when your daily calls start to feel tedious and underwhelming.

When it comes to relationships, technology can certainly be a silent killersocial media stalking, anyone?but it can also be a relationship saver. With more ways to communicate now than ever before, your partner might live in Bangkok but look and sound like they're in the same room. Video chatting is one of the most effective ways to build intimacy with long distance relationships.

Do Not: Stalk your significant others friends or followers and create stories in your head about how they might have met this person.

Do: Make time to look each other in the eye.

"I recommend using video chat to couples in long distance relationships," says Dr. Tom Murray, psychologist and certified sex therapist. "Order the same meal at a chain restaurant and eat it together. This allows for a shared experience."

For maintaining a sexual relationshipbecause, let's face it, you're going to be horny and alone many, many nightsDr. Murray recommends couples <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19538065/shocking-masturbation-facts/" id="dbd41694-3221-331d-a999-4f5d4644d39b"> masturbate </a> with each other. Do it over the phone, or even better, with video.

Its great to see your partners face when theyre talking to you, but its also great to see them, do well, other things. FaceTime sex is a great way to sexually bond with your partner.

Do Not: Take it too seriously.

Do: Have fun with it.

Dr. Murry recommends that couples masturbate with each other. Weve seen an uptick of people having . Couples who are enjoying it say that they really take their time with it. They dont immediately whip out their dicks or show their boobs; they tease their partner. Sometimes they even engage in a little virtual , giving their partner commands over the phone.

Cheerful relaxed woman in her apartment having coffee

If FaceTime sex isnt your speed, then take a step back and have regular phone sex (where you dont see your partner). Some people prefer only hearing their partners voice and using their imagination.

Do Not: Be silent.

Do: Have a sexy phone voice.

If youre not sure what to say, Daniel Saynt, founder of <a href="http://ns-fw.com/" id="ef561129-5d95-3d0d-a261-af5ae95bc793"> The New Society for Wellness (NSFW) </a> , a sex-positive members-only club that hosts sexual education workshops with a focus in BDSM, suggests listening to some erotica. <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a32129335/how-to-have-phone-sex/" id="4cc35a09-5600-31bd-a98d-14199d305343"> For a full list on phone sex tips, head here </a> !

Did you know that there are sex toys you can control from thousands of miles away using apps? Yeah, the future is here, my friends. Heres actually a .

Do: Get creative with when and where you use .

Just because youre apart doesnt mean your sex life has to suffer, says Dr. Jess. With couples toys like We-Vibe Chorus and the We-Connect app, you can play and share control of the toy from anywhere. While one partner wears Chorus, the other can control the deep rumbly vibrations. Novelty AND an orgasm? Its a win-win!

Young man using smartphone lying in bed at home

<h1> Maintain Your Individual Lives </h1>

Wondering and worrying about your partner (where they are, what they're doing) can become obsessive, especially if there isnt enough communication or trust.

Do Not: Follow each other on Find My Friends. That is creepy and a little controlling.

Do: Maintain your own life.

"A common problem I see in long-distance relationships are couples that are enmeshed, meaning they communicate all throughout the day and spend hours on the phone or video chatting all night," says Dr. Pomeranz. "This causes each individual to isolate themselves from their friends and can lead to increased feelings of insecurity and jealousy, particularly if their partner's schedule becomes busier."

Four friends in a club drinking and playing cards

<h1> Include Your Significant Other In Your Own Life </h1>

If youre already great at having a fulfilling life outside of your partner, thats awesome. But dont forget to include your significant other in that life when they come to visit.

Do Not: Keep your worlds separate. It will breed suspicion and jealousy, not to mention that the way to build intimacy is to let your partner truly know all sides of you, the same as you would if you lived in the same place.

Do: Make time to introduce your friends and colleagues to your significant other when he or she is in town. Make them feel included.

"Building a life and strong support system outside of your romantic relationship can be helpful," says Dr. Needle. "When possible, include your partner in that life when he/she is in town."

Like any relationship, long-distance relationships thrive on communication and trust, just like any other relationship. Oh, and phone sex.

How to Make Your Long-Distance Relationship Work

For three years I was in a long-distance relationship.

