Sex workers love talking about their married clients. Theyve got tales thatll make you cringe, involving some pretty out-there sexual requests. (It would seem that if more married women consented to put their fingers up their husbands buttholes, prostitution might cease to exist.) But many of their stories are shockingly, well.. sweet.
The way they talk about their relationships with their Johns-whove been repeat customers almost as long as theyve worn wedding bands-it almost sounds like a marriage. A happy marriage, no less. Brianna, a sex worker based n New York City, estimates that 90 percent of her clients are married or in long term monogamous relationships. And while they certainly visit her for the chance to be with a naked woman who isnt their wife, she also says that her job is 95 percent emotional labor and just 5 percent sex.
And the emotional labor is a two-way street. Some married guys try harder to please their prostitutes than they do the women they ostensibly promised to spend the rest of their lives with. We spoke to a dozen high-end escorts-the self-employed women who make more per hour than most cardiologists-and asked them to share their relationship secrets.
What do their married clients do right, and when do they screw up? How do men woo them, negotiate with them (emotionally and otherwise), and behave in ways that would probably translate nicely if they started using these same strategies with the women theyre cheating on, who arent offering their companionship in exchange for an envelope filled of cash left discretely on the nightstand?
Lesson 1: Ask For What You Want Like Its a Business Transaction With prostitutes, there are no games or emotional manipulation. If you want something specific, you have to ask for it. Whether your idea of a good time is gently spooning while she strokes your hair, or getting spanked while she calls you a dirty little man-bitch, you have to tell her up front.
Its so easy in this environment, says Amber from New York. Maybe its because of the transactional nature. Its better this way, I think. You cant go into a car dealership and say, Whatever youve got on the lot is fine.
Heather from Orlando, Florida says her best customers are the ones who dont beat around the bush (unless thats what theyre paying for.) I had a guy actually write me a three page letter, explaining every tiny detail about his fetish, she says.
The same goes for the escorts. Theres not a lot of mystery about what they will or wont do. Its all there on my website, says Heather. No scat or piss fetishes. No physical pain. You want any of that, dont waste your time.
Married couples expect each other to read their minds, says Cecilia Dahl, an escort who sees clients in Austin, Dallas, and Houston, Texas. Thats not how it works, at least not with us. Maybe because theres money on the line.
She cant grasp why married men arent more honest with their wives. Its weird, Dahl says. Youll make sure a Starbucks cashier knows exactly what you want. But you wont tell your wife you like oral, and youve made a vow to be with her forever.
The Experts Say:
They might be on to something, says Dr. Michael Bennett, MD, a Boston-based psychiatrist and co-author of F*ck Feelings: One Shrinks Practical Advice for Managing All Lifes Impossible Problems. Just dont take their advice too literally.
The sex worker or Starbucks employee knows that they can invite customers to ask for what they want, says Dr. Bennett. Not just because the transaction is impersonal, but because no matter how degrading or demanding the request, theyre going to get paid.
Youre not paying your wife for sex. (At least you shouldnt be. If money is changing hands, youre doing marriage wrong.) You cant walk into your bedroom tonight and make requests like youre picking options from a menu. But there is some value in talking about the things you want-sexually and otherwise-with a little more openness and bluntness.
Take the emotion out of it, says Dr. Bennett. Stay away from expressing your need for sex or your feelings that you deserve it. Instead, talk about whats lacking in the bedroom without making it personal. Tell her you want to know what gives her pleasure, and she should know what works for you, because its good for the relationship, say Dr. Bennett.
Lesson 2: Have Sex on a Weekday, During Your Lunch Break
Married men rarely visit prostitutes at night, and absolutely never on the weekend. Thats how sloppy Johns get caught. If you want to be surreptitious about paying for sex, you do it on a weekday, when youre supposed to be at the office and youve got the perfect alibi.
One of my regulars always tells his secretary hes going to the library, says Dakota, a longtime escort from Denver, Colorado. I think that makes it more exciting for him. Its an extra layer of doing something naughty. Youre on the company dime, and youre actually getting laid.
Remember when sex with your wife used to be like that? When there was no such thing as date night? Youd sneak away to see her, and it felt like you had a filthy secret from the world.
The best sex is when it feels like youre getting away with something, says Deb Libra, an escort in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Thats what married people need, that sense that youre doing something you shouldnt be. You should look at your partner and tell her, I miss it when we used to do it in the car.
The Experts Say:
Men dont visit prostitutes just because paying for sex is the only way theyll get laid. Well, okay, for some of them maybe. But many guys are looking for the adrenaline rush theyve lost in their marriage.
Whats exciting about being with a prostitute is the thrill seeking, the risk taking, the taboo quality of it, says Wendy Fader, Ph.D., a psychologist and sex therapist. All the things that you ostensibly give up when you say I do.
