As someone who's had their fair share of both good and bad sex (long overdue apologies to my college self), I now know that "great sex" can mean different things and that there's no one-size-f*cks-all definition.
"Sex involves our most intimate, personal thoughts and feelings," says Marianne Brandon, PhD. And those change over time, through experience, and from partner to partner. "Good sex isnt a cognitive experience; its an emotional and sensation-based experience precipitated by some type of intimate connection," Brandon adds. "It offers us an encounter with our deepest selves via powerful physical and emotional feelings, such as aliveness, vitality, connection, and pleasure."
That's why, no matter how long you've been knocking boots with your beau, no sexual experiencegood or badis ever exactly the same.
Truth is, good sex boils down to what is good for you and your partner(s) atm. That said (and as you'll soon see), there are some general tenets of good sex: honest communication , mutual respect, and funacross ages, sexual orientations, and relationship statuses.
But dont just take my wordtake it from the 25 real women who know good sex when they feel it.
...In general, sex in my long-term relationships has always been far better than my short-term hookups, dating sex, etc. And so far, marriage sex is the best it's ever been.
There is something so out-of-this-world good about having such a deep connection and love for someone else that your bodies sort of act as one during sex. And when you have that level of comfort in your relationship, you can also be open and honest about experimenting with new positions, toys, and techniques, which only adds to the pleasure. Having a partner who is giving and in tune with you is a must for great sex." Hillary R.
"To me, good sex means being on the same page as the other person. I've always been attracted to older men and just have better sex with them. I've been lucky enough to meet men who know what they are doing, don't rush, and actually appreciate a womans body. I can't resist gentle kisses mixed with a bit of roughness and sensuality. Eye contact, light touches, and taking charge are all also good sex essentials for me." Rochelle W.
"I know I've had good sex when I don't have the energy to move afterward. Which means, ya know, that I've orgasmed better than I would be able to by myself. There should be some foreplay and some time spent teasing and exploring each other's bodies, instead of just going for the home run right off the bat. I also want my partner to walk awaymetaphorically, because we're doing it a second timesatisfied with the experience. And in addition to the physical stuff, there has to be some sort of emotional connection there. If I don't trust the person or feel like they see me as an individual and not just a means to an end, I'm not going to be able to get there." Emily B.
"When I first started having sex, all I cared about was making it good for my partnerat the expense of my own pleasure . I didn't want to seem greedy, so I'd say stuff like, 'Don't worry about me!' (Let's all shudder together, shall we?) Now, I know that good sex means asking for what I really want and speaking up if something ain't working. Also, toys." Jordan T.
...The best sex I ever had was in my college roommate's bedoopsbecause a friend was in my bed and we were too horny to wait for her to leave. It lasted so long, but neither of us were complaining. My roommate ended up walking inagain, oopsbut the sex felt so good, we couldn't stop. It was unexpected and risky...the best kind." Sara S., 33
" Good sex is healthy for your body, passionate for your heart, and stimulating for your mind. The 'healthy for your body' part means with a partner with whom you feel comfortable communicating, who respects your boundaries and considers your wishesboth in terms of what you want to do and how you want to use protection when doing it." Dr. Kate White
"Because I'm taking antidepressants, it can be harder for me to orgasm while having sex with my partner. I've learned to reframe my idea of good sex, shifting my focus from 'needing' to come to simply being in the moment and enjoying the physical sensations as they happen. Thankfully, I'm in relationship with a partner who's patient and willing to experiment, which keeps sex fun instead of frustrating." Sara L.
"As someone who has been married for seven-plus years, I think truly good sex is when it happens naturally and neither of you have to ask for or force it. That may sound obvious, but it doesnt happen as much once youre married." Chelsey B.
...My husband and I established a method that we call the 'traffic light rule'when one of us is in the mood and we can't tell if the other is, we ask what color they are. Red means, 'Absolutely not right now. Very sorry, but no.' Green means, 'You read my mindlet's go!' Yellow means, 'I'm not really in the mood but willing to have you try and change my mind.' Some of the best sex we've ever had is when one of us is 'yellow.' Why? There's so much attention given to foreplay and oral in those cases, and there's something really hot about watching your partner try to impress you while enjoying everything he's trying." Liz B.
"I wish I could say that the size and endurance of a male partner doesn't matter, but the truth is it definitely helps. Skilled foreplay also makes a difference. And communicating with your partner about what each of you likes is also key. But above all, what makes sex good for me is the intensity, focus, and enthusiasm with which you and your partner do everything. Being 100-percent devoted to the moment and feeling the same in return from your partner is a tremendous feeling." Elissa S.
"Good sex is the sex you spend the next dayor hell, twothinking about. Theres a kind of magic that happens when you feel safe enough with the other person to ask for exactly what you wantand know theyre going to do their absolute best to give it to you. Even if I dont orgasm that particular time, I still consider the experience 'good sex' if my partner and I were able to explore something new and learn more about each other, all the while having fun. And if I can barely breathe by the end of it, well, thats just an extra perk." Lindsay G.
