Marissa Gainsburg

BDE is a quiet confidence and ease with oneself that comes from knowing you have an enormous penis and you know what to do with it," writer Allison P. David explained in the article. Its not cockiness, its not a power tripits the opposite: a healthy, satisfied, low-key way you feel yourself.

Women, obviously, cant have BDEat least not in the literal sense. The reality is, theres no true equivalent, either, like Tight P*ssy Power or Big Boob Energy. In this society of double standards (eff the patriarchy!), those labels are objectifying and strip the very thing theyre hoping to exude (dominance).

Which is why when I discovered an entirely new source of quiet confidence and ease, I knew I had to share it. This type has nothing to do with penises but everything to do with another piece of typically male-owned property. World, meet BTE: Big Truck Energy.

Big Truck Energy (BTE): The confidence and sense of empowerment that comes from driving a huge pickupor channeling the equivalent.

Before you @ me for being a gas-guzzling, confused city girl (which, FWIW, I kinda am), let me explain.

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of going on a short getaway to Greenport, a cute seaport on the North Fork of Long Island, New York. The itinerary included fishing, a winery visit, and stargazing on the beachthree activities that bring me that perfect blend of peace and joy. But the real power of the trip ended up having nothing to do with the events. It was the transformative feeling that came over me while driving the giant, decked-out 2020 pickup truck that I borrowed from GMC for the weekend.

I parallel parked this betch on the first try. Confidence? SURGED.

It took all but 10 minutesabout the time it took to pull out of the midtown garage and onto a moving Manhattan streetto transition from nervous AF to 100-percent *that bitch*. Between hopping into the truck like I would mount a horse (mine was lifted an extra two sexy inches), towering over lanes of taxis, Camrys, and Accords (a.k.a. every Uber in NYC), eyeing the spacious, carbon truck bed in my rearview mirror, and getting all kinds of surprised looks and comments from sidewalk bystanders ("Didn't expect to see you hop out of that!"), I felt like a different person. A better person. A cooler, more confident, less cautious version of myself.

It couldnt have come at a better time. A near year-long <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a27478820/situationship/" id="9f8a1c14-22df-3685-a19a-8c00e8710fc3"> situationship </a> that I thought was finally going somewhere had just, to use an auto-related euphemism, crashed and burned, and I was crushed. All the usual self-doubting questions swirled around in my head on repeat: What did I do wrong? Is there someone else? And the worst of all: Why wasnt I enough?

But as I drove the two-ish hours from the city to Greenport, something started shifting in my brain. I was sad, sureafter all, Id fallen for a guy for the first time after an eight-year, <a href="https://womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19950378/rules-for-getting-back-together/" id="d8a3546b-6d5b-318f-accd-afe94b9da3a6"> on-again/off-again relationship </a> , and Id finally let myself get excited about it. But I wasnt stressed or anxious, like I had been for days. Somehow, driving that truck gave me a sense of control and self-assuredness, two things I definitely didnt have even hours earlier. As the weekend went on and the reality of the situation hit me harder, I was surprised how quickly hopping back into the truck helped me, quite literally, dry my tears.

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw (on a concept that is admittedly so un-Carrie Bradshaw), I couldnt help but wonder: Is it possible that just driving a truck can work such magic on your soul? Could BTE bereal?

In short: yes. Theres a concept in fashion psychology (yeah, thats a thing) called enclothed cognition, which describes the phenomenon that happens when a person wears clothes that are designed for a certain purpose. <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022103112000200" id="aa034f6e-2356-31fb-a818-eb9a4a443cb2"> Research shows </a> that a doctor becomes more attentive when they wear a lab coat, much like wearing high-quality workout gear can subconsciously motivate you to go harder at the gym.

I know driving a vehicle isnt the same as wearing an outfitbut in my opinion, its even more enablingif it werent, cars wouldnt be the status symbol that they are today. And lets be honest: Trucks are bad-freaking-ass. You can trailor with them, tailgate with them (especially this one, it had a built-in outdoor speaker), haul anything and everything with them, sleep in them, and have some really fun <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19903570/car-sex-positions/" id="3b8531ab-f067-3cd7-a734-2880d21826a2"> car sex </a> in them. (I didnt get that far, but every country song leads to me to believe that...)

Theres also the fact that driving a big truck gives off its own body language on the road. Think about it: Experts say that standing or leaning over someone is an assertion of power, which helps explain why there are stages for keynote speakers and podiums for professors, and could explain why shorter people often feel intimidated by taller peers. By extension, a lifted truck should then be a guaranteed <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en" id="db1c5dd9-a5cd-3dff-a184-be9922c3c665"> power pose </a> for the person maneuvering it. I know no one tried to cut me off when I flew down the Long Island Expressway in my Sierra, and that was certainly a first.

Now, I know Im just taking a bunch of theories and throwing them together to draw conclusions, because thats what women do. But for the sake of real news, I also asked licensed psychologist <a href="http://sethgillihan.com/" id="c5ea8904-c809-3f38-a0c1-9c9d74c9324b"> Seth Gillihan, </a> PhD, for his expert opinion, to see if I was crazy. Turns out, I'm totally not (at least not about this).

"Trucks are large and wide, and settling into them involves a more spread-out position that encourages you to feel unapologetic for the space you take up," Gillihan says. "But they're also seen as strong, tough, no nonsense, and in charge. As such, you feel powerful in the driver's seat."

Obviously had to selfie in this baby (excuse the Snapchat blurriness).

What's more, he adds, "while some might be concerned that the feelings of power are false in some wayput on from the outside rather than grounded in ones beingour vehicles can also remind us of our inner strength and toughness. That can stay with us even after weve gone back to our Prius or minivan." (Or in my case, the subway.)