A date night comes with zero risk. The worst that could happen is maybe the babysitter cancels, or you forgot to make reservations at that one restaurant you both wanted to try. Theres never a feeling that before the night is over, youre both going to need a good lawyer.
How do you recreate that sleeping-with-a-prostitute excitement, but without the exchanging-currency-for-sexual-favors part? Its about finding ways to add an element of surprise and the unexpected, says Fader. You need a mental amphetamine. Its not that complicated, it just takes energy. People go brain dead in a marriage. You have to be willing to try things that make you uncomfortable.
Do your date nights usually happen on a weekend? Cancel it. Instead, have her meet you downtown during your lunch break for a quickie. Rent one of those by-the-hour hotels and see what happens. Or if you have to do a weekend, wait till your in-laws are on their way over, and then see if you can master the complicated positions necessary to have car sex in your unlocked garage before they arrive.
Are you seriously doing this? Hell yes you are. Youre a bad, bad man. Its time to remember what that feels like again.
Lesson 3: Fighting about Money Gets You Nowhere
Savannah from New York has never had a disagreement with one of her customers about money.
There are some guys who come in here and want to negotiate rates, she says. But I kind of always win. My price is not negotiable. You dont like it? Get the fuck out.
She thinks all financial disagreements between men and women should happen this way. Things cost what they cost. You pay for them or you dont pay for them. The things you dont pay for, you dont get.
Im not an asshole, she says. If youre a steady client and youre $20 short, I wont chase you down the street. But next time, you better make it right.
The Experts Say:
Getting into shouting matches with your wife about unpaid bills? You may be on the path to divorce, says Sonya Britt, Ph.D., a professor at Kansas State University.
She studied data from more than 4,500 couples, and found that arguments over money-more so than arguments about children, in-laws, and even the frequency in which they have sex- resulted in lower relationship satisfaction and a higher likelihood of divorce.
In fact, Britt found that all that yelling about finances could play into extramarital relationships.
Which is kind of ironic, if you think about it. Fighting with your wife about money could lead you into the arms of a prostitute, with whom you never fight about money. Your ex-wifes credit card bills were egregious, but hey, a blowjob costs what it costs, right?
It all comes down to treating your wife with the same respect youd have for a woman charging you extra to tickle your balls.
Lesson 4: Give Your Armpit an Extra Whiff
Think the only thing prostitutes care about is money? The money is great, but Ill give up the biggest payday is he smells like a dumpster, says Crystal from Los Angeles.
When escorts talk to each other-thats how they find out whether a new client should be trusted-they dont talk about whos a big spender or who has an enormous schlong. None of that matters, Crystal says. The best recommendation you can get is if she says, He shows up on time, and hes clean. Thats like music to an escorts ear. Oh my god, hes clean?
Deb Libra has horror stories about clients who didnt appreciate the amorous value of basic hygiene. I can still remember my second day of doing this, she says. My booker calls, says a guy has negotiated for two hours. Whats he offering? Okay, Ill take it. He walks in, and the smell, oh my god, it was indescribable. It was like a cross between old cabbage and a corpse. I almost quit the business then and there.
As a 20-year vet of the sex trade, she doesnt have a lot of expectations about the men she sleeps with for money. I can accept that not everyone is going to have a stellar body, she says. Just be clean. Please, for the love of god, be clean.
The Experts Say:
Its not that you dont bathe enough. Youre not a train hobo from the 1930s. You take showers and use grooming products. You probably dont smell like old cabbage and a corpse.
But that doesnt mean you dont have body odor, and that she might be noticing something that you dont.
Women are more sensitive to odors in general than men, says Dr. George Preti, Ph.D., an organic chemist who studies body odors at the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Women will notice an unpleasant odor before a guy will. She may even notice something that he cant smell at all.
Preti has conducted research that proves as much. In a study comparing the olfactory abilities of men and women, only two of 32 fragrances blocked women from noticing a foul body odor, while men were fooled by 19 fragrances. Just because you cant smell something doesnt mean its not there.
So whats the solution? Dont be overconfident in your odor profile. Ask her, Preti suggests. Id trust your wife before Id trust your own nose.
Lesson 5: The Grass Isnt Greener In Another Womans Pants
Every so often, one of Savannahs regular clients goes through a horrifying transformation. He gets that stupid look in his eyes, she says. He starts holding my hand too hard, or making too many jokes about how we should run away together. And Im like, oh no, this poor bastard is catching the feelings.
Yes, sometimes Johns fall in love. They promise to divorce their wives, empty their bank accounts, and devote themselves entirely to the woman theyve been paying for sex.
The problem isnt the impracticality of it, says Brandy from New York. (Divorce is messy enough without adding a prostitute lover into the nix.) Or that theyre confusing fiction like Pretty Woman with reality. The problem is that prostitutes are people. And people get more annoying the more youre exposed to them.