Advice for Making Your Long-Distance Relationship Work, According to Experts

There is still some holding onto what people might call outdated dating values, says <a href="https://modernsextherapyinstitutes.com/faculty/" id="9fa1d8a4-956c-3528-a938-da07ddb695dd"> Lawrence Siegel </a> , a clinical sexologist and sex educator. Either there is still a stigma, or there is a fear that there is a stigma.

But while we typically think of the "should I have sex on the first date?" question as exclusive to women, men struggle with this question, too albeit in a different way. If a guy has sex on the first date, it's essentially a signal to the other person that all they care about is sex, even if that's not necessarily the case. And if it is the case, having sex on the first date can send <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a29105484/mixed-signals/" id="3454ed43-1c59-340d-a0c3-a161a0bd220c"> mixed messages to the other person </a> .

"Ive been on dates before where I turned down sex on the first date, despite being attracted to the other person, because of the potential repercussions," JC*, 34, told Men's Health. "I could tell she was feeling a more emotional connection than I was.

Luckily, the stigma surrounding sex on the first date is rapidly changing. According to a survey <a href="https://theblog.okcupid.com/why-more-people-are-having-sex-on-the-first-date-7330ddbea30f" id="50b67948-7716-3e27-a3e5-f3b919eef9ef"> conducted by OkCupid </a> , 46 percent of users would consider having sex on the first date. Today I think we are having much more sex on the first date because of technology, as well as more relaxed attitudes about sex, especially for women, says sex therapist <a href="https://www.yoursexdoc.com/welcome" id="41814be0-f4b8-3cba-a613-1f21d7f28db3"> Dr. Debra Laino </a> .

So should you have sex on the first date? The answer, for Siegel, is a resounding: it depends. Here are some times when you should and shouldnt have sex on a first date.

<h1> Hell, yes, you should have sex on that first date! </h1>

There are a few reasons why sex on the first date isnt just not a bad idea, but a really great one.

<h1> 1) It helps establish whether you have chemistry . </h1>

More often than not, it takes time to figure out if another person is the right one for you. But every once in a while, you meet someone and you just know.

"I've had three, three-year-plus relationships and they all started with sex on the first date, says Alex, 38. The way I look at it is, if you lust after somebody that you don't know terribly well, it can still be a damn good start to a longstanding relationship. And I think it alleviates a lot of pressure."

If you really like someone, you shouldn't let outdated dating rules get in the way of that. "If a guy/girl doesnt call the guy/girl after a first date that ended with sex, it wasnt because of the sex," he says.

If it feels good, right, and there is enthusiastic and very clear consent, its kind of hard to find a downside," Siegel says. If you both are attracted to each other, why fight that or put off pleasure? And if you're not as into them afterwards, you only expedited the inevitable end. Waiting to get intimate wouldnt have changed your lack of interest following sex.

<h1> Eh, maybe you shouldn't have sex on the first date. </h1>

<h1> 1) You might lead the other person on. </h1>

If both partners are looking to have fun, hook up, and part ways, then that's one thing. But if she's looking for something serious and you're not (or vice versa), then that's another story altogether. "[Your partner's] post-sex expectations can be painful if both parties arent on the same page," says JC.

If things are <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19547362/45-sex-positions-guys-should-know/" id="dcd802ab-fef7-384d-a0d3-1b868e5fa406"> getting hot and heavy </a> , and it starts to look like first-date sex is in the cards, you need to ensure you guys are both on the same page. That can be as simple as saying, "Hey, I'm down with this if you are, but I just want to be clear that I'm not looking for anything serious right now." You're not a jerk for being honest, and it can mitigate the risk of hurt feelings later on down the road. (You definitely don't want to hook up with her, and then tell her you're not looking for a serious relationship. That's a jerk move.)

<h1> 2) You might do something you're uncomfortable with, particularly if you've been drinking . </h1>

There's a stereotype that all guys are interested in having sex with all women, all the time, but there are many legitimate reasons why you might not want to have sex on a first date maybe you're not attracted to the person, or maybe you have a history of unsatisfying <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19517509/new-rules-one-night-stands/" id="e5ffeb9f-0b61-3492-a74a-ff99becd5eae"> one-night stands </a> and you want to reverse the pattern. Whatever the reason, if adrenaline (and alcohol) are flowing, that ups the risk of you doing something you might later regret.

