Eric Spitznagel

Stay with us for a second. For many guys, masturbation is about focusing on one organ and getting the job done as quickly as possible. But to mindfully masturbate involves utilizing your whole body, and all your senses, says sex therapist Chris Donaghue, Ph.D., author of Sex Outside the Lines. That means youre not racing for the finish line, and your orgasm isnt the primary goal.

It can make sex better by broadening your horizons. When masturbation becomes so formulaic that were depending on certain habits and techniques every time, it neurologically wires our body and arousal in a limited and rigid way, Donaghue says.

<h1> Okay, fine. So how do I do this mindful thing? </h1>

Try other approaches: See if your body might like something different just as much as (or more than) your standard session. Do you always sit? Try standing. Are you always quiet? Make some noise. Try it all, says Donaghue. Pay attention to everything, says Jessica OReilly, Ph.D., a sexuality and relationship counselor. How does your skin feel? What temperatures, textures, and sensations do you experience? she says. Youll become more focused on your senses rather than just on your ejaculation. Youll start to slow down and experience sex in ways you might have been too impatient to notice before. And if you only masturbate with porn, take a porn break.

Each of us has an inventory of sexual experiences, both fictional and real, that we can draw on while masturbating to get us to that next level. A poll earlier this year from dating website IllicitEncounters.com found that these fantasies can run the gamut from coworkers (27 percent) to friends (25 percent) to complete strangers (29 percent). But the most popular material, picked by 55 percent of respondents, is sex with an ex.

<h1> If Im with someone new, should I really be thinking of an old flame? </h1>

Yup. This is perfectly normal, says MH advisor Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. Reliving or replaying past experiences doesnt mean you have unresolved feelings for a former partner. People are capable of having fantasies that they dont want to make a reality, Lehmiller says.

<h1> I guess, but I still feel weird about this. </h1>

You shouldnt. First of all, those sex throwbacks in your memory bank arent very accurate. And second, theyre less about your memories of your ex and probably more about your memories of yourself.

<h1> What does that mean? Ive been getting off thinking of myself? </h1>

The hottest memories in your vault may be of you being a sex god in a past relationship-even if its not true. A 2014 Duke University study found that men were more unreliable narrators than women when it came to certain aspects of their sex backstories. And when men were in a great mood, they recalled having better erections and better orgasms than they actually did, says Kevin P. Weinfurt, Ph.D., the Duke professor of psychiatry who led the study. That distorted memory of yourself may help you feel more confident and valid the next time you have real sex.

So the mindfulness trend has hit masturbation now?

What You Need to Know About Mindful Masturbation

Botox, otherwise known as botulinum toxin type A, is injected into the penis. Yes, with a needle. The toxin paralyzes the smooth muscles inside the penis, which, surprisingly, ends up stimulating blood flow.

The Bad The effects last for several months, so it would be a four-to-five-times-a-year procedure rather than a pop-a-pill-every-time-you-want-sex situation. Scientists still havent figured out why using Botox doesnt leave guys wandering about with an erection, says Nicole Prause, Ph.D., a neuroscientist and sex researcher.

One in four men with ED reported an improvement in their erections after using a topical gel containing nitroglycerin, according to a recent study. The gel gives your body a hit of nitric oxide, which causes the muscles of the penis to relax so it can become erect. The Bad What good is an erection if youre not awake to enjoy it? Nitroglycerin, explains UCLA urologist Jacob Rajfer, M.D., makes your blood vessels dilate. And when they dilate, your blood pressure drops and you get light-headed. You may get an erection from the gel but may feel faint, or even lose consciousness.

Stem cells are extracted from various parts of your body and injected directly into your penis, says Jesse Ory, M.D., a urologist at Dalhousie University in Canada. Animal studies have shown promising results, and a Danish study with humans found that nearly half the guys got boners sturdy enough for penetrative sex.

The Bad Those Danish results sound great until you read the fine print and notice that the study was so small that only eight guys achieved erections. Not enough for anyone to flush their blue pills down the toilet just yet. And stem cells are tricky; they dont always turn into what you want them to, says Dr. Khler.

The Good Low-intensity extracorporeal shock-wave therapy involves shooting sound waves through erectile tissue, which clears plaque from blood vessels and may promote the growth of new blood vessels. Its not FDA approved yet, though its used abroad, says Irwin Goldstein, M.D., director of San Diego Sexual Medicine.

The Bad Because there is no FDA approval, there are imitation shock-wave devices out there, using acoustic waves unable to deliver the critical energy density, says Dr. Goldstein. Even with treatment using legit devices, you still might need other therapies to achieve functional hardness.

