Anna Medaris Miller

<p>A situationship is essentially a relationship that hasn't been defined. So anything that precedes the DTR (define the relationship) conversation but follows the initial first few dates.</p>

<p>Considering all these labels are (ironically) used to define otherwise label-free relationships, whats the deal?</p>

<p>"Online dating apps have created this paradox of choice," says Christie Tcharkhoutian, PhD, LMFT, a senior matchmaker with  <a href="https://www.threedayrule.com/" id="4b885dd0-1232-3344-a407-039eee9df8ee">  Three Day Rule </a>  in Los Angeles. "We have so many options, its hard to commit to that person in front of us because when they go to the bathroom, we can just swipe." (Guilty as charged.)</p>

<p>Sometimes, having undefined relationships is totally cool. It can be fun, sexually satisfying, liberating even. Plus, a situationship "gives you time to get to know somebody without feeling pressured to make a decision," Tcharkhoutian says.</p>

<p>The problem is, more often than not, at least one partner "catches feelings." And in a heterosexual relationship, its usually the woman, finds <a href="https://abbymedcalf.com/" id="e3ff620e-40c8-3b2a-acc1-f0990104a4dd">  Abby Medcalf, PhD </a> , a relationship expert, author, and speaker in Berkeley, California.</p>

<p>There's an actual physiological reaction that happens when you're intimate with someone. More specifically, the bonding hormone oxytocin gets released when you have sex, <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a23652662/cuddling-positions/" id="11fb5785-5191-3726-af07-895df7879705">  cuddle </a> , or even just hug, says Medcalf, and you can't override it. Dang biology.</p>

<p>Once emotions build, being in a situationship totally blows. "You start to feel rejected because the person doesnt want you fully," Medcalf says. </p>

<p>So heres how to tell if youre actually on that roadand how to pull over before you crash and burn.</p>

<h1> Signs You're Definitely In A Situationship </h1>

<h1>  1.   You only make short-term or last-minute plans.  </h1>

<p>People in relationships make plans weeks, months, sometimes years in advance. (I know...mind-blow.) People in situationships operate a more hourly and daily timeline. </p>

<p>"Youre in a situationship when youre not getting invited to meet family, and its not a given that youre going to see each other on the weekend or a holiday," Medcalf says. If all you're getting is last-minute invites, take the hint: Dating you isn't their first priority.</p>

<p>One major appeal of a legit relationship is that you can count on seeing and talking to your person regularly. Situationships lack that. </p>

<p>"Theyre not asking you to hang out three times a week," Tcharkhoutian says. Or, even if they are one week, dont expect that to happen the next one. </p>

<p>Another day, another annoying dating trend you can't avoid: </p>

<h1>  3.   They always have the same (vague) excuse.  </h1>

<p>"Works really busy." "I need to hit the gym." "Im traveling." Sound familiar? </p>

<p>In a situationship, these are excuses. In a relationship, they lead to a plan B: "Lets celebrate when my presentation is over Thursday." "Want to go for a run?" "Ill call you from the road." </p>

<p>When youre in a relationship, you make time for your partner, no matter what other life events are going on, Tcharkhoutian says. But in a situationship, she adds, theres no urge to problem-solve. (Since that would require, ya know, effort.)</p>

<h1>  4.   You mostly small (and dirty) talk.  </h1>

<p>Sure, you know where the person lives and works, and maybe a few general deets like where they grew up or if they're a cat or dog person. But lets be real: Youre more comfortable talking dirty than talking about your fears, <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a27437438/relationship-insecurity/" id="cb225c8e-ffce-3163-a5e3-78ccf71d6837">  insecurities </a> , or lessons from past relationships.</p>

<p>"Without trust, theres no vulnerability, and without vulnerability, theres no emotional closeness," Medcalf says. And zilch emotional closeness is what situationships are all about.</p>

<h1>  5.   You dont talk about the future.  </h1>

<p>Likewise, conversations in situationships pretty much only involve the present ("What do you want to watch?" "Pizza or Thai?"). The logic here's pretty simple: If you're not in it for the long haul, why talk about it? </p>

<p> If you haven't had a discussion about the future and what youre looking for, that could be a sign you're in a situationship, Medcalf says. </p>

<p>A situationship is basically "just shared activities-hanging out here and there," Medcalf notes. "It feels directionless."</p>

<h1>  6.   They tell you that they dont want to get serious.  </h1>

<p>The easiest way to know youre in a situationship: The person tells you that you're in one-especially if that other person is a dude. </p>

<p>"Believe what they say," Medcalf explains. "Men are not complicated creatures." (And, hey, at least they told you.)</p>