When youre in the heat of the moment, youre trying to figure out your policies, belief system, and what you will and wont do, says Siegel. Figuring all those things in that moment is not an instant calculus. When there is doubt and when you think ,Im not going to say NO and ruin the evening or upset my date, but Im not totally into this, it may just end up being, I will give in and bide my time. And thats not consent.

<h1> 3) First-date sex can be pretty terrible. </h1>

Even if you're super attracted to your date, the sex still might not be great, simply because you don't know what they like in bed. If this happens, you might be more likely to write the other person off (or have your partner write you off), when in truth, all you guys really needed was more practice.

If the chemistry is right and it feels special enough that it doesnt feel like a first date, then the <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/g19547414/50-best-sex-tips/" id="9a76e337-94b7-342d-abd8-4c04132130eb"> sex can be terrific </a> , Joe, 31, says. If you're both bombed in a crowded club and nodding even when you cant hear her, just to keep her happy enough to drop her pants later, then it probably wont be very good. You probably wont even remember her name.

<h1> So what's the ultimate takeaway on sex after a first date? </h1>

It depends. The key is to remember the importance of <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a26090182/communicate-better-relationship-girlfriend-wife/" id="9cc831c4-d364-3161-aff3-08ede5086c47"> honest communication </a> both with your date and with yourself. If it feels right, and if you're open and truthful about what you're looking for, then go for it. If not, then theres no harm in waiting. And remember: Outdated societal norms should not influence your decision one way or the other.

Should you have sex on the <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19517930/best-first-date-ideas/" id="a53dab9a-404b-3e06-a4ed-0b0dbca96ff0"> first date </a> ? That's a loaded question, particularly for women. Even in 2020, some women still believe that if they have sex on a first date, they'll automatically be labeled not marriage material. (You know the old saying: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Yeah, that's a dumb saying.)

Should You Have Sex on the First Date? We're Settling the Age-Old Question Once and For All.

Lets backtrack. One of my biggest fears has always been the thought of the person Im closest to cheating on me. I think thats fairly common. But I started noticing that when I had my intimate moments with myself (read: masturbation), the thought that got me off the most was picturing my partner having sex with someone else. I was never directly involved in any of these fantasies. But good lord, was I turned on. It seemed like such a crazy extreme: How could my biggest real-life insecurity also be my biggest fantasy turn-on?

I decided to have an open, honest conversation with my partner about all of this. (Bold, I know.) It turns out, what started as an internal struggle was able to blossom into one of the most fulfilling physical relationships Ive ever had.

He was into it! Not only that, it was a secret fantasy of his, as well. A match made in Caligulas palace?

"So many people and couples come in [to my office] and say that this is something they're interested in," says Dr. Holly Richmond, somatic psychologist and AASECT Certified sex therapist. "They feel like they're weird or super kinky. It's a pretty normal experience that a lot of people look for."

Step one in exploring our shared fantasy was having the conversation and affirming that we really did want to please each other sexually as best we could. But even though we were both turned on by the thought of us sleeping with other people, we didn't jump right into cuckolding, threesomes, or orgies. There has to be a natural progression because, at the end of the day, turning fantasy into reality isnt as simple as phoning up your five most attractive friends and asking them to have sex with your partner.

So we had a long, long talk about why we liked the idea of watching the other person have sex, but we also discussed why the idea freaked us out.

Cute Young Couple in Bed at Night Using Laptop, Watching Series, Reading Social Media, Browsing Through Internet, Talking and Having Fun. Top View Camera Shot

Its simple. I like the idea that someone else finds my partner sexy. I like the idea that my partner can turn other women on, and I want to see that. Its pure validation. I also like when my partner is turned on. I used to think that I was the only one allowed to get him aroused. But that notion is a fantasy itself. We are humans. We have eyes. We will find other people attractive, so instead of pretending it doesnt exist, I decided to embrace it.

"Part of this is evolutionary biology. It's very 'he's mine, she's mine.' Possessiveness is all about procreation," says Dr. Richmond. "When we challenge that and get to feel that jealousy, there's a tinge of eroticism to it."