We already have excellent ED treatments that work, says Tobias Khler, M.D., a Mayo Clinic urologist. But theyre not immediate and often require effort-as in exercising, losing weight, or quitting smoking. So researchers keep looking for that quick fix that will lead to boners on demand.

Beyond Viagra: 4 New  Biohacks for E.D.

9:00 A.M. Ride your bike to the office Bicycle seats can kill boners, especially narrow saddles. The pressure on the perineum-the real estate between the anus and genitals-can damage erectile tissue, argues Irwin Goldstein, M.D., director of San Diego Sexual Medicine.

10:00 A.M. Pop pills for a nagging knee Multiple studies have found that the consistent use of nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (like Advil and Motrin) is related to decreased testosterone levels, ED, and loss of desire. See a doc or physical therapist, already.

3:00 P.M. Skip the gym Activity is an erection preserver, says Helle Gerbild of Aalborg Universitys Center for Sexology Research in Denmark. Its also a reviver: 40 minutes of at least moderate exercise four times a week for six months may improve erectile problems.

10:00 P.M. Forget to brush your teeth If you dont brush and floss for your smile, do it for your penis. Periodontal disease can make you more likely to suffer from ED.

10:15 P.M. Watch TV in bed Use it or lose it is true, but it doesnt take much to see improvement. A 2007 Finnish study found that men who had sex just once a week-compared with, well, men with any amount less than that-were 50 percent less likely to have ED. Three-times- a-week guys were 80 percent less likely to have it. The blood flow that a boner brings prevents scar tissue that can cause ED.

7:00 A.M. Wake up exhausted If youre too busy to snooze, its your erection youll lose. Its a terrible rhyme, but the science is airtight. Even in younger men, less than five hours of shut-eye per night could slash daytime testosterone levels by up to 15 percent.

Are Your Habits Killing Your Erection?

You can tell a lot by taking a close look at your penis. Sometimes you look at it and everything seems perfectly normal. Other times it can feel fraught with danger, covered in lumps, spots, nodules, and protuberances that all look like evidence of your certain doom. Were here to help you separate the facts from the panic attacks.

A Curved Penis It could be Peyronies disease, a condition caused by scar tissue that pulls your penis toward one side.

Fixability: It can be treated with drugs, injections, or even surgery, but the third option is for the worst cases, says MH advisor Larry Lipshultz, M.D., a professor of urology at Baylor College of Medicine. If it curves less than 10 degrees in either direction and you can still have sex that doesnt hurt either of you, leave it alone.

White, Yellowish, or R eddish bumps These are often just enlarged oil glands, called Fordyce spots, says MH advisor Elizabeth Kavaler, M.D., a urology specialist at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City. No treatment is needed, and they typically disappear on their own after a few years. They can resemble an STD, such as the bumps you see with herpes, but arent painful or itchy and dont pop and scab over. Fixability: Time is all it takes.

A Purple or Splotchy Penis An inexplicably purple penis is alarming. It might just be the way your blood vessels react to all the extra blood flowing to the penis during an erection. Or it could be a rupture of the fibrous layer that surrounds the erectile cylinders, says James Kashanian, M.D., a urologist at New York-Presbyterian Hospital-meaning youve fractured your penis via a significant bending injury during sex. Fixability: If you feel a pop during sex, followed by bruising or swelling, seek immediate medical attention. As if a penile fracture werent bad enough, not getting immediate attention can lead to issues you dont want to have to deal with, including significant erectile dysfunction, says Dr. Kashanian, or penile deformity.

A Small, Clear Blister If it pops and scabs over, its usually herpes, says Aaron Spitz, M.D., author of The Penis Book. The blisters can also be tender or painful, he says. As a general rule, if its on your penis and it hurts, call your doctor. Fixability: If you see something suspicious, its important to get tested right away. If its herpes, you cant rid yourself of the virus; it can lie dormant in you. But you can get antiviral meds to reduce outbreaks, and using condoms can lower the risk of spreading the infection through sex by 30 percent.

A Cauliflower-Shaped Growth If theres no pain or itching, youre likely dealing with genital warts, says Dr. Kavaler. Theyre caused by exposure to human papilloma-virus (HPV), which will infect around 80 percent of people in their lifetime and can sometimes lead to penile cancer. Fixability: Genital warts do not regress on their own, says Dr. Kashanian. Treatment can include topical lotions, cryotherapy (freezing them off), laser therapy, or having them surgically removed. If youre not going to avoid sex until theyre gone, youve got to glove it. However, the virus can still be transmitted by direct skin-to-skin contact, Dr. Kashanian says.

What Your Penis is Telling You Right Now!