<h1>  7.   They show you that they dont want to get serious.  </h1>

<p>When in doubt: Open. Your. Eyes. "People will show you through their actions what they think of you," Medcalf says. "If theyre not calling, theyre just not that into you." Some things never change. </p>

<h1>  8.   Youre frequently anxious.  </h1>

<p>Just because situationships are expectation-free (Want to cancel plans? Nbd. Dont feel like bringing soup when theyre sick? No need!) doesnt mean theyre stress-free. </p>

<p>\"You know you\'re in a situationship when you feel anxious because there\'s uncertainty...\"</p>

<p>"You know youre in a situationship when you feel anxious because theres uncertainty, ambiguity, and ambivalence," Medcalf says. </p>

<p><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/guides/well/how-to-have-a-better-relationship" id="2862c510-8a17-3ab3-ab61-bd9c9db2f294">  Research shows </a> that doing new and different things stimulate the brains reward system, flooding it with feel-good chemicals (dopamine and norepinephrine). That neurological reward system just happens to be the same part of the brain that lights up in the early stages of romantic love.</p>

<p>Any relationship expert will tell you that <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19997139/long-term-couples-favorite-sex-positions/" id="ddd0128e-168f-3326-a15d-9205b0d8d819">  keeping a relationship alive </a> means continuously having novel experiences with your partner. But in a situationship, you probably do the same thing over and over-Netflix and chill-and yes, even that can get old.</p>

<p>"If its vague, doesnt have direction, and doesnt have any structure, its going to be stale, and its not going to be fun anymore," Tcharkhoutian confirms.</p>

<h1>  Okay, so you're definitely in a situationship. What now?  </h1>

<p>If youre cool with what you have and want to keep it that way, first ask yourself: Am I really? </p>

<p>"In some ways, we might be okay with a casual situation, but we might also be thinking, 'If this is what they need, thats fine; I can accommodate that,'" Tcharkhoutian says. </p>

<p>Make sure youre not pushing your own needs and wants aside just because you want to satisfy someone else's. (Or because you think their feelings might change...they may never.)</p>

<p>If youre truly down with the sitch, set some boundaries. Are you going to talk about who else you're both sleeping with? Are you going to do weekday overnights? Are you going to hang just the two of you or with each other's friends? "Be clear youre both on the exact same page with the same expectations," advises Medcalf. </p>

<p>And if you actually want more, speak up. Say: "Ive enjoyed spending time with you," suggests Tcharkhoutian. Then tell them what you like or appreciate about them, and finally ask for their thoughts on where things might go. </p>

<p>If they come up with an excuse for the casual scenario without an end date-"Work is crazy" instead of "After my real estate exam, I should be able to commit more"-dont expect things to change.</p>

<p>Either way, "go in with a really clear boundary of what you will and wont accept," Medcalf says. "You call the shots." </p>

<p>Yep, you heard me: You are in control of this 'ship.</p>

Non-committal relationships are so common, it seems like a new Urban Dictionary term for a casual something-or-other is coined every single day. First, there was "booty call." Next: "friends with benefits." And now: "situationship."

9 Signs You're In A 'Situationship'—And How To Get TF Out Of It

<p>But texts during the following weeks never turned into plans, and the guy eventually stopped texting Testa altogether. As someone who went on one to three dates a week back then, it wasnt her first or last experience with a "slow fader" (a.k.a. a romantic prospect who slowly drops out of contact), though she wishes it was. </p>

<p>"The slow burn is even less attractive than ghosting because it gives the illusion of hope," says Testa, whos been with her current boyfriend for about a year and a half.</p>

<p>However infuriating, enduring a slow fade is a reality for many singles these days, says  , RCC, a therapist in New York City who specializes in relationships and other issues facing her millennial clientele. Shes even been slow-faded by a guy she was dating for months. "Its a way of both avoiding the discomfort of having a difficult conversation and mitigating guilt of ghosting," she says.</p>

<p>And while a slow fade can reveal youre dealing with a jerk-or at least calls into question their self-awareness, morality, integrity, and compassion, in Bruneaus opinion-it may mean nothing more than youre dating in the digital age, when the next catch is one swipe away. "You get distracted, and the person you should be open and honest with just fades from your memory," Testa finds. </p>

<p>So yeah, getting slow-faded sucks. Here's how to tell if it's happening to you-and what to do about it:</p>

<h1>  1.   They   take more and more time to respond to texts.  </h1>

<p>Did they used to respond within seconds and now its hours? Next week, it may be days. "There's no 'right' amount of time to respond to someonebut what you want to look for is a change," Bruneau explains. "Don't compare this person to the last person you saw-compare them to the person they were when you first started seeing each other."</p>