That explains my BTE in a nutshell. It wasn't just the sense of being literally elevated, it was the realization that if I got into an accidentif I swerved a little in the wrong direction, slammed on the brakes, or crashed and burned all over again, Id be just fine. Physically, yes, but emotionally, too, because I am strong and fierce and grounded and everything that a big shiny truck is at its core. As a writer, Im a sucker for a good metaphor, and this one stuck with me.

Of course, renting (or ya know, buying) a huge, souped-up truck might not be all that practical for you. No worries! The key is to find your own version of BTE, and channel it as often as you want or need.

\"The best thing about BTE is that you dont have to have a certain body part to tap into ityou just need to find the \'truck\' that\'ll help you reveal your inner badass.\"

Maybe its rocking a pair of studded combat boots that are nothing like any shoes youve worn before. Maybe its getting the secret <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19912072/nipple-piercings/" id="5be30ad4-b679-36d8-a7d6-b1d117f4a9e4"> nipple piercing </a> youve thought about for years. Maybe its something as extensive as learning a hard-core hobby, like clay shooting or SCUBA diving, or as simple as swiping on a sultry <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/beauty/a19997844/dark-lipstick-trend/" id="3ffbcf4a-2355-3273-a997-9dabafbdeac8"> dark lipstick </a> before work. It really doesnt matter. The best thing about BTE is that you dont have to have a certain body part to tap into ityou just need to find the truck thatll help you reveal your inner badass.

Taking the truck out for a day hike with my besties. We all felt the BTE.

As for me, I didnt lose all my BTE once I reluctantly handed the keys back. Instead of wondering, Why wasn't I enough? now I think, Maybe I was too much.

If that's the case, cool. I'll save my energy for someone who's interested in being my ride or die, not just a temporary passenger.

BTE Is The New BDE—And You Already Have It

Unless youve been living under a pop-culture-deprived rock (if so, where and can I join you?), you know all about BDE. A quick refresher, anyway, in case you forgot: Big Dick Energy and its beloved acronym first showed up on the OG creator of shorthand, Twitter, circa June 2018, then took off when New York Magazines <a href="https://www.thecut.com/2018/06/pete-davidson-ariana-grande-big-dick-energy.html" id="de1235e8-3207-354c-acd6-b263399ff18a"> The Cut </a> used the term to describe Pete D...

BTE—Big Truck Energy—Is The Confidence Boost You Didn't Know You Needed

Most of us operate in crisis mode for our relationship, only giving it sincere attention when theres a problem that needs fixing, says Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, a clinical psychologist practicing near Philadelphia. But a relationship is like a garden: Even when its doing well, weeds can grow and overtake it.

\"A relationship is like a garden: Even when its doing well, weeds can grow and overtake it.\"

Which is why the uptick in happy couples counselingseeing an expert long before the thought of Splitsville ever comes updeserves applause. The proactive approach, which, btw, is a prereq for marriage within the Catholic faith, will help you smooth over even the tiniest (or grandest) of issuesand simply amplify the love you feel for each other on a daily basis.

So without further ado, here are the top 10 pieces of relationship advice, brought to you by the sagest, realest relationship therapists out there...

Whether or not you're an optimist, chances are, you find something personal in your S.O.s actions when they disappoint you. Its natural because, well, relationships are personal. But 9 out of 10 times (if not all 10), your person has no intention of upsetting you.

Especially when were already in an irritated state, we have a hair trigger for taking things the wrong way and assuming the worst, says Gillihan. (And yet when our partner feels personally offended or attacked by something you do, youre probably annoyed that they dont just let you off the hook.)

But keep in mind that so many of our reactions are based on how we feel about ourselves, versus how someone else feels about us, as Gillihan explains. So try this: In the morning, tell yourself, Today, Im going to choose the most benign interpretation for whatever comes my way.

This mentality gives you the freedom to get over yourselfand can set an example for your <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a28659664/exclusive-dating/" id="9a346ba5-1062-3720-a17d-2342eef2b358"> significant other </a> to do the same, he says. The result? You both can focus on all the goodand bounce back fast from any moments of accidental bad.

Speaking of interpretations, one thing that can mess them up is a psychology term known as projection.

Projection is, in short, when you transfer your own feelings about yourself or a situation onto someone else. While it's typically a subconscious habit, projecting leads you to assume that your partner feels a certain way when, in reality, they don't.

For example, if you've been cheated on in the past and have <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a26307613/what-is-gaslighting/" id="fc8bac6a-2479-345c-a13c-385c87ad4525"> trust issues </a> because of it (I mean, fair), you might interpret your partner's "You're acting weird" comment as an accusation that you're being disloyal. When in truth, they're just wondering why you've been less talkative for the past two days.

Whenever you can, try to pause and see a conversation or situation for what it really is, notice your own <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a27437438/relationship-insecurity/" id="cb225c8e-ffce-3163-a5e3-78ccf71d6837"> insecurities </a> and assumptions (ask yourself: Do I know X to be true?), and do your best to let go of the idea that you know what your S.O. is feeling, says Gillihan. You'll never truly know unless you ask them.

Derek Hough and girlfriend Hayley Erbert have the whole happy-healthy-relationship thing down pat. Peep them in action:

<h1> 3. Stop should-ing on each other. </h1>

Should is perhaps the worst word in the English language, at least where relationships are concerned. It creates a sense of injusticethat something ought to be different from how it is, says Gillihan. But most of the time, what follows the verb is a personal wish or preference, not an actual truth.

If you believe at all in fate, it helps to just trust that whatever your partner did or didnt do happened because thats how the <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/horoscopes/" id="5d33cc01-be87-3379-a743-aaae56d34e45"> universe was aligned </a> (for some reason beyond anyone's knowledge). If you dont, thats totally finebut reframing your mindset can help you escape any sense of bitterness or indignation. So express what you want as a desire: I wish you could come home earlier so we could spend more time together, or I d love it if you helped more with the dog.