Instead, youd know Kurt Russell as a baseball player. Up until his mid-20s, thats the career Russell had his sights on. He played on minor league teams like the Portland Mavericks over four seasons, and was well on his way to a major league career. The only reason he got into acting at all was, ironically, because of baseball. At 11 years old, he went to his first audition, for a movie called Safe at Home, just for the chance to meet his heroes Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris.

He wont be catching any fly balls or hitting any homers this spring, like he dreamed of doing when he was a kid. Instead, he went with his plan B: He became a multi-millionaire movie star. We called Hollywoods reigning king of cool to find out if the choice is still bittersweet. When baseball season starts up again in the spring, do you ever get pangs of regret?

I used to. Up until I was 30 or 31, I had a hankering every spring. When you spend as many thousands of hours fielding ground balls and taking batting practice, its how you identify yourself. It informs not just your body, but your mind. I still wanted to play.

Acting wasnt as fulfilling?

Theyre just completely different things. Theyre not even like apples and oranges. Theyre like a race car and a TV remote control. Theres no connection.

Do you not get a similar adrenaline rush from making movies?

Sometimes. When you start cranking into a character, and you can feel the other actors go, Yeeeah, that motherfucker is bringing it, here we go. Thats when it gets good. You get that same thing in baseball, when the intensity starts heating up, and you and your teammates are really connecting, and you think, Yeah, bitch, lets go. Lets play ball. Its a great feeling. Its the crackle.

Whyd you give up playing pro ball?

Well, no. It was a couple of things. I was using my arm more than I should. I took a hundred ground balls before every game. And then one night I was out celebrating, had a few too many, and blew out my arm playing air hockey.

You can do that?

You can if you play for three hours straight and throw your arm into it way too hard. I found out it was over from a doctor who had a terrible bedside manner. He examined me and said, Arent you an actor too? I said, Yeah, yeah. And he said, Well, youre an actor all the time now. [Laughs] That was it. He just walked out of the room. I sat there for like ten minutes, not knowing what to do. I was like, Is that it? A nurse had to come in and get me. I was just devastated.

Yeah. I pitched it to (Escape From New York writer/director) John Carpenter and he immediately said, Yes. Do it. I knew then that Id made the right decision to sign on to the movie. Some directors hem and haw, theyre like, Hmmm. I dont know. But with John, it was immediate. He trusted me.

Did you invent a whole backstory? Did Snake lose an eye or something?

Stop holding out on us!

I think it should be mysterious. That was the point. We know he was a war hero. But what happened to him? Whats underneath that eyepatch? Maybe he was hit with an infrared beam and it burned his retina and fucked him up really badly. Whatever it is, it still kinda hurts.

Snake does always seem to be grimacing.

Thats right. Hes always in pain, but hes just gotten real used to it. Its a tired, dull ache. Probably comes from whatever radio waves they put into his eye. Maybe they tried to give him a bionic eye and they fucked it up.

That mystery is more fun for the audience too. It keeps us guessing.

I always try to look for the things that would make me want to see the movie. I want to be in the audience thinking, Why the fuck is that guy in an eyepatch? They never explain it! It keeps you on your toes.

Its rare enough for an actor to create an instantly recognizable, iconic character like Snake. But you have a resume filled with action figure-ready roles.

Thats exactly right. I had one of those toy-manufacturing guys call me up and say, Did you know that six of your movie characters are action figures?

Snake, ONeill from Stargate, Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China, John Ruth from Hateful Eight, MacReady from The Thing and, uh. . . dangit, who am I forgetting?

Yes! He told me it was unusual not just because of the number, but because theyre all original characters. Theyre not comic book characters or Star Wars characters. Theyre something I helped create. They all have a distinctive look that I contributed to.

You had a chance to make it seven with Guardians of the Galaxy. You played an actual planet.

Is it more difficult playing somebody with his own solar system?

Nah. I like doing characters that couldnt be more different from me. I dont want to play myself over and over and over again. Thats boring. Id rather be a god. [Laughs.]

Which hairstyle do you regret the most, the mustache from The Hateful Eight, or the mullet from Overboard?

If you ask Goldie [Hawn, his girlfriend since 1983], shed definitely say the mustache. Not even that one in particular. I think she didnt like the Wyatt Earp one more.

Wasnt that your first big movie mustache?

Thats right. It was definitely an adjustment for her. Shes not a fan of the woolly mammoth. I felt bad for her.

But shes okay with the Overboard mullet?

I think she was. We saw Overboard again recently. We were getting into bed, the TV was on, and boom, theres Overboard. We hadnt seen it in at least 30 years.

Did you watch it?

We watched all of it! And we dont usually watch our own stuff. With most actors, you see it once when its finished, at the premiere or something, and thats it, you move on. It was very weird to see it again, after all these years. You remember things you didnt realize you remembered, and youre completely inundated with the sweep of memory.

