To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form .

Dear Sexplain It,

At the start of quarantine, I began subscribing to performers on OnlyFans . Theres this one performer that I love in particularlets call her Jessicaand she actually responds to my messages on the app. When I ask her how her day is, shes honest about it and doesnt reply with one or two sentences. She seems genuine. We dont talk every day, but she responds every time I talk to her. Over the course of three months, our conversations have gotten deep. We talk about our family, friends, and work. I feel like weve really connected.

She hasnt asked for any additional money or anything, and all Im spending is $9.99 a month. She lives in the same city as me, and I want to ask her out. Is that crazy? I wouldnt just ask out any random porn star, and I know this is her job, but I really think we may have a connection. I just dont know if Im being delusional.

Sincerely,

Can I Ask?

Dear Can I Ask,

I think I just fell in love with a porn star, Kanye West rapped a decade ago in Hell of a Life. What makes the lyric so powerful is that many men have had an interaction with a sex workerbe her a porn star, escort, or OnlyFans performerwhere we've fallen a little in love. And if the phrase fallen in love is too strong, weve at least felt some crush-like feelings.

My gut response is to say you should not ask out a performer on OnlyFans, even if they're being friendly with you. OnlyFans is used for selling photo and video content, but it's still smart business for performers to engage with subscribersit incentivizes viewers to continue their monthly payments. Engaging with fans through DMs is also a way to encourage tips. (Side note: I would recommend tipping your OnlyFans crush if you haven't been.)

A performer on OnlyFans might also be in a committed relationship, which often they don't advertise for fear of turning people away. (Personally, I dont follow any sexy thirst trappers on Instagram if their bio says happily committed with a marriage ring emoji. Fuck that. It don't want to think of you happily married to your husband every time you post a picture of your ass. It doesn't even matter that I will never speak or meet you. I just like knowing, in theory, that we could hook up. Is that dumb? Kinda, but thats how my brain works.)

Anyway, that's my gut reaction, but I don't have an OnlyFansmuch to the chagrin of my admirers. To double-check, I relayed your entire situation to multiple OnlyFan models to get their thoughts on whether or not you should ask Jessica out. Here's what they had to say:

Demi Sutra

I would personally advise against asking her out. If a woman wants to date you from her OnlyFans, she will take it off OnlyFans. (Meaning that shell ask you to message her on Instagram or for your number to text.) Leave that up to her entirely, one hundred percent. So, if you want to keep her happy and keep her feeling respected and comfortable, then I would continue the relationship you have on OnlyFans.

Gaping Latina

I want to start by saying that your experience with the OnlyFans model is indeed genuine. I form real, deep connections with my most loyal fans that are mutually fulfilling. The beauty of OnlyFans vs a regular porn site is that we can make these connections. But I would advise against asking her out because you have to recognize that you are a client procuring a particular service. That service is sex work and the majority of what we sex workers do is to provide genuine human connection. It doesn't diminish the relationship you have with your OnlyFans model, but it's important to respect the context.

Ana Foxxx

"The only place I would meet a fan is at a convention like Exxxotica or AVN . I entertain thousands of people on my social media platforms but only about 1,500 to 2,000 people on my OnlyFans. With all that, theres definitely a lot of requests for meeting up, but Ive personally never met up with someone. If I filled everyones request to meet me Id never be home. Even though Ive built a pretty nice bond with several of my fans on OnlyFans, I would feel uncomfortable meeting them outside a convention."

Torro

"I love Onlyfans for this exact reason, you can become close with your favorite performers and build a relationship. Just remember that even mentioning meeting someone on Onlyfans is against the guidelines and could have you or 'Jessica' removed!

"Even though she hasnt asked for more money, your subscription includes one-on-one chats with her. Try building on the relationship more, see if she responds on another platform, or try sending her a gift from her wishlist with a romantic note. OnlyFans creators are at work 100% of the time on the platform. This doesnt mean there isnt hope to one day meet your favorite creator. Just continue to get to know her and tell her how it would be a dream to see her IRL one day!"

Sydni Deveraux The Golden Glamazon

"You should ABSOLUTELY NOT ask out this performer. Absolutely not. She is a performer and a sex worker. If for some reason she wants to change the nature of this transactional relationship into a different one, let her do it, and do not pressure her to do this either.

"And under no circumstances should you ever insinuate or ask to meet a performer on OnlyFans because it violates the Terms of Service (TOS) and you jeopardize their account being taken down, which will affect their livelihoods.

"As a sex worker online, I have the opportunity to chat with all types of fans from all types of life. And yes, sometimes these conversations can be considered deep. Do I enjoy these conversations? Sure, but once a patron, client or fan wants to take me out, meet up with me or date me this instantly changes the transaction.

"As an aside, if you're in the business of telling women what you want to do to them and with them sexually, try paying them first, especially when they are a performer or sex worker. You are taking up our time and bandwidth. This is our job. For many of us, we love our jobs. But nevertheless, time is money."

The clear answer is no: You should not ask Jessica out. As Deveraux and Torro pointed out, youd be violating the terms of service and could get Jessica's account removed. You cant mess with thatthis is how she makes a living.

Now, I know you love Jessica. Which is why, even after reading the advice from the OnlyFan performers, there's a chance you're still telling yourself your situation is different. Or perhaps this thought has crossed your mind: Well, I can ask her out, and if she says no, then I'll just be respectful and move on.

Listen, my friend: no. That's not what would happen. Her saying "no"which will almost definitely be her replyforever changes the dynamic of your relationship. Even if you respond to her rejection respectfully, so much of her appeal lies in your fantasy of being with her. When that fantasy is no longer there, the relationship is different. You may even feel the urge to unsubscribe, and that would suck for her. Remember, this is her livelihood. It would suck for you, too: You'd be left wishing you can go back to fantasy land.

Now, Ive written this advice under the assumption that she will decline your offer. BUT WHAT IF SHE ACTUALLY WANTS TO GO OUT WITH ME?! you may be wondering in frustration.

Heres the thing: This isnt Jessicas first rodeo. She understands the relationship between herself and her fans. She knows that its inappropriate for you to ask her out. Thats why I believe that if she really wanted to meet up in the flesh, she would straight up ask you, Would you like to go out sometime? Or, as Sutra pointed out above, she would take your communication off OnlyFans.

But until the day comesif it ever comeskeep enjoying your talks with her (on OnlyFans), start tipping her if you havent been, and revel in the fantasy that is Jessica.