Anyone can debate a should, notes Gillihan, but who can argue with a wish? Even if they cant make it happen, they wont feel as if theyre doing something wrong right off the bat.

You think you listen to your other half, but...do you?

Listening is a verb, not just a passive "you're talking and I'm not" process. It requires silencing your own thoughts and feelings so you can truly tune in to someone else's.

"Everyone wants to feel heard, but a lot of couples dont feel heard as time goes on, and that creates a lot of problems," says Rachel Sussman, LCSW, a relationship psychotherapist in NYC. "Of course, it's important to express yourself, but you first have to step back and listen."

Sussman's suggestion? After your partner tells you how they feel, repeat back to them what you understand them to be saying. Then say, "Do you feel like I heard you now? Do you feel understood?" If they say no, ask them to please help you get a better grasp on what they're saying.

And remember this: Even if you don't agree with your partner, you want to validate their feelings. You are a totally different person with different experiences and perceptions, so you won't always see eye-to-eyebut if you want your relationship to grow, you should always, always let them know that they aren't wrong for feeling the way they do.

<h1> 5. Look for opportunities for sincere thank you's. </h1>

Research shows gratitude is the secret to a happy lifeand it's a necessary ingredient for a happy 'ship, too.

Think about it: Relationships take work, and like at the office, not being acknowledged for putting in time and effort can make you feel unappreciated and even resentful.

So take notice of moments when your partner does something even remotely selfless and kind for you, and thank them for it. Acknowledge things that they wouldn't expect you to point out, like picking up your favorite bottle of wine on their way home or making quinoa instead of their preferred rice because you're cutting back on refined carbs.

"Saying thank you can go a very long way, and it's a reciprocal effect," says Gillihan. Meaning: Make an effort to show more gratitude toward bae and they will likely do the same toward you, amping the loving feeling.

<h1> 6. Partner up when life gets crazy. </h1>

When were overwhelmed, we often bring so little to our relationship, says Sussman. Read: You flake on seeing the new Marvel movie with your partner on Sunday so you can get some work done, or you hardly even kiss them before bed because you're so exhausted.

The right equation is to be your best and most loving self at home, so the strength of your bond gives you strength to handle everything else. Preach!

Always ask yourself if youre putting as much into your relationship as you are into your career, exercise goals, friendships...\"

When you know work is about to heat up, tell your S.O., Im about to go through a really busy time, and Im nervous I wont be able to put the energy into our relationship that we both expect. What else can I do to help us this month? The solution may be to cut back on social engagements or to schedule breakfasts together instead of dinners you know youll end up missing.

Always ask yourself if youre putting as much into your relationship as you are into your career, <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a26522162/health-goals-to-reach-before-30/" id="209f84dc-76d1-35cd-a336-3fc0e8dc2b4e"> exercise goals </a> , friendships, Sussman adds. Then make shifts as necessary.

<h1> 7. Create a shared goals calendar. </h1>

You have goals, your partner has goalsbut what about ones you can pursue as a couple? Its important to envision achieving or doing something as a unit to keep your bond superstrong, says WH advisor "Dr. Chloe" Carmichael, PhD, a clinical psychologist in NYC.

Create a calendar for financial, travel, or hobby goals, she says. (Like: Visit Japan, learn salsa.) This helps you see yourselves together in the future, encourages discussion around lifestyle choices, and reminds you to support one another with accountability and by working off each others momentum.

Plus, planning a future beyond the big stuff (ahem, babies and shiny new houses) can be just plain funand lift you out of the boring day-to-day.

I'm not talking about sex here, though that is incredibly important in a relationship, too. I mean the kind of intimacy that comes from <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a23008082/foreplay-tips-and-ideas/" id="d2af632d-b0e7-3097-a184-45993d323dd4"> physical touch </a> , genuine eye contact, mutual smiling, etc.all the tiny moments that make your heart swell.

"These are the things that remind your partner that you're in this together, that you choose them and are happy you did," Sussman says.

Touch your S.O. when they're making coffee (a quick hug around the waist does the trick...just be careful not to make them spill), look at them in the eyes when they tell you about their day, take showers together, sleep naked, snuggle...you know, the PG stuff that makes the day-to-day that much more special.

"If you notice thats declining, it could be the time to take a moment and talk to yourself about whyis it on your end, theirs, or both?" Sussman notes. If increasing your own initiation of this type of intimacy doesn't lead to them doing the same, you may want to consider seeing a couples therapist, who can help you both figure out underlying issues.

Repeat after me: No matter how well your person knows you, they will never know exactly what's going on inside your head at all times. So don't expect them to...ever. You'll save yourself a lot of drama by voicing your thoughts once you've had a chance to process and collect them, Dr. Chloe notes. (And I co-sign.)

That said, you probably harbor a lot of thoughts that you may never voice for one reason or anotherand your partner could be doing the same. Perhaps they don't feel like you'd receive them well, or that their voicing concern wouldn't lead to beneficial change, anyway, so they suck it up and move on.

While that's not a huge deal on an occasional basis for minor things (like, them being annoyed that you can never decide what you want for dinner), holding things in regularly won't end well.

So do your part to get your S.O. to open up by checking in from time to time. In a casual, nonconfrontational way (perhaps when you're in the car), ask them, "How are you feeling about us these days? Is there anything I could be doing more or less of to support you?"

Oftentimes, just your taking a minute to ask is enough to make them feel the love.

The security of a long-term relationship (and marriage, obviously) is freaking fabulous. But a common price for that is how used to your partner you become. There comes a point when were looking at a projection or memory of the person, not who they are in 3-D at that moment, says Gillihan. That leads you to make assumptions about what they need based on their pastnot their present.

And, of course, people (yourself included) evolve as time goes on, and when you're with someone for the long haul, its on you to recognize how. So whenever you canon your next date night, while theyre making the coffee, after they get back from a runtake a second to stop and really see your partner with fresh eyes.

