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Dear Sexplain It,
Ive pretty much identified as gay since college, and Ive only ever dated men. I didn't really date in high school, so I never had any sexual experiences with women. But over time Ive gained an increasing curiosity about what Ive been missing. I tend to be more romantically attracted to men, so I'm not looking to necessarily date and marry a woman, but I'm interested to find out if there's another part of me that I've been neglecting. I often prefer bisexual and straight porn to gay porn, so it does seem like something Im into, but theres also a part of me thats still wondering if Im just trying to fool myself.
I have never really been one to go to a bar and try to hook up, and straight bars are pretty intimidating to me, as I wouldn't call myself a super masculine guy. Even with guys, the other person usually has to initiate. I'm very hesitant to talk to my gay male friends about this, and I haven't dared mention it to any female friends either. Do you have any advice on how I might be able to venture out and explore this side of me?
Unconventional Bisexual
Dear Unconventional Bisexual,
As you read this, I don't want you to be consumed with how you sexually identify. Sometimes, labels can bring us security and pride. Other times, feeling compelled to pick a label can add unnecessary anxiety and actually limit our sexual behavior. I think your identity will become a lot clearer after you explore your attractions towards women.
Which brings me to my next point: I think you should go for it! You say there's a part of you that's still wondering if you're just trying to fool yourself, but it sounds like your attraction to men and women is legit. You seem to be pretty cool about the whole being gay thing, which means you're probably not struggling with internalized homophobia. (You also don't sound like you're experiencing OCD-related sexual orientation obsessions , but it's worth reading up on to be sure.) It seems like youve calmly noticed that your attractions dont fall as heavily on the gay end of the spectrum as they once didor as you previously thought.
Youre not alone, even though you might feel like it. To help give you advice, I reached out to Dr. Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli of Deakin University, researcher and author of Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men: Bi Men By Women . She's worked with many gay men who've met certain women and felt an unexpected sexual attraction to them.
Sexuality can be fluid, and love can come in different genders, Pallotta-Chiarolli explains. Also, let's not get into the double standard around male sexualities," she adds. "If we are encouraging straight men to be heteroflexible, bi-curious , or bisexual-behaving, and we accept and have a heterosexist fascination for bisexual women, then it makes sense that some gay men will be homoflexible.
But againdon't stress about labels. I just want you to know you're normal. Now, moving on to the next part of our mission: Finding you a woman to sleep with. (Only the age-old question men have been asking since the dawn of humankind.)
I don't think you should go to a bar and attempt to pick up a woman. As a bi guy, I can tell you it's stress-inducing. Even though I'm comfortable in my skin, I still feel awkward "hitting on a woman." For one, its so much harder than hitting on a guy. Gay men are far more direct (often too much so). Its eye-fuck, and BOOM. (Not alwaysI dont want to perpetuate a hyper-sexual gay man trope, but at a lot of gay bars, yes, guys are DTF, and I clean the fuck up.) Women are constantly hit on and leered at by men, so they often aren't as open to the sexual advances of a strangerand understandably so!
Second, I also worry about whether or not I should tell women I'm bi. If its a one-night stand, do they really need to know? But also, it's hard to plan ahead for a one-night stand. What if it ends up becoming more serious? Then they may feel lied to.
Luckily for you, we live in the age of dating apps. From personal experience, when you write that youre bisexual on your profile, far fewer women swipe right. (Biphobia is real and rampant in dating culture , especially among straight women who refuse to date bi men, but we'll save that spiel for another day.) However, theres a silver lining: Those who match with you are obviously okay with your (bi)sexuality. They are often bisexual or sexually fluid, too.
Another thing you have going for you is that there are women who love dating and sleeping with bi and gay men. Many women say they prefer bisexual men as lovers and partners as they enjoy a wider range of sex play, have challenged straight male culture, or been on the receiving end of bullying and harassment, making them more aware of women's experiences in society, Pallotta-Chiarolli says.
In my experience, women's infatuation with bi men often borders on a fetish. And while in general, fetishizing someone for their sexuality isnt ideal, in this casesince youre just looking to fuck and not dateyou could see it as a pro. Anyhow, I digress. The important thing is to know that there are many women out there who would love to explore sexually with you. These are the women youre hoping to find on the apps.
You can use any of the regular straight dating apps: Tinder, Bumble, and/or Hinge (FYI: In my experience, there are more queer and open-minded women on Bumble.) But I'd actually use Feeld , which is more open to folks of all sexual orientations. And if you're down to have a threesome with a bi guy and a girlwhich, now as I say it out-loud, may be an awesome ideathen definitely use Feeld. The bi couples on that app that would eat you up. But even if you're looking for a one-one-one situation, you could find a single woman on Feeld, too.
I'd go ahead and write in your Feeld (and/or Bumble) profile: Hi, Im [NAME]. Ive always identified as gay and have never been with a woman, but recently have found myself really attracted to women, and I want to explore those attractions. You don't need to do anything special with your pictures. Just have a regular photo, where you're smiling and whatnot. (If you need tips on how to take a good dating app profile photo, head here .)
I know this forwardness may feel profoundly unsexy. And Im letting you know that you might not get any matches for a few days, but eventually, you will. Some women may have a lot of questions, which is fair, especially if theyre contemplating being your sexual guinea pig, but at the same time, dont feel compelled to answer extremely invasive or hostile questions. You also dont necessarily have to jump right into bed with them. I know youre not looking for a romantic relationship, but getting drinks first isnt a bad idea. You want to make sure that both you and her to feel comfortable before you go at it.
Oh, and last but not least, you mention you havent discussed your attractions to your gay or female friends. I understand your reservation. Even though my gay male friends know Im bi, they sometimes still get awkward when I bring up that I slept with or started dating a woman. Its like theyre okay with my bisexuality as long as I dont ever bring up my attraction to women. Ive also had gay men be antagonistic when I say Im bi, saying its gross or that I must be confused. Fuck that shit.
Still, do you not have at least one close gay friend that you can talk to about your attractions? Perhaps he works in LGBTQ activism, is a mental health professional, or does something that indicates he'd be more understanding of your sexual attractions? That's the friend you want to talk to! While you dont need to tell anyone anything, it would be nice to have someone to talk to as you explore your sexuality.
As for your female friends, the fear is that they may act differently around you if you admit your attraction to women, yeah? Its like youre no longer one of the girls, and since you, in theory, could be attracted to them, that safe space you created is gone? Valid fears, but from the sounds of it, youve identified as gay for a while. Youve never been inappropriate or hit on them, so I dont think this needs to be a huge deal. They may feel a little uncomfortable, but if youre not creeping on them, I dont think theyll be too weird. It might just require a slight adjustment period. Who knows? They may even suggest that you have sex with them, which, eh, pros and cons. Id probably stick with a strangeryou dont want things to get messy with a friend.
With that, hop on Feeld and start chatting with some women, so when the quarantine is over, you can have sex. Lord knows we're all going to need to get some once this pandemic is through.