"We can't discount the power of voyeurism," she adds. "This is why porn does so well. We love to watch other people have sex."

What if I saw that he was more turned on by someone else? What if his sex with someone else was different from our sex? What if it made me look at him in a different way and we couldnt recover? All of these things made me nervous, but the more we talked about our fantasy, the more normal the idea became, and the more excited we were to explore it.

"When people learn about their [partner's] erotic preferences and accept them, it becomes another part that is introduced and has to be fallen in love with," says Doug Braun-Harvey, sexual health author, trainer and psychotherapist. "We're living in an era now when this is a new relationship skill that is really an important one for long-term couples."

So my partner sent me a short video he took of himself and his ex-girlfriend. I braced myself, took a deep breath, and pressed play.

And my whole world changed. In the best way possible. It was one of the sexiest things I have ever seen. I absolutely loved watching it, from the way they sounded, to the way her face looked, to the way his face looked...every angle. It was hotter than any porn Ive ever watched. And its all because I was emotionally invested. I know how having sex with him feels, so I could imagine how she was feeling. I know how he sounds when hes turned on, so hearing him make those sounds turned me on. It was all a swirl of sexy imagery and erotic sounds and I knew that our sex would never be the same. But, again, in a good way.

As cheesy as it sounds, the best part of the whole experience was how close he and I became, because you have to be incredibly honest with each other to take a sexual relationship to this level. Not only did we have to talk about it beforehand, we had to check in during and after. It showed me that my feelings and levels of comfort were of the utmost important to him, because he kept asking me how I felt during the whole experience. It showed me that we can do things sexually as a team, and that he values my sexuality and sexual preferences. When we take sex to this place, it feels like a safe space. It feels like we are having an adventure together. That, I discovered, was the line between jealousy and eroticism. Betrayal and lying equals losing the foundation. Being sexual with someone else, as long as its communicated about and were doing it as a team, solidifies us.

"The reason this works is when a foundation is solid," Dr. Richmond says. "When the foundation is rocky and a couple is insecure and they think that this will save the relationship, I do not recommend this. You need a base."

Ultimately we decided that videos is where we want to draw the line. For now. Threesomes or cuckolding may be on the agenda down the road. Forever is a really long time, and you have to have a place to grow with your sexuality, not max out in the beginning. But for where we are as a couple in this moment, discovering this side of our sexuality has reinvigorated our sex life, drawn us closer together, and has eliminated many insecurities that have haunted us.

After doing some research and speaking with other couples and professionals, it seems like were actually not as wild and outlandish as we thought. This is a common fantasy, and one we should be talking about and normalizing. Why? Because if its consensual and no one gets hurt, who cares? Sex is about owning what turns you on and having the confidence to ask for itnot defend it. ENJOY.

"So much of sexuality still lives in cultural shadows," says Dr. Richmond. "That is changing, but not fast enough. Just own what you like and figure it out."

I Watch Videos of My Partner Sleeping With Others

It might not be the obvious relationship strengthener, but watching my partner have sex with his ex-girlfriend on video has actually brought me closer to him. Yep, you read that correctly.

I Watch Videos of My Partner Having Sex With Other People—and It Turns Me on

Or so asks Aimee of her boyfriend, Adam, in the opening scene of Netflix's <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7767422/" id="b987a3ed-247b-3d53-a597-34ba5355a2e5"> Sex Education </a> after he fakes an orgasm while theyre having sex. Yes, he fakes the orgasm-a concept I naively didn't realize applied to men, too.

I was aware that women sometimes fake their orgasms. (They shouldn't, by the way: It gives men a false sense of accomplishment; it perpetuates men's poor performance for their next partners; and above all else, women deserve real orgasms.) But until recently, I always thought the fake orgasm story ended there.

After watching Sex Education, and after deep discussions with several male friends, I've confirmed that women are no the only perpetrators of this unhelpful act. It's certainly harder for people with penises to pull off-a condom is kind of a necessity-but men do fake orgasms. (Note: If you're routinely among them, you might want to work on self-exploration and communication with your partner, so you can have the <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/g19547414/50-best-sex-tips/" id="c53ded9a-1642-34ac-aa05-c929cb532fff"> mind-blowing sex life </a> you want.)