Think of three kind or impressive things they did recently, and feel the feels for them. Then instead of I love you, try saying, I see you. Their reaction could be pretty stunning.

The BEST Relationship Advice You'll Ever Hear

You visit your gyno for your annual exam, eat healthy to avoid disease, and exercise to keep your body strong, but what do you do to nurture your relationship on a regular basis? Just a guess: not a whole lot. That's a huge shame, because good relationship adviceparticularly when it comes from pros schooled in the field of psychologycan take any solid-gold love to diamond-level strong.

10 Best Pieces Of Relationship Advice, Straight From Couples Counselors

2) MINUTE 2 DEADBUG This builds the deep core muscles for stability. Lie faceup, arms toward ceiling, legs up and bent 90 degrees. Engage abs and keep lower back on floor as you extend right arm overhead and lower left leg to floor. Hold, then alternate. Ben Ritter

3) MINUTE 3 FULL ROLL-UP Now its time for functional (IRL) movement. Lie faceup, knees bent, feet on floor. Extend arms forward and draw navel in to lift torso one vertebra at a time. Slowly lower until shoulder blades touch floor; repeat. Ben Ritter

4) MINUTE 4 TABLETOP HEEL TAP Blast those lower abs: Lie faceup, legs lifted and bent 90 degrees, tailbone tucked. Slowly lower heels to graze floor; pause, making sure lower back stays on floor, then slowly bring knees back over hips. Repeat. Ben Ritter

5) MINUTE 5 HIP TIP CRUNCH Create top-to-bottom tension: Lie faceup, legs toward ceiling, hands behind head. Lift hips off floor as you crunch from torso (not neck). Lower hips but dont release; repeat. Ben Ritter

6) MINUTE 6 BICYCLE CRUNCH Ready to get your obliques in on the action? Lie faceup, hands behind head, legs up and bent 90 degrees. Engage abs as you extend right leg and twist torso left; alternate. Ben Ritter

7) MINUTE 7 QUADRUPED PLANK TAP Top off with a position change to take some pressure off your spine. Start on all fours, back neutral, then lift knees off floor. Slowly touch right hand to left knee; alternate. --- A version of this content originally appeared in the September 2019 issue of Women's Health. Ben Ritter

When You Have Only One Minute To Work Out, Make This Move Your Go-To

Women are anatomically programmed for back-to-back orgasms, thanks to that little (but grand) thing called a <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a26962405/what-is-a-clit/" id="cf8ccf67-65f5-3e89-a335-bc65b3317319"> clitoris </a> .

"The clitoris is the only organ designed entirely for pleasure, so we are set up to experience as much of it as we want," says <a href="http://drhollyrichmond.com/" id="a026e8d8-d21f-37ff-a0d0-7c0d9b69561d"> Holly Richmond </a> , PhD, a psychologist and certified sex therapist with offices in California, New Jersey, and Oregon.

\"Its like the evolutionary biologist was, like, \'Well, we have to give women something or they\'re never going to want to have sex.\'\"

"Unlike for men, when we have <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19970497/types-of-orgasm/" id="fd8804a4-a82b-32d4-a8e1-68f89c101e46"> orgasms </a> , it has nothing to do with procreation, so there's no physiological delay before we can 'release again,'" she explains. (That delay is called the refractory period, and it happens so that men can build up more sperm-packed semen, evolutionarily speaking.) "Its like the evolutionary biologist was, like, 'Well, we have to give women something or they're never going to want to have sex."

Of course, the clitoris isn't the only lady part that, when stimulated, leads to climaxbut it is the most common source of one. (Your clit has three to four times the amount of nerve endings as the head of a penis, btw, so it's ber-sensitive.)

The other big player in the female finish? Your brain. So much of your O potential revolves around your ability to be in the moment, and let's face it: Your head can make that pretty impossible at times.

And while having several toe-curling releases in a single rompwhether they're 30 seconds apart or 30 minutes apartis no doubt fun and exciting, there are legit health benefits, too. You get a double (or triple) dose of the bonding hormone oxytocin, which not only boosts your mood and curbs stress, but also increases affection for yourself and your partner, Richmond adds.

If you have a clitoris and you have a brain, you are indeed capable of the elusive (not to mention, incredible) multiple-orgasm sex session. Here's how to make it happen tonight:

In order to prime yourself for multiple orgasms, you first have to get yourself, quite literally, in the mood for sex.

"Desire happens in our mindsit's when we want to want," says Richmond. It's the "Ooh, I see you" moment that occurs when you spot a good-looking guy or woman in the Starbucks line or catch a raunchy scene in a Sex and the City rerun. Arousal, on the other hand, is the physiological sensation that follows: the vaginal tingling and/or wetness that prepares your body for sex (even if you're not about to have it).

Before you can get arousedwhich is crucial for not only your initial O, but every single one that comes after it (pun intended)you have to feel desire.

So figure out what turns you ona bubble bath? a dirty martini? hardcore porn?and spend as much time as you need on that until you're ready to jump some bones.

Now that you're excited (yay!), the next step is to suss out what makes you roar.

"Self-exploration is the baseline for female sexual pleasure," says Richmond. There's no way to tell or show your partner what you want without first knowing what you want, so masturbation is key.

Massage your clit, finger yourself, bring in a <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/g28613773/best-rabbit-vibrators/" id="1bdae840-3954-32f5-a7dd-2bae556a01fa"> vibrator </a> , watch various types of porn, play around with moisture (do you like a little spit or a lot of lube?)...just experiment until you've found what gets you off alone.

"There's way less pressure to orgasm when you're by yourself versus with a partner," Richmond notes, "so you're much more likely to figure out exactly what makes you come when you're on your own."

Once you've brought your partner into it, do yourself a favor and delay the main event.