And then you made sweet love while watching it?

You did, didnt you?

You know whats interesting? Overboard has what may be the most risqu line ever in a PG-rated movie. Goldie says, Caviar should be round, and hard, and of adequate size, and should burst in your mouth at precisely the right moment. [Laughs.] I mean, Jesus Christ. How overt can you get?

That is pretty dirty.

And youve got Goldie Hawn saying this! What the hell? Its so filthy, and it goes right over everybodys head. [Long laughter.]

What other Kurt Russell movies are worth watching again while having sex?

My vote is for Tango &amp; Cash.

Its got that scene with you in a dress. I'm just saying...

Honestly, I have no clue. I try to avoid watching my own movies. There are certain ones you cant avoid stumbling upon on TV. Every once in awhile, Ill watch a little of it. But never from beginning to end.

Is there any role you thought was cool at the time but in hindsight you wish you could take another crack at it?

No. I dont think about it enough to have that question. Once its done, its done. Time to forget it. Thats the greatest thing about our business, and also the most difficult. When I finished doing Hateful Eight, I was so sorrowful. It was such an amazingly positive experience, I didnt want it to end. But thats just part of this business. Sometimes the circus has to move on, and youre not going to be leaving town with it this time.

[This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, in the April 2017 issue of Mens Health.]

Kurt Russell Discusses His Most Iconic Roles

In a parallel universe, Kurt Russell the actor doesnt exist. His classic movie roles, like John The Hangman Ruth in The Hateful Eight and Snake Plissken in Escape From New York, never happened or were played by somebody else. All those awesome eyepatches, mullets, and shaggy mustaches never made it onto celluloid.

Kurt Russell Reveals the Bizarre Injury That Pushed Him Into Acting Full-Time

Sex workers love talking about their married clients. Theyve got tales thatll make you cringe, involving some pretty out-there sexual requests. (It would seem that if more married women consented to put their fingers up their husbands buttholes, prostitution might cease to exist.) But many of their stories are shockingly, well.. sweet.

The way they talk about their relationships with their Johns-whove been repeat customers almost as long as theyve worn wedding bands-it almost sounds like a marriage. A happy marriage, no less. Brianna, a sex worker based n New York City, estimates that 90 percent of her clients are married or in long term monogamous relationships. And while they certainly visit her for the chance to be with a naked woman who isnt their wife, she also says that her job is 95 percent emotional labor and just 5 percent sex.

And the emotional labor is a two-way street. Some married guys try harder to please their prostitutes than they do the women they ostensibly promised to spend the rest of their lives with. We spoke to a dozen high-end escorts-the self-employed women who make more per hour than most cardiologists-and asked them to share their relationship secrets.

What do their married clients do right, and when do they screw up? How do men woo them, negotiate with them (emotionally and otherwise), and behave in ways that would probably translate nicely if they started using these same strategies with the women theyre cheating on, who arent offering their companionship in exchange for an envelope filled of cash left discretely on the nightstand?

Lesson 1: Ask For What You Want Like Its a Business Transaction With prostitutes, there are no games or emotional manipulation. If you want something specific, you have to ask for it. Whether your idea of a good time is gently spooning while she strokes your hair, or getting spanked while she calls you a dirty little man-bitch, you have to tell her up front.

Its so easy in this environment, says Amber from New York. Maybe its because of the transactional nature. Its better this way, I think. You cant go into a car dealership and say, Whatever youve got on the lot is fine.

Heather from Orlando, Florida says her best customers are the ones who dont beat around the bush (unless thats what theyre paying for.) I had a guy actually write me a three page letter, explaining every tiny detail about his fetish, she says.

The same goes for the escorts. Theres not a lot of mystery about what they will or wont do. Its all there on my website, says Heather. No scat or piss fetishes. No physical pain. You want any of that, dont waste your time.

Married couples expect each other to read their minds, says Cecilia Dahl, an escort who sees clients in Austin, Dallas, and Houston, Texas. Thats not how it works, at least not with us. Maybe because theres money on the line.

She cant grasp why married men arent more honest with their wives. Its weird, Dahl says. Youll make sure a Starbucks cashier knows exactly what you want. But you wont tell your wife you like oral, and youve made a vow to be with her forever.

The Experts Say:

They might be on to something, says Dr. Michael Bennett, MD, a Boston-based psychiatrist and co-author of F*ck Feelings: One Shrinks Practical Advice for Managing All Lifes Impossible Problems. Just dont take their advice too literally.

The sex worker or Starbucks employee knows that they can invite customers to ask for what they want, says Dr. Bennett. Not just because the transaction is impersonal, but because no matter how degrading or demanding the request, theyre going to get paid.