Here, five guys open up about the times they've faked an orgasm.

Like anything in sex, what works for one person won't necessarily work for everyone. This may be especially try when it comes to <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19533515/how-to-talk-dirty-like-a-porn-star/" id="edc5a7ce-ffb7-314f-a6c9-5a0c6c8d4fc3"> dirty talk </a> .

I was having sex with a woman and she really was trying hard to get me off. Her mouth was running a dialog of filthy scenarios. But it was the first or second time we had slept together and I think she was recycling dirty talk from what a previous guy might have liked. No judgment, but it wasnt working for me. It wasnt my brand of dirty talk. But I didnt want to embarrass her because she was giving it her all. So I fake gave it my all. I knew this wasnt going to be a lasting relationship, and admittedly I just didnt feel like explaining what I was into. -Doug T., 43.

<h1> 2) She probably faked it, too. </h1>

<a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19535862/whiskey-dick-is-real-and-heres-the-science-behind-it/" id="70230244-45ca-37b3-a1f3-c0e13e3de2aa"> Whiskey dick </a> is a friend to no one, including this poor fellow.

I brought a woman home from a bar for what was clearly a one-night stand ... Normally it doesnt take me that long to finish, but for some reason the alcohol was winning over my horniness. She got off like three times before I even got to my one, so just to save some face before I lost my erection...I faked it. Thinking about it after the fact, she probably faked at least one if not all of her orgasms, too. -Sean C., 36.

This guy learned that the key to good sex is to be honest about who you are-especially if you'd rather be in bed with someone of another gender.

I was still in the denial phase that I was gay. I was trying so hard to prove to myself that I wasnt. So somehow I managed to bring home literally the most gorgeous woman Ive ever seen. I was really in it to win it, and I do find womens bodies attractive, so I was able to get hard. But halfway through I just had to admit to myself that if I couldnt get off for this woman, then I really wasnt into women. Im into dudes. I came out shortly thereafter...interestingly to her. She is one of my best friends today. -Scott C., 29.

For this guy, a faked orgasm was the easiest way to end a lackluster sexual encounter.

I met a guy on Grinder, who definitely, it turns out, was using pictures from not this time in his life. It wasnt quite a catfish, but it definitely wasnt as advertised. So already I was kind of not feeling it. But he was at my place so I thought, 'f*** it.' Turns out, not. I got bored. I didnt want it to go on any longer than it had to, and I didnt want him to stay, so I faked it. It wasnt my proudest moment, but it happened. -Greg L., 38.

Gay couple. Kiss. Love and relationships.

<h1> 5) Once the attraction goes, it starts to unravel. </h1>

It's tough to feel stuck in a relationship you're no longer into. But this guy learned it's better to rip the Band-Aid off; it's going to hurt regardless, so why spend a month faking orgasms?

My marriage was basically over. She knew it and I knew it, but I guess we werent ready to admit that it was that apparent. But we were still trying to salvage what was left through sex. But once the attraction goes, its not long before everything else starts to unravel. Especially if neither of you wants to try anymore. I still cared about her, so I didnt want to hurt her any more than I knew the end of the marriage was going to hurt her. The last month of our marriage, I just ended up faking it pretty quickly in, and then would go to the bathroom and jerk off in the shower. In hindsight, honesty would have probably been better, and would have saved us both a month of dread sex. -David B., 40.

5 True Stories of Guys Faking an Orgasm During Sex

"Where's the spunk, Adam?"

I think sexting is actually the worst. Im coming into this argument having spent the better part of my adult sexual life mastering the art of sexting. The entire arc of it-from the first U up? to the filthy video montage climax. It was a good ride, sexting. But if I never sexted again Im pretty sure Id die a better person.

Its a common fear that sex will get stale when it comes to actual, physical sex. But its appalling how quickly cybersex gets stale when youre reading from a script. Case in point: I had been dating someone for just under two months-peak sex time when youre both at your horniest-and after just a few sexting sessions he started to home in on the same hot-button words. How many times can you say rock hard before it starts to lose its meaning? After a while the tumescent euphemism triggered an eyeroll, rather than a panty drop. Call me crazy, but lack of creativity in sexting leads me to believe youre probably not that versatile in bed IRL.