"Foreplay is an incredible opportunity to really create and stay in that space for yourself where you <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a27788802/how-to-be-sexy-tips/" id="0e29ed93-d3e4-301b-a000-c647cb61619f"> feel sexy </a> and turned on," Richmond explains. "By spending extra time touching, kissing, and teasing, you have a chance to get out of your head and focus on all the different sensations that are happening."

Did you know it takes most women at least 20 minutes to reach their first orgasm? Not only does your body need time to prime itself for sex (read: self-lubricate), your mind also needs time to truly tune in the action. (It's that whole brain thing, remember?)

"Orgasming is all about a balance of mental and physical stimulation," says Richmond. (Though some women can rely solely on their mind to climax, they're a rare breedand can only do so because of some memory or fantasy of what the experience would feel like.)

Once you are there, it's much easier to want to keep going after your first orgasm so that you can be well on your way to a second.

About that "your body priming itself for sex" bit? I'm talking lubrication. Without it (or enough of it), sex can be uncomfortable or downright painful.

If you need some extra moisture, no shame! You might want to add in a <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/g19060819/best-natural-lubes/" id="7ce566f8-6199-3fae-a89b-e7002475081f"> water- or silicone-based lubricant </a> especially if you're going for your second or third orgasm.

You see, post-orgasm, your previously wet vagina becomes a little drier (okay, sometimes a lot drier), since it no longer has a rush of blood flooding your genitals. When that happens, you're probably not going to love the feeling of a penis, finger, or toy being shoved inside or rubbed around your clitoris, so you're much less likely climax again.

Worried all the sexing will stretch out your vag? Here's the real truth:

There's a growing concept in the world of sex research (bless scientists, tbh) called "mindful sex," and it's all about what it sounds like: getting your mind in on the action.

"It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to climax when you're not noticing how good things are feeling in your body," explains Richmond. In order to do that, though, you have to be in the present moment...which anyone who is anyone knows is rather challenging.

Don't worry, thoughRichmond has several tricks to bring yourself back to the present to get that much closer to getting off:

<ul><li> Deepen your breath and focus on the sound and feeling of each inhale and exhale. </li><li> Look at where your partner is touching you, then close your eyes and zone in on what you're feeling in that spot. </li><li> When a distracting thought pops up, acknowledge it, then return to thinking, "X feels good on Y." </li></ul>

<h1> 6. Know what will work for you...again. </h1>

"In my practice, I've notice there's about a 50/50 split between women who need to change positions in order to achieve a second orgasm and those who are like, 'Don't change a thing,'" says Richmond.

It may be that whatever your partner is doing to youfingering and licking, slow thrusting and hitting <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19927155/how-to-find-your-own-g-spot/" id="4f3ae550-e834-309f-a875-068d3e07105f"> your G-spot </a> , grinding as they <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a22514579/how-to-use-anal-beads/" id="d5a9744c-1595-3aab-a32f-245c1278e9d0"> insert anal beads </a> is working perfectly for you, and that's exactly how you'll orgasm for a second time.

On the flip side, you might need a new setup or type of stimulation to get there again, and that's okay, too. Experiment to figure it out...you can always go back to what you were doing before, or skip to ahead to an entirely new thing. You do you, when they're doing you.

<h1> 7. Stop thinking about your orgasm, or the next one. </h1>

This may sound a bit counterintuitive, but the more you think about having multiple orgasms, the less likely you are to have them.

Why? Because "the more performance-based we are, the less we are in our bodies and focused on the experience," Richmond explains.

When you start overthinking the whole thing, you're no longer relaxed about it...and that kind of tension is exactly what prevents you from release.

\"When you treat orgasms as a bonus of sex and not the goal, you\'re suddenly much more able to have them.\"

"It's funny," says Richmond, "when you treat orgasms as a bonus of sex and not the goal, you're suddenly much more able to have them."

And there you have it folks: Prepare your mind and body for max pleasure...then let nature (your nerve-packed clitoris) take over from there.

Reaching orgasm can be hard enough to happen once during sex, let alone twiceor gaspthree times? The idea of having multiple orgasms might sound like a total mytha straight-up bedroom unicorn, if you willbut it is, in fact, totally real...and possible. Yes, even for you.

You Can Totally Have Multiple Orgasms—And It's Easier Than You Think

The words flashed through my head over and over like a GIF as I walked alongside thousands of exhausted runners to exit Central Park. Id just crossed the finish line of the TCS New York City Marathon-my first 26.2-and my cheeks, wrinkled up to my eyes, ached almost as much as my legs. When a photographer snapped a picture, I broke out in happy tears until a weird but powerful calm came over me. I cant. Believe. I did that.

Its a sentiment Id chased several times over the past year, the first on a rock-climbing trip in Joshua Tree National Park, then during an intensive hike up two 14ers (mountain slang for Colorados multiple peaks exceeding 14,000 feet). Id spent months training for each of the three events, dedicating weekdays and Saturdays to workouts and Sundays to recovery-or <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/a19895264/self-care/" id="4c7f11ca-27a3-3afe-ad78-d8a7771f1034"> self-care </a> , as we call it: I foam-rolled, pretzeled my limbs in candlelit yoga, read novels in bed, splurged on $11 smoothies, slathered my skin and hair in masksyou know, the works. Yet even on my most Zen days, nothing came close to the perfect peace I felt after pushing my body to a point it had never been.

Rock climbing in Joshua Tree National Park (with The North Face)

At first, the fitness editor in me chalked up the bliss to endorphins. But as I melted into the massage table at Connecticuts serene <a href="https://aubergeresorts.com/mayflower/" id="e3547e00-5b1d-3c9b-a0b0-62452883f62a"> Mayflower Inn &amp; Spa </a> one day post-marathon, oh-so-sore but-for the first time since the Colorado hike six weeks prior-completely stress-free, I suspected there was a much deeper force at play.