Youre not paying your wife for sex. (At least you shouldnt be. If money is changing hands, youre doing marriage wrong.) You cant walk into your bedroom tonight and make requests like youre picking options from a menu. But there is some value in talking about the things you want-sexually and otherwise-with a little more openness and bluntness.

Take the emotion out of it, says Dr. Bennett. Stay away from expressing your need for sex or your feelings that you deserve it. Instead, talk about whats lacking in the bedroom without making it personal. Tell her you want to know what gives her pleasure, and she should know what works for you, because its good for the relationship, say Dr. Bennett.

Lesson 2: Have Sex on a Weekday, During Your Lunch Break

Married men rarely visit prostitutes at night, and absolutely never on the weekend. Thats how sloppy Johns get caught. If you want to be surreptitious about paying for sex, you do it on a weekday, when youre supposed to be at the office and youve got the perfect alibi.

One of my regulars always tells his secretary hes going to the library, says Dakota, a longtime escort from Denver, Colorado. I think that makes it more exciting for him. Its an extra layer of doing something naughty. Youre on the company dime, and youre actually getting laid.

Remember when sex with your wife used to be like that? When there was no such thing as date night? Youd sneak away to see her, and it felt like you had a filthy secret from the world.

The best sex is when it feels like youre getting away with something, says Deb Libra, an escort in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Thats what married people need, that sense that youre doing something you shouldnt be. You should look at your partner and tell her, I miss it when we used to do it in the car.

Men dont visit prostitutes just because paying for sex is the only way theyll get laid. Well, okay, for some of them maybe. But many guys are looking for the adrenaline rush theyve lost in their marriage.

Whats exciting about being with a prostitute is the thrill seeking, the risk taking, the taboo quality of it, says Wendy Fader, Ph.D., a psychologist and sex therapist. All the things that you ostensibly give up when you say I do.

A date night comes with zero risk. The worst that could happen is maybe the babysitter cancels, or you forgot to make reservations at that one restaurant you both wanted to try. Theres never a feeling that before the night is over, youre both going to need a good lawyer.

How do you recreate that sleeping-with-a-prostitute excitement, but without the exchanging-currency-for-sexual-favors part? Its about finding ways to add an element of surprise and the unexpected, says Fader. You need a mental amphetamine. Its not that complicated, it just takes energy. People go brain dead in a marriage. You have to be willing to try things that make you uncomfortable.

Do your date nights usually happen on a weekend? Cancel it. Instead, have her meet you downtown during your lunch break for a quickie. Rent one of those by-the-hour hotels and see what happens. Or if you have to do a weekend, wait till your in-laws are on their way over, and then see if you can master the complicated positions necessary to have car sex in your unlocked garage before they arrive.

Are you seriously doing this? Hell yes you are. Youre a bad, bad man. Its time to remember what that feels like again.

Lesson 3: Fighting about Money Gets You Nowhere

Savannah from New York has never had a disagreement with one of her customers about money.

There are some guys who come in here and want to negotiate rates, she says. But I kind of always win. My price is not negotiable. You dont like it? Get the fuck out.

She thinks all financial disagreements between men and women should happen this way. Things cost what they cost. You pay for them or you dont pay for them. The things you dont pay for, you dont get.

Im not an asshole, she says. If youre a steady client and youre $20 short, I wont chase you down the street. But next time, you better make it right.

Getting into shouting matches with your wife about unpaid bills? You may be on the path to divorce, says Sonya Britt, Ph.D., a professor at Kansas State University.

She studied data from more than 4,500 couples, and found that arguments over money-more so than arguments about children, in-laws, and even the frequency in which they have sex- resulted in lower relationship satisfaction and a higher likelihood of divorce.

In fact, Britt found that all that yelling about finances could play into extramarital relationships.

Which is kind of ironic, if you think about it. Fighting with your wife about money could lead you into the arms of a prostitute, with whom you never fight about money. Your ex-wifes credit card bills were egregious, but hey, a blowjob costs what it costs, right?

It all comes down to treating your wife with the same respect youd have for a woman charging you extra to tickle your balls.

Lesson 4: Give Your Armpit an Extra Whiff

Think the only thing prostitutes care about is money? The money is great, but Ill give up the biggest payday is he smells like a dumpster, says Crystal from Los Angeles.

When escorts talk to each other-thats how they find out whether a new client should be trusted-they dont talk about whos a big spender or who has an enormous schlong. None of that matters, Crystal says. The best recommendation you can get is if she says, He shows up on time, and hes clean. Thats like music to an escorts ear. Oh my god, hes clean?