They dont have to live with me, says Brandy of her clients. They dont know what Im really like. Its very easy to be on your best behavior for an hour or two.
Melody, an escort in Indianapolis, Indiana, has dealt with a multitude of men suffering from grass is greener syndrome. Some of them tell me, I would leave my wife for you. But theyre getting the fun part. They dont have to deal with me day to day. They dont see me in my sweatpants, vegged out on the couch, or stressed out about bills. If I lived with them, I guarantee Id become their nagging wife.
The Experts Say:
Theres nothing wrong with escape fantasies, says Fader. Even the most happily married couples daydream about getting out.
Thats human nature, says Fader. But in a solid relationship, you might look at your co-worker and she seems really cool and hot and interesting. But then you keep your dick in your pants and you go home to your wife.
Enjoy your fantasies. Imagine how wonderful itd be to skip town with that mystery woman, create a new life and start over. But dont act on it. Its the same reason you can have revenge fantasies and then not poison your bosss coffee the next day. Because youre not a crazy person.
Lesson 6: Its Okay to Want Something Just For You
Amber prefers married clients because they seem generally happier. From her vantage, single guys are insecure and guilt-ridden, but the married ones seem to have fulfilling lives. I have one guy who talks about his kids all the time, how great his home life is, she says. He has this attitude like, I work hard, I provide for my family, so let me have this. Let me just have this one thing.
Its a reasonable request, until you remember, oh yeah, his one thing is putting his dick inside another woman.
I asked a married guy about it, Amber says. I asked him, Why are you doing this? You could lose everything. And he was like, Ive made a lot of sacrifices for my family. We picked up and moved to a city that I dont like. We got the house that she wanted, near the school thats perfect for our son. Ive done everything for them. I need something thats just for me.
The Experts Say:
Lets break this down: Having hobbies are cool. Having hobbies that dont involve your wife are cool. Having hobbies that maybe your wife doesnt know about or even approve of are cool. Just dont have hobbies that might result in you getting gonorrhea.
I call it enlightened selfishness, says Diana Wiley, Ph.D. a licensed marriage and sex therapist in Seattle, Washington. Its about taking care of yourself first. They even advise on airplanes to secure your own oxygen mask first before helping your child.
In essence, Ambers married client had the right idea. Its okay to want something thats just for you. Its okay to be selfish. Its even healthy to be selfish, to do something that solely satisfies your needs.
When we do this, typically we are better partners and parents, says Wiley. When we feel energized- without resentments-this often flows into the primary relationship.
Treat yourself to something special today-play hooky from work and go to a baseball game, or anything else that makes you happy-and dont tell her about it. It could be anything at all, as long as it doesnt-and we cant emphasize this point enough-involve your penis making contact with a person who isnt your wife.
Lesson 7: Some Fantasies You Should Probably Keep to Yourself
I dont see fetish guys, says Brandy. If it costs more than my therapist, Im not going to do it. There are some things you cant unsee.
You dont want to know more, but you kind of do, right?
Once a man wants you to dress him in a diaper and feed him milk from a baby bottle, you cannot look at him as a man anymore, Brandy says.
It gets so much worse. Brandy recalls another client whose favorite fantasy involved burning her at the stake for being a witch. Im on a rack, being tortured, she says. Im burning alive, and hes screwing me, mumbling something about the Judgment Day. It was awful. I wanted to die afterwards.
Its amazing what some escorts will smile and tolerate from their customers. But even they have their limits. Im not going to dress a 65 man in a womans dress, Brandy says. Im 52. Its disgusting! Its inappropriate. You know what I want to tell my clients sometimes? Stop trying to force a square peg in a round hole! Thats not even a metaphor or whatever. I mean literally, keep your weird shit away from my round hole!
The Experts Say:
Christian Joyal, Ph.D, a neuropsychologist at the University of Montreal in Quebec, Canada, is pretty forgiving when it comes to weird sex fetishes. In 2014, he led a study examining the sex fantasies of about 1,500 adults, and found that most of the desires considered atypical by mental health textbooks are actually pretty common and healthy.
In other words, that sex act youve been afraid to try because you think its so kinky really isnt all that kinky.
Unless, that is, it involves burning somebody at the stake. The first criterion to determine if a sexual interest is abnormal or pathological is if it involves non-consenting partners, Joyal explains. This includes sex with children, animals, anything involving rape, and oh yeah, burning witches.
Yes, re-enacting an interest to burn a witch should be considered pathological, he says.
Nobody is saying your marriage shouldnt be a safe and nonjudgmental place to explore your fantasies. But if what youre into would make even a career escort wince, then maybe you leave your wife out of it.
I think wed probably be horrified if we shared all of our fantasies, says Fader. Thank goodness we have filters. A little repression can be a good thing.
[This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, in the November 2016 issue of Mens Health.]