I was right. Self-care isnt just about treating yourself-its about improving yourself, which is what truly makes us feel good about who we are, says mind-body expert <a href="http://www.josephcardillo.com/" id="d3142708-dca0-3b3b-ab14-9b6d67106158"> Joseph Cardillo </a> , author of Body Intelligence. Tackling a serious physical challenge, especially one that involves consistent training, is one of the best steps you can take to increase your pride. (P.S. Serious doesnt have to mean mountains and marathons; it might be a 10-K or a yogi headstand.)

Self-care isnt just about treating yourself-its about improving yourself...\"

Why the big impact? Partly because you can literally see yourself improve. I remember the euphoric satisfaction I felt when I finally hit 18 miles, my scary mileage (much like a scary age), then surpassed it three times during my marathon training. But its also because the greater the challenge, the greater the reward. Trekking the first 14er was incredible-a cardio feat I wasnt sure my sea levelaccustomed body could manage. But summiting the second one left me feeling unstoppable, capable of anything.

Hiking Grays Peak in Colorado (with Merrell)

When you tolerate a situation that scares you, and do so long enough that youre able to change the self-doubting, self-judging, who do I think I am? script we all know too well, thats self-care at its finest, says <a href="https://www.explorewhatsnext.com/about-us/" id="954dc5d9-b6d5-3989-ae61-b6179ad411d4"> Elvira G. Aletta </a> , PhD, a clinical psychologist in Buffalo, New York. You develop a profound type of trust, the kind that comes from overcoming fear, listening to your body, and becoming your own cheerleader. And it compounds with each mini event leading up to the main one. Its an expanding cycle of growth: Trust builds confidence, confidence builds self-worth, self-worth builds self-love, and self-love builds, well, a stronger, more compassionate, better you.

Psst... Theres catharsis in movement, Cardillo says, but your challenge doesnt have to be physical. Anything beneficial that improves you-going back to school, conquering a fear of heights-counts as meaningful self-care.

Plus, if youre working through an emotionally taxing life experience-in my case, a bad breakup-the pursuit and achievement of sweaty, dirty, happy goals can be especially nurturing. The mind-body connection is a two-way street, Cardillo says-as in, just as your head can dictate your athletic limits, seeing how far you can physically go will help you realize your incredible inner strength. Hes spot-on about the parallel. No amount of essential oils helped me get over my ex, but as I pushed myself forward with each step, I couldnt help but feel as if I were leaving him and our toxic past behind. If thats not self-care, I dont know what is.

self-care (n): Its not just about feels-good-in-the-moment pampering. Its actively pursuing growth, which gives you a long-lasting lift and helps you recognize how amazing you are.

While Im not sure what my next proverbial finish line will be, I am certain of this: I will believe I did that. Because Ive finally learned what it means to not just care for myself, but to care about myself. And theres no room for cant in that picture.

Why Challenging Yourself Is The Ultimate Self-Care

I cant believe I did that.

What You're Missing If You Think Self-Care Is Just Candles And Bubble Baths

Sugaring is a hair-removal technique that relies on a paste traditionally made from lemon, sugar, and water, though some spas add honey and essential oils as well. "Patients are increasingly attracted to clean beauty and <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/beauty/a22020271/natural-skin-care-products/" id="f4a39ebd-2d0b-3a46-ab56-5d9691fe3c6b"> clean skincare </a> routines, so it's a great option for those seeking more natural products," says <a href="https://drwhitneybowe.com/" id="020510e7-6535-38a3-ab01-ff0004ce7b08"> Whitney Bowe, M.D. </a> , a dermatologist in New York City. Typical wax formulas have resins and often preservatives, which, though not labeled unsafe, can irritate those with sensitive skin (and not be great for the environment).

\"Patients are increasingly attracted to clean beauty and skincare, so it\'s a great option...\"

But what makes sugaring stand out even more is the fact that it's significantly gentler on skin. "Regular wax needs to be very hot to stick to hair, then dries into a solid when it cools," says Bowe. You have the risk of a thermal burn-a pretty common side effect, especially with less-than-stellar aestheticians.

While thermal burns are usually just a temporary problem (red and hot, like a sunburn), the heat can penetrate into the deeper layers of the skin, which could leave you with scarring or discoloration.

Sugar wax, on the other hand, is more like a dough. All the mixture needs is a little warmth to make it pliable, but no heat, since its stickiness isn't temperature-dependent. That means no risk of a thermal burn. Plus, "typical wax attaches very aggressively to the top layers of skin, so when it pulls out hair, it can pull out living layers of skin too," says Bowe. Sugaring supposedly adheres only to the dead layer of skin cells and the hair shaft, reducing the ouch factor even more. Your waxer may have to go over the same area a few times, but because it's so much gentler, it shouldn't hurt or cause irritation.

Debating shaving your bikini line instead? Watch this:

When skin is involved, there's always reason to be cautious. "You could still contract an infection by bacterial contamination," says Bowe, "so always make sure your aesthetician prepares a new paste for you."

Also keep in mind that lemon juice, one of the paste's main ingredients, is extremely acidic, and if used in an improper ratio, it could potentially cause a chemical burn. That's rather unlikely, but still, the acid can be damaging to the skin barrier, so consider skipping it for your Brazilian. Added essential oils can also be irritating to some, so "ask the salon for a sample so you can test a patch at home," Bowe suggests.

And don't forget: You're still ripping out hair, so make sure you have at least rice-length growth, don't exfoliate beforehand (no retinols!), and wear loose-fitting clothing after your wax so your skin can breathe.

Go for it! Find a salon via a quick Google or Yelp search-reviews are your best friend when it comes to the beauty trend. Prepare to actually be excited about waxing.

What Is Sugaring? All About The Better-For-You Wax

As the weather warms up, so too does the demand for smooth, hair-free skin. But before you book your next waxing appointment, consider this: There's a natural, less painful (!), healthier alternative that's popping up all over-sugaring.