Deb Libra has horror stories about clients who didnt appreciate the amorous value of basic hygiene. I can still remember my second day of doing this, she says. My booker calls, says a guy has negotiated for two hours. Whats he offering? Okay, Ill take it. He walks in, and the smell, oh my god, it was indescribable. It was like a cross between old cabbage and a corpse. I almost quit the business then and there.

As a 20-year vet of the sex trade, she doesnt have a lot of expectations about the men she sleeps with for money. I can accept that not everyone is going to have a stellar body, she says. Just be clean. Please, for the love of god, be clean.

Its not that you dont bathe enough. Youre not a train hobo from the 1930s. You take showers and use grooming products. You probably dont smell like old cabbage and a corpse.

But that doesnt mean you dont have body odor, and that she might be noticing something that you dont.

Women are more sensitive to odors in general than men, says Dr. George Preti, Ph.D., an organic chemist who studies body odors at the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Women will notice an unpleasant odor before a guy will. She may even notice something that he cant smell at all.

Preti has conducted research that proves as much. In a study comparing the olfactory abilities of men and women, only two of 32 fragrances blocked women from noticing a foul body odor, while men were fooled by 19 fragrances. Just because you cant smell something doesnt mean its not there.

So whats the solution? Dont be overconfident in your odor profile. Ask her, Preti suggests. Id trust your wife before Id trust your own nose.

Lesson 5: The Grass Isnt Greener In Another Womans Pants

Every so often, one of Savannahs regular clients goes through a horrifying transformation. He gets that stupid look in his eyes, she says. He starts holding my hand too hard, or making too many jokes about how we should run away together. And Im like, oh no, this poor bastard is catching the feelings.

Yes, sometimes Johns fall in love. They promise to divorce their wives, empty their bank accounts, and devote themselves entirely to the woman theyve been paying for sex.

The problem isnt the impracticality of it, says Brandy from New York. (Divorce is messy enough without adding a prostitute lover into the nix.) Or that theyre confusing fiction like Pretty Woman with reality. The problem is that prostitutes are people. And people get more annoying the more youre exposed to them.

They dont have to live with me, says Brandy of her clients. They dont know what Im really like. Its very easy to be on your best behavior for an hour or two.

Melody, an escort in Indianapolis, Indiana, has dealt with a multitude of men suffering from grass is greener syndrome. Some of them tell me, I would leave my wife for you. But theyre getting the fun part. They dont have to deal with me day to day. They dont see me in my sweatpants, vegged out on the couch, or stressed out about bills. If I lived with them, I guarantee Id become their nagging wife.

Theres nothing wrong with escape fantasies, says Fader. Even the most happily married couples daydream about getting out.

Thats human nature, says Fader. But in a solid relationship, you might look at your co-worker and she seems really cool and hot and interesting. But then you keep your dick in your pants and you go home to your wife.

Enjoy your fantasies. Imagine how wonderful itd be to skip town with that mystery woman, create a new life and start over. But dont act on it. Its the same reason you can have revenge fantasies and then not poison your bosss coffee the next day. Because youre not a crazy person.

Lesson 6: Its Okay to Want Something Just For You

Amber prefers married clients because they seem generally happier. From her vantage, single guys are insecure and guilt-ridden, but the married ones seem to have fulfilling lives. I have one guy who talks about his kids all the time, how great his home life is, she says. He has this attitude like, I work hard, I provide for my family, so let me have this. Let me just have this one thing.

Its a reasonable request, until you remember, oh yeah, his one thing is putting his dick inside another woman.

I asked a married guy about it, Amber says. I asked him, Why are you doing this? You could lose everything. And he was like, Ive made a lot of sacrifices for my family. We picked up and moved to a city that I dont like. We got the house that she wanted, near the school thats perfect for our son. Ive done everything for them. I need something thats just for me.

Lets break this down: Having hobbies are cool. Having hobbies that dont involve your wife are cool. Having hobbies that maybe your wife doesnt know about or even approve of are cool. Just dont have hobbies that might result in you getting gonorrhea.

I call it enlightened selfishness, says Diana Wiley, Ph.D. a licensed marriage and sex therapist in Seattle, Washington. Its about taking care of yourself first. They even advise on airplanes to secure your own oxygen mask first before helping your child.

In essence, Ambers married client had the right idea. Its okay to want something thats just for you. Its okay to be selfish. Its even healthy to be selfish, to do something that solely satisfies your needs.

When we do this, typically we are better partners and parents, says Wiley. When we feel energized- without resentments-this often flows into the primary relationship.

Treat yourself to something special today-play hooky from work and go to a baseball game, or anything else that makes you happy-and dont tell her about it. It could be anything at all, as long as it doesnt-and we cant emphasize this point enough-involve your penis making contact with a person who isnt your wife.