"For me, the best sex is about flexibilityand no, not literally . Though, I mean, I wouldnt turn that down. Its about being with someone who can go from intense to giggly to loving to any other emotion they may be feeling. I hate anyone taking themselves too seriously or feeling like theyre 'performing' for someone. The ultimate goal of sex is pleasure, so lets just chill out and have a good time." Mackenzie H.
...Good sex, for me, can come in many different forms. But a few constants: when someone has confidence in the bedroom, when there's open and easy communication, and when they're down to try something new ." Brittany M., 29
"Good sex starts way before the physical act. For me, it begins by sharing the same flirting style, teasing one another, and having deep, thought-provoking conversations. Its about feeling safe with the person youre with, and like you share a connection to each othereven in a room full of other people. Thats the start of good foreplay . As for the physical aspect, good sex requires open-mindedness, confidence, and a passion for giving. Its also essential that youve explored your own body first, so you really know what you want and feel comfortable asking for that. The best partners are turned on by turning you on, make you feel irresistible, and arent at all squeamish. They can also multitaska womans body has so much to work withbetween our hair, tongue, nipples, clit, vagina, and ass . Some combination of three of those should be getting attention from a mouth, hand, toy, or dick at all times. Ultimately, good sex engages all the senses, feeling playful but intense. You can smile at each other and completely lose your inhibitions. It makes you forget about everything else but each other in that moment." Kristin C.
"To me, truly good sex is going on a journey with your partnerone that involves an eagerness to communicate, explore, get vulnerable, experiment, and even laugh at times. Its about caring enough for the person youre with that you want them to feel absolutely incredible, and vice-versa. At times, its equal parts selfish and selfless. You've gotta find that balance between doing what your partner loves and being confident enough to ask for what you want . Ultimately, good sex is about connecting with another human being and sharing a unique experience that only the two of you can create." Kristine T.
...Some men I've encountered are really threatened by that. But some men and women are like, F*ck yeah, if that's what you need to get off, that's what I want to do for you. An open mind and a willingness to listen to my likes, dislikes, and boundaries is just plain hot." Anna Akana, actress
...To me, good sex is all about being present in the moment. There's nothing quite like feeling like you're 100% there with your partner and they're 100% there with you. But if I can toss in a few other adjectives, I'd have to go with curiosity and playfulness. Curiosity about exploring new things and being open to what that experience could be like. And playfulness because I think most of us have the tendency to take sex way. Too. Seriously. Sometimes! I love when I can just let loose and be my goofball self in the bedroom." Vanessa Marin
"As an abusive relationship and sexual assault survivor, my journey to understanding what 'good sex' is for me has required a lot of experimenting and soul-searching. After that abusive relationship, I went through a hyper-sexual phase to prove to myself that I could still have sex. Then, when I realized I wasn't enjoying it, I went through a very long period of celibacy where I experimented with masturbationsomething I'd never been comfortable with before because of society's stigma against women's pleasure.
What I've realized is that safety and communication are paramount for me. With my current partner, we spent months talking before we actually even had sex. I had never done this beforeI was very much like, 'Let's do it ASAP'but talking about my likes and dislikes for a while and trusting my partner means that I'm having the best sex I've ever had right now. Even if you don't wanna wait that long, I feel like waiting a few dates and then talking about what you like in bed before having sex can be really hot." Carolina H.
"Good sex always surprises me and catches me off-guard. I can't pinpoint what exactly makes it so good; it just is. But if I had to try to explain it, I'd say that good sex is more about the emotional connection first, then the physical comes almost automatically. If I feel connected, loved, and comfortable, we can both fully enjoy ourselves." Jenny N.
...Good sex is all about the connection. What happens downtown is important, of course, but for me, the difference between okay sex and good sex is a lot of kissing, touching, and eye contact. If he makes the effort to focus on my facial expressions, tooit just magnifies the whole experience. What makes good sex into great sex? When my partner is just as interested in my orgasm as his own and isn't afraid to experiment or take charge. Telling me how good everything feels or complimenting my body goes a long way, too, since it gets me out of my head." Marissa G., 29
"There has to be more than just physical attraction for me in order to have good sex, since its more than just a physical experience. Its an exchange of energy, so unless we also connect on other levels, I wont have an enjoyable experience and would much rather masturbate alone. Good sex shouldnt just be about the physical pleasure we receive, even with the best sex 'skills' in the world. If were not compatible in other ways, the sex will never feel good. Really good sex happens when Im attracted to the other person on many levels, and when theres mutual trust, respect, and passion. Its not just about how I feel during sex, but also how Im going to feel afterwards, too." Elysia D.