Sugaring Is The New Waxing Alternative That You Need In Your Life

Kylie Jenner's freckles are having a moment.

For the second time this week, Kylie flashed a feature she usually covers up with heavy makeup: her skin. And my gosh, is it pretty fabulous-just as one would expect from the world's youngest billionaire.

"Morning," she captioned, and in less than an hour, her iconic face cashed in 1.8 million likes (and counting).

Even with her hair wrapped up in a towel, Kylie oozes major glam (how?!). And while it's hard to tell if she's totally makeup-free-with her flushed cheeks, eyelash extensions, and perfectly groomed brows, one could argue that she's merely toned down-compared to her usual lewk, the girl's about as natural as she ever gets.

<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BvmbQEkHzrN/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="1400fdec-7d68-3591-ae62-5aef26fdecbd"> View this post on Instagram </a> <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BvmbQEkHzrN/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="d37a56c8-8abc-3286-ae8f-3804d73d551e"> morning </a> A post shared by <a href="https://www.instagram.com/kyliejenner/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="6c2beeb6-ab1a-3276-a93d-ed2af968a4ea"> Kylie </a> (@kyliejenner) on Mar 29, 2019 at 10:21am PDT

And, yes, this is actually the second time Kylie's posted a no-makeup selfie this week. Which feels like kind of a statement?

<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BvdKqtBn3N-/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="b10b1817-734d-34b4-a5f7-b3cf68e6debf"> View this post on Instagram </a> <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BvdKqtBn3N-/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="991aa83b-2f87-3bd2-a581-b059d6123931"> skin </a> A post shared by <a href="https://www.instagram.com/kyliejenner/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="6c2beeb6-ab1a-3276-a93d-ed2af968a4ea"> Kylie </a> (@kyliejenner) on Mar 25, 2019 at 8:02pm PDT

As the founder of her own makeup line, Kylie Cosmetics (maker of the ever-popular Lip Kits), it's quite rare to see Kylie's face sporting such minimal makeup. But her fans are loving it, posting comments like: "You have the clearest skin. You look perfect even without makeup. Wow" and "Freckle queen :)," from her friend and model Olivia Pierson.

In the past, Kylie has done entire YouTube segments about her favorite skincare products, including oil from <a href="https://www.kiehls.com/skincare/facial-serums-and-oils/daily-reviving-concentrate/KHL497.html" id="1b201b3d-2d33-37f8-a61d-d736b1a03338"> Kiehl's </a> and cleanser from her dermatologist Christie Kidd's line.

But I, for one, would love to see the celeb come out with her own skincare collection, because, well, just look at that those freckles.

I honestly don't know how Kylie maintains such clear, smooth skin, tbh. With all the stress she's been under lately (ahem, <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitness/a23011691/jordyn-woods-kylie-jenner-best-friend/" id="23314da4-e2e5-3d71-a9cf-07a62268bb35"> Jordyn Woods </a> ... <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/g26678873/kylie-jenner-travis-scott-body-language-relationship/" id="8aeabe46-7512-38a6-a051-2f33ff7ee6e6"> Travis Scott cheating rumors </a> ), I feel like I've been having sympathy breakouts for her.

Kylie Jenner's Freckles Make A Rare Appearance In Her Latest No-Makeup Selfie

For fitness queen Halle Berry, the workout proof is in the pudding-or lack thereof.

The 52-year-old actress just posted a close-up on Instagram of her seriously toned abs draped in some sort of furry jacket, with the caption "Springtime Confusion. #FauxFur."

While the weather might be a bit all over the place (get with it, March!), there's no confusion over the fact that Halle looks smoking, sweltering-August level hot. Those abs-surely a byproduct of all her boxing workouts and <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitness/a25457886/halle-berry-abs-moves/" id="4e5ed8a0-acf4-3308-a55f-a5b54181bc0a"> crazy hanging/jumping/crawling moves </a> -are just as flat and fit as her Flintstones days...25 (yes, TWENTY-FIVE!!) years ago.

<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BviPNhCjE4z/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="7183702e-d477-3e5d-aa54-1a072bc9c7d4"> View this post on Instagram </a> <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BviPNhCjE4z/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="29fa2aae-71c6-390f-adb9-9c4d9b4a786d"> Springtime Confusion. #FauxFur </a> A post shared by <a href="https://www.instagram.com/halleberry/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="f958558c-e6a9-3441-adf2-51251a881ea7"> Halle Berry </a> (@halleberry) on Mar 27, 2019 at 7:18pm PDT

Knowing that "abs are made in the kitchen," of course, Halle also eats an extremely clean diet. She's a well-known fan of the ever-popular <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/weight-loss/a19434332/what-is-the-keto-diet/" id="8008f788-2050-3669-aa9f-3144a77780dc"> keto diet </a> , and she's <a href="https://www.instagram.com/halleberry/tv/BuMn08cAFWC/" id="ebdad860-8965-3156-a54c-22d66fbb16b6"> previously talked </a> about planning meals to complement her exercise routine, minimizing soda intake, and cleansing her body with wheatgrass.

And while I can't stop staring at Halle's cut torso, it's worth noting that that muscle tone isn't just for looks. Halle recently posted about the importance of protecting her body from injury, and <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3806175/" id="0c18a9d3-c2ec-3c8a-a71a-a607e367f86b"> research shows </a> a strong core is one the best ways to bulletproof your bod. She likes <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitness/a26839980/halle-berry-favorite-low-impact-workout-instagram/" id="477459f3-7660-3683-a4f0-92f3532d440a"> low-impact, functional exercises </a> that strengthen posture and support the knee joint. Smart, talented, and beautiful, this one.

Whatever else she's doing is clearly working, because homegirl looks like a lingerie model a third of her age.