Lesson 7: Some Fantasies You Should Probably Keep to Yourself

I dont see fetish guys, says Brandy. If it costs more than my therapist, Im not going to do it. There are some things you cant unsee.

You dont want to know more, but you kind of do, right?

Once a man wants you to dress him in a diaper and feed him milk from a baby bottle, you cannot look at him as a man anymore, Brandy says.

It gets so much worse. Brandy recalls another client whose favorite fantasy involved burning her at the stake for being a witch. Im on a rack, being tortured, she says. Im burning alive, and hes screwing me, mumbling something about the Judgment Day. It was awful. I wanted to die afterwards.

Its amazing what some escorts will smile and tolerate from their customers. But even they have their limits. Im not going to dress a 65 man in a womans dress, Brandy says. Im 52. Its disgusting! Its inappropriate. You know what I want to tell my clients sometimes? Stop trying to force a square peg in a round hole! Thats not even a metaphor or whatever. I mean literally, keep your weird shit away from my round hole!

Christian Joyal, Ph.D, a neuropsychologist at the University of Montreal in Quebec, Canada, is pretty forgiving when it comes to weird sex fetishes. In 2014, he led a study examining the sex fantasies of about 1,500 adults, and found that most of the desires considered atypical by mental health textbooks are actually pretty common and healthy.

In other words, that sex act youve been afraid to try because you think its so kinky really isnt all that kinky.

Unless, that is, it involves burning somebody at the stake. The first criterion to determine if a sexual interest is abnormal or pathological is if it involves non-consenting partners, Joyal explains. This includes sex with children, animals, anything involving rape, and oh yeah, burning witches.

Yes, re-enacting an interest to burn a witch should be considered pathological, he says.

Nobody is saying your marriage shouldnt be a safe and nonjudgmental place to explore your fantasies. But if what youre into would make even a career escort wince, then maybe you leave your wife out of it.

I think wed probably be horrified if we shared all of our fantasies, says Fader. Thank goodness we have filters. A little repression can be a good thing.

[This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, in the November 2016 issue of Mens Health.]

Theres an old saying: If you treated your wife like you treated your hooker, youd have the worlds strongest marriage. Not familiar with that chestnut? Well, then you probably havent talked to enough prostitutes. Yes, they say things like that. And theyre not kidding.

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So beginning in 2012, he decided to teach himself to cook. No more fast food and binge eating. He recorded his progress on his personal blog, and it soon attracted a following. It grew to the hundreds, then thousands, and now he has millions of followers on Instagram, YouTube, and his <a href="https://fitmencook.com/" id="a0d042db-3b0e-3877-a34b-daacb9b5c5fd"> Fit Men Cook </a> website.

Curry, now 37 years old, is down to a slim 195 pounds on a 59 frame. And not only is he off antidepressants, he's feeling better than ever. As he explains in his new book, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1501178725?tag=simonsayscom" id="6bf52475-9d44-3bbb-a24f-c3afb72d85be"> Fit Men Cook: 100+ Meal Prep Recipes for Men and Women </a> (out now), he discovered that a healthier lifestyle could help me feel better and manage my emotions in more productive ways. And although I still struggle with depression off and on, I now have a game plan.

To dig deeper into that game plane, I called Curry, whos on the road promoting his book-if you live in Atlanta, you can catch him <a href="https://www.eventbrite.com/e/new-fitmencook-book-event-atlanta-ga-tickets-56226421741" id="398a73a1-f896-3d37-ad14-952d0ebc4f06"> on February 26th </a> . We talked about depression, overeating, and whether salad can be taken seriously as a winter comfort food.

Men's Health: I'm in Chicago right now. It's about two degrees outside. Every fiber of my being wants to get into sweatpants and eat a bunch of pasta.

Talk me out of eating that pasta, Kevin. Im begging you.

Well, heres the thing. I used to live in Boston and it was super cold there. I did the same thing, except instead of the pasta I would have shepherd's pie.

Thats good stuff.

There's nothing like cold weather to make you want to stay inside and make bad decisions. But what I've noticed is, comfort food is a big myth. It shouldn't even be called comfort food. It should be called instant comfort. Because thats all it is. All the pleasure and relief it gives you only happens as youre spooning the food into your mouth. But once you finish, when the meals gone

Thats when the self-loathing begins. Right! And the bloat.

Bloat and self-loathing are the yin and yang of winter depression.

So you repeat the process, because you want those good feelings back. But its a momentary comfort. You tell your buddies, I feel sad, lets eat some cheese fries, theyll probably join you.