In the beginning phases of a new relationship (however you define relationship), it can be exciting to get that occasional, Im thinking about you naked text while youre in the middle of a meeting. But that can eventually become your demise. Sexting ultimately becomes a crutch people use to avoid seeing each other in real life, whether they realize it or not.

And who can blame you? Who wants to go through the process of dating, making small talk, fighting the fray of meaningless date after date, or even put on pants when a sexual encounter is just a few taps away. You know you can touch yourself better than anyone else, so why not do it while a real, live person sends you naked pics? Its a great system.

Until you actually do want to have a meaningful sexual relationship with someone in person.

My boyfriend and I used to have sex all the time when I got home from work, says Rebecca G, 31. He worked from home, so wed sext during the day until that moment I walked in the door and we could go at it. But after a while, while the day sexting would continue, Id get home and hed be over the actual sex part. Im not saying the sexting was the entire reason, but maybe if we sexted less wed have actual sex more.

Were not in this for the sexting, just FYI.

How many times can you say yeah, I like that over and over? How many different angles can you actually find when sending sexy selfies? There arent enough filters or camera angles in the world to keep sexting exciting enough when compared to actual sex.

After a while you come to anticipate what the person is going to say on the other end. And whats worse than an in-real-life sexual rut? A sexual rut where you arent even making physical contact.

If I had to say, Spread my ass in a text message one more time I was going to lose my mind, says Kristen D., 24. After a while dont you get tired of the same dirty talk? How does that still even work for you?

Much like swipe culture, sexting is so impersonal that it is easily abandoned. Instead of breaking up with someone all you really have to do is...not respond. You never know how many other people your sext buddy is sexting with on their end. Where you lack in one department, he or she is likely making up for it in another. Its easy to become just another number on the screen.

Im guilty of it. If youre boring me, I have like three other people I can sext. Its way better than having to end something in real life. I just move on to the next, says Steve R., 34. Plus, Im not even going out and spending money on dates. I like having a string of women I can sext. Its my own Rolodex of personalized porn.

Thats not to say that all women want flowers and to be showered with gifts. But we would like you to show up, at the very least. Sexting has become so ubiquitous and easy that it tends to suffice during courtship. Didnt get to see each other this week? Lets have a healthy, sweaty volley of voluptuous verbiage until we both pass out in separate beds.

I get what you want to do to me. Come over and do it, says Carrie B., 36.

I dont think sexting should be eliminated. I think it has a time and a place. But in our culture of living in and off of our cellphones it has made us sexually and romantically lazy. Id rather be having sex with you than talking about it.

Im not a prude. Like, at all. A cursory glance at my browser history and a deeper glance into my IRL sexcapades will very much attest to the fact that I think sex is awesome. In all its forms.

This Is Why I'm Done With Sexting

Sex should be equal parts giving and receiving, and it can be frustrating to have a partner who is only focused on their own pleasure, and not yours. Beware the so-called "pillow princess" (or "pillow prince"): the sexual partner who's only thinking about their own needs.

"They come to sex in order to be pleased and not do too much work," says Dr. Juan Camarena, a licensed marriage &amp; family therapist and certified sex therapist.

Now, let's get one thing straight: It isn't selfish to want your sexual needs to be met-especially given that <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a25164827/women-orgasm-gap/" id="29be0507-d736-3d6f-a088-1bd1c8d1b07a"> women tend to have far fewer orgasms than men </a> . But it is selfish to completely shut out your partner's desires in favor of your own.

"In order to become sexually responsive, an individual needs to be primarily focused on their own experiences and follow their own sensations to a higher level of arousal," says Dr. Kelifern Pomeranz, an AASECT-certified sex therapist "But selfishness is being so absorbed in one's own experience that you ignore your partner's requests."

What's more, selfishness in bed can be a sign of problematic dynamics in other aspects of your relationship. We reached out to several experts to find out how to spot a selfish bed-mate, and what you can do about it.