Alright, Halle. I'll take the abs, the glowy tan, and-sure, why not?-the faux fur coat too. Actually...just sign me up for the whole package, while we're at it.

Halle Berry Posted An Insane Picture Of Her Abs

Halle Berry's Abs Look Beyond Insane In Her Latest Instagram Selfie

Ashley Graham has no problem keeping it real on Instagram. The model and body-positivity advocate just shared a behind-the-scenes video of herself on Instagram just before undergoing a colonic (a.k.a. a colon cleanse), which she apparently does pretty regularly.

"I always show you guys a little picture of my knees and the drain-what's that thing called? a tank-but I figured I'd have my colonic therapist explain why I get them, and why you should be getting them," she says into the camera.

"Any kind of digestive distress," her therapist Lena responds. "Constipation, obviously, any kind of bloating, diarrhea...any kind of digestive issues."

As Ashley "mmhmms", Lena continues: "Another thing is inflammation. Whenever you have inflammation in the body, it can show up as breakouts or you can feel real puffy."

"Getting into there can help your face?" Ashley asks. "Exactly," Lena answers. "It's very anti-inflammatory-people see skin's glowing and less puffiness in one day, allover the body too if that was the issue."

<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BoLsPjRnNC1/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="976f4a46-cc64-3fdf-aac5-242453d8ebf4"> View this post on Instagram </a> <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BoLsPjRnNC1/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="600efe2e-5b35-36ce-aa8c-1b4b2ee67247"> When you know you're supported it's easy to feel sexy! Shop my #AshleyGrahamLingerie x @additionelle </a> A post shared by <a href="https://www.instagram.com/ashleygraham/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="ada1760b-4d7b-364c-a62f-47da278f62cd"> A S H L E Y G R A H A M </a> (@ashleygraham) on Sep 26, 2018 at 1:30am PDT

There's a third reason that seems to take Ashley by even more surprise: "Whenever you feel sick, the congestion and headaches go right away," Lena says. Ashley seems quite excited about that one, calling them "the sniffles" (how adorable).

But while Ashley's candidness is so appreciated, it's important to note that medical doctors (versus alternative medicine therapists), aren't so convinced of any of these benefits, as there's no research proving any of them.

In short, while the process-which involves emptying the colon of stool by way of a laxative or hydrotherapy (as in, a tube gently flushes water into the rectum)-likely isn't dangerous, it's also completely unnecessary, according to Rudolph Bedford, M.D., gastroenterologist at Providence Saint Johns Health Center in Santa Monica.

Bottom (sorry, had to) line: You know your body best, as Ashley knows and loves hers. If you're feeling bloated, constipated, or straight-up "sniffly" beyond your normal, consider seeing a doc for a full-body inspection rather than a iffy quick fix.

Ashley Graham Gets Regular Colon Cleanses

Ashley Graham Just Shared The Surprising Reasons She Gets Colon Cleanses Regularly

In a new interview with Christian magazine <a href="https://www.guideposts.org/inspiration/inspiring-stories/stories-of-hope/this-is-us-star-chrissy-metz-on-resilience" id="e18a5bd6-fab6-3c50-a4f3-f620c92f1de8"> Guideposts </a> , the actress who plays the beloved Kate Pearson, opened up about her mom's stroke, which happened shortly before Chrissy's appearance at the 2017 Emmy Awards.

"Id been nominated for best supporting actress in a drama series and convinced Mom that she had to come out to Hollywood to be my date for the red carpet. But one August morning back in Gainesville, Florida, where Id grown up, shed just come home from getting her hair done-prepping for the awards-and fell outside her car. An ambulance rushed her to the hospital. Shed had a massive stroke, two major clots in her carotid artery," she said.

Chrissy took the first flight she could get out of L.A. to be with her mom and the rest of her family at the hospital. "I could be there for only 36 hours-I had to get back to shoot another episode of This Is Us-but I was joined by my brother and three sisters, all of us gathering around Mom, talking to her, praying."

<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn4AU7qgxAn/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="863a2f8d-b9eb-3422-a9d0-fba552325d2d"> View this post on Instagram </a> <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn4AU7qgxAn/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="9c74de9e-274a-3ce3-a92f-2b429506923c"> Sisssserrrr!!! So amazing to share this #emmy week with you! I just love you </a> A post shared by <a href="https://www.instagram.com/chrissymetz/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_medium=loading" id="ab3330bf-df2b-3675-a0cd-c622e5216dba"> Chrissy Metz </a> (@chrissymetz) on Sep 18, 2018 at 10:00am PDT

The sight must have been similar to the inspiring huddle that This Is Us fans see week after week between Chrissy and her onscreen siblings. "A friend of Moms dropped by and took in the scene," Chrissy recalled in her interview. "'I cannot tell you, she said, 'how much the energy and light of Jesus is in your moms room. There is so much love here.'"

This isn't the first time Chrissy's talked about her Christian faith. She told the <a href="https://www1.cbn.com/cbnnews/entertainment/2019/january/i-don-rsquo-t-care-this-is-us-star-chrissy-metz-unafraid-to-be-an-uncool-christian-in-hollywood" id="92213835-422b-39e8-a934-68350ef609c1"> Christian Broadcast Network </a> that, "I know that the only person that shows up for me time and time again, is God, and is that higher power thats greater than myself. So I have to honor that. Not because I have to, because I want to, even though people might think its the uncool thing to do. For me, theres no question about it.

Check out more of Chrissy Metz's emotional journey:

Chrissy's mom didn't get well enough to walk down the Emmy's red carpet, but she did make a strong recovery: "After three weeks, she was in rehab, walking so fast that the aides had to tell her, 'Slow down!'" And now she's living back at home, "spending time with her children and grandchildren, entertaining us all and imparting her motherly wisdom," Chrissy said. (Sounds a lot like Rebecca Pearson, no?)

Marissa Gainsburg

Articles written by the author

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