And the cheese fries are everywhere. Theyre easy to find. And its all so cheap. You can get a value meal for two bucks, with a burger, fries and a Coke. But a salad will cost you eight or ten bucks. So not only is junk food acceptable, its easy to abuse. For me, it was about learning to be mindful about what I was putting into my body. Food is just therapy. We medicate ourselves with food. And a lot of times, we do it in a trance.

How do you mean?

We dont pay attention to what were eating. Because were busy. Youre doing things and trying to squeeze it all in. You get lost in that hamster wheel of life. And then suddenly youre like, Okay, Ive got to eat something, so you find whatevers easiest and closest and gulp it down and go back to what you were doing. We dont pay attention. It doesnt matter. Its just rote behavior. We need to find ways to be more mindful when were eating.

How do we do that?

You have to remind yourself of why you're doing something. And when you want to change, you remind yourself of why you're breaking away from your old behavior. When I started, I needed to remind myself of my goals. I live in Texas, and admittedly our cold weather has nothing on Chicago.

But for a Texan, it can feel cold. And that makes you want to eat. So during months like this, I would set goals for myself, whether it was a weight loss goal or a fitness goal. It gave me something to work towards, and to look forward to. It was really a way to remind myself of why I wasnt going to do the things my head and body were telling me to do. And I would make sure those goals were very visible. Id write them down and put them on my fridge, or my bathroom mirror.

Seeing those goals would stop you?

Sometimes. Not always. But a lot of times, yes. Because I couldnt open the fridge in a trance. I saw that reminder of what I was doing, and why. And that snapped me out of it. It forced me to ask, Hey, okay, youre hungry, I get it, but what narrative am I trying to write for myself? I had to be confronted with that question every single time. So even if its below freezing outside and I just want something greasy and calorific because I think its going to be instant relief, I go to the fridge and see the note, and it says, Kevin, don't forget you got the Tough Mudder coming up. Or You promised yourself that we were going to lose five pounds this month. It's right there in front of me. I cant forget what my goals are. I cant get lost in the trance of, Im busy, just eat something quick and move on.

You almost become your own biggest cheerleader.

Thats exactly it. Thats it in a nutshell. You have to be your own cheerleader. I try to do that all the time. I tell myself, Kevin, you've got it going on! You are killing it out here. You just created this awesome recipe! I high-five myself.

Okay, that is both hilarious and awesome.

Sometimes you have to do that. We're not used to saying positive things about ourselves. We've been taught that negative self-talk is more motivating than positive self-talk.

How has cooking helped you?

I really think cooking is what saved me from depression. I've struggled with depression my entire life, but it wasn't until later on when it was triggered again. I was in Boston and Id gone through a couple of setbacks. It sent me into a deep, dark depressive spiral. But cooking allowed me to nurse myself back to health.

Was the busywork of it therapeutic? Just having something to do with your hands so you wouldnt obsess over your sadness?

Absolutely. I didnt really get that connection until later on. It wasnt just that I was making this nutritious food and doing something good for myself. It was having this tiny modicum of control. I have a philosophy: When life gets really bad, you need to narrow your focus. Find one thing you can do to improve yourself every day.

One thing feels like a miracle when youre in a dark place. For me, it didn't start off as cooking. It was enough just to get up every morning. That was my goal. I'm going to make my bed. And open up all the blinds. I'm going to intentionally do that every morning. Just the act of letting the light in, it changed my entire mood. Im sure it had a lot to do with the vitamin D.

But eventually you get more ambitious, right? You left your bedroom?

Oh sure. Let's say that you drink six sodas a day. So you make the conscious decision, okay, Im going to cut that number in half. Thats my one thing today. Once you do that one thing and you're very intentional about doing that one thing, and you accomplish it, you're like, Well that wasn't so bad. Maybe I can do something else. Slowly but surely, you start transforming your body with these small incremental acts. That's how I started with my meal prep. I wanted to save money because I couldn't afford to eat out all the time. But I also wanted to eat healthier.

When you dont know your way around a kitchen, trying to cook something healthy can seem impossibly complicated.

Why not just microwave a frozen pot pie and be done with it?

I was overwhelmed by this idea of trying to overhaul my diet, because Id tried it already and failed. So I said to myself, Alright kid, you're just going to cook your lunch and bring it to work every day. You're going to stop eating out with your coworkers. I did that every day for two or three weeks. And then something happened.

Not so long ago, <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/entertainment/a25308984/fit-men-cook-kevin-curry-behind-the-scenes/" id="33567522-3e0a-3213-aa54-3929a852f3e5"> Kevin Curry </a> was living with his parents in Dallas-he'd lost his tech job and his savings in the 2008 crash-and was struggling with chronic depression. His doctor prescribed him antidepressants, but the pills could only do so much. He was also overweight, despite going to the gym several times a week, because he too often ate...