<h1> Does your partner rush foreplay? </h1>

Foreplay is one of the greatest (and most important) parts of sex, and unfortunately, some couples overlook it in favor of getting right to the orgasm. But the warm-up is just as fun as the big finish, and many people need it to have a successful sexual experience.

Now, there are reasons your partner might skip foreplay that have nothing to do with selfishness. Maybe she had a previous partner who wasn't into it, or maybe he's worried that he won't last all the way to the main event.

But if your partner is skipping the foreplay and going straight to sex, there's a chance he or she might not care about giving you the necessary extra care and attention you need. Ask yourself:

<h1> Do they ignore, demean, or mock your pleasure? </h1>

If its unclear why your partner might be rushing through foreplay, the next question to ask yourself would be: Do they ignore your pleasure? Skipping foreplay because of performance anxiety is one thing. But skipping it because they truly arent interested in your experience is another.

"When you express what you would like in bed-like roleplaying, sharing a fantasy, or cuddling-does your partner blow you off either by actively ignoring your requests or by making fun of you?" asks Pomeranz. It's an important distinction.

After they orgasm, if they roll over and go to sleep, that's generally a good indication that they are disinterested in your satisfaction. Another sign might be that he or she insists on having sex even after youve made it clear youre not in the mood.

<h1> Do they brag to their friends about your sex life? </h1>

Some people don't mind when their partners share intimate details of their sex lives with their fiends, but others find it a massive violation of privacy. If you're in the latter camp-and your partner does it anyway-it's a good indicator of selfishness.

"Another way to tell if your partner is selfish in bed is if they brag to their friends about your sex life," says Pomeranz. "They tell all of their friends intimate details of your sex life without any regard as to how this makes you feel."

<h1> Do they use your orgasm as a trophy? </h1>

It's generally a good thing if your partner wants you to orgasm-but ask yourself, who is YOUR orgasm really pleasing?

If your partner cares about making you come because they want you to feel pleasure, then by all means, carry on. But if your orgasm is being used as a benchmark for your partner's personal success, that is a red flag.

"Notice if your partner becomes extremely upset if they are unable to help you achieve orgasm," says Pomeranz. "Are they mean, or do they put you down when you use a vibrator in order to reach orgasm?"

If so, you probably have a selfish bedmate on your hands.

<h1> What can you do about a selfish partner? </h1>

So youve identified that your partner is selfish in bed. Dont lose heart. There are still ways to fix the problem without having to end the relationship.

"Not everyone has the same needs, so it's up to you to recognize what your sexual needs are. Do you want a hug or a blowjob? Are you in the mood for a long series of foreplay, or just a quickie?" says Dr. Camarena.

After identifying what it is you want or need, clearly articulating it is the next step. Start with requests like "I'd really like it if you.." or "I'm wanting to try..."

"It is important to be thoughtful about the timing of these 'bigger' conversations about sex," Pomeranz says. "Trying to have the conversation right before sex can be a buzzkill, and having the conversation right after sex can feel like criticism. Both individuals should find a time to have the conversation when they are well-rested, satiated, and undistracted."

Try "complimenting your partner on what they are doing in bed that is working for you in the moment, and then gently suggesting additional things you would like them to try," Pomeranz says. "Then [try] expressing excitement after the sexual experience, reinforcing behavior that you would like them to repeat in the future."

<h1> When should you walk away from a selfish partner? </h1>

There are some circumstances that can't be fixed-or at least, not in a timeframe you're willing to endure. Selfishness during sex could indicate larger personality issues, and could mean you and your partner aren't compatible outside the bedroom, either. These are the instances where it might be healthiest to walk away.

"If you're in a relationship where you consistently feel used or unappreciated, and you partner doesn't want to talk about it, or do anything about it, those are pretty strong indications that you should evaluate what you are doing in the relationship," says Camarena. "All of us have the responsibility to try and get our needs met, and then make tough decisions when that doesn't happen."

There are a lot of tips out there on how to get the most out of your sex life. If you want mind-blowing sex, you're told to communicate what you want. You're told to be a little bit selfish-but what if it goes too far?

Here's How to Tell if Your Partner Is Selfish in Bed—and What You Can Do to Fix It

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