<p>Need to blow off some steam? Here are all the petty texts you wish you'd sent to a slow fader:</p>

<h1>  2.   Their responses are shorter and less enthusiastic.  </h1>

<p>Similarly, the thing to notice here is a behavioral change. If they used to send you news clips and tell you how excited they were to see you, and now youre lucky to get more than an emoji, somethings probably up. "When youre dating someone, you shouldnt have to wonder when youre going to see them or when theyre going to text," says <a href="https://andiforness.com/" id="67e0741d-d757-3cbd-a2b3-a7a0f3ad2aed">  </a> , an online dating coach in Austin.</p>

<h1>  3.   They stop making concrete plans.  </h1>

<p>You might not want to admit it, but someone saying, "Sure, lets hang out," is totally different from asking, "Are you free to check out my friends art exhibit Thursday after work?" </p>

<p>Slow faders may have some interest in seeing you again, but not so much interest that theyre actually firming up plans-or, at least, plans that require any sort of effort-to make it happen. For Bruneaus slow-fading boyfriend, for example, what used to be frequent, thoughtful dates became infrequent Netflix and chill sessions (ugh). </p>

<h1>  4.   You always initiate the conversation-and it falls flat.   </h1>

<p>Typically, if you toss the conversational ball, an interested potential partner will catch and throw it back. But a swing and a miss-several times over-could signal trouble, says Christie Tcharkhoutian, PhD, LMFT, a Los Angelesbased senior matchmaker with the matchmaking service  . </p>

<p>"If you are always the one texting or calling your potential significant other, and their responses are one-sided and closed rather than engaging and asking you more questions, they may be trying to slow fade away from you," she explains. Take a look at your most recent convo, and if you're swimming in blue (or green) texts, it's probably best to move on. </p>

<p>Slow faders will keep you around, but they wont prioritize you. Maybe its because they dont want to have no one ("People dont like to be alone," Forness says); maybe its because you seem like someone they should be dating. </p>

<p>Either way, their energy is spent elsewhere. "Because of apps, everyone knows theres about 200 other people they could probably go out with," Forness says. "The person [the slow fader has] chemistry with is going to get priority." </p>

<h1>  6.   Your gut tells you theyre distancing themselves.  </h1>

<p>The whole art of the slow fade is that it can be easily chalked up to something else: a vacation, new job, or illness that understandably makes dating less of a priority. So determining whether youre dealing with a slow fader or a genuinely busy (or just flaky) person mostly comes down to your gut, Bruneau says. "When you start to notice a shift in energy, you're probably right."</p>

<h1>  Okay, you're getting slow faded. Now what?   </h1>

<p>Stop chasing him or her and wait to be chased, experts say. "If they truly are not slow fading, they will reach out or try to connect at some point in some way," Tcharkhoutian says. At that point, feel free to say something like, "If you want to keep your VIP texting privileges, you need to ask me out in the next 24 hours" or some other concrete time frame, Forness suggests. That's a bold move, sure, but at least you'll (finally) get a straight answer. </p>

<p>If they dont reach back out, "they are accepting the reality that you may be The One That Gets Away," Tcharkhoutian says. If theyre cool with that, you dont want to be with them, anyway. </p>

<p>Its also relationship expertapproved to confront the slow fader as soon as you sense that shift in energy or responsiveness. Forness suggests saying something like, "I feel like youre pulling away-do you need some space or more time?" If the answer is yes, honor that. Smothering someone who moves at a different pace never works. Plus, its important to maintain your own identity and interests while dating, Forness says. "The other person should be like dessert," she explains. "You are the main course."</p>

<p>\"The other person should be like dessert. You are the main course.\"</p>

<p>However, if the slow fade triggers a disinterest on your end (fair), confront the person by noting the shift in communication, what that signals to you, and why youre not into that, Tcharkhoutian says. </p>

<p>For example: "Hey, Ive noticed that your communication has decreased a lot, and you take a long time to respond. I think that may mean youre no longer interested in seeing where things go, and Im looking for a relationship thats built on honesty, communication, and respect. I wish you the best." </p>

<p>Boom. You're free to find someone who's actually worth your time. </p>

Is The Person You're Dating Pulling A 'Slow Fade'?

Everything about Daisy Testas first date indicated there would be a second. The pair lingered over dinner and drinks for hours, took a walk in the park, and even kissed on a swing set. "We both are interested in seeing each other again," the now-31-year-old academic counselor in Chicago wrote on her blog at the time.

6 Signs The Person You're Dating Is Pulling A 'Slow Fade'—And How To Handle It Like A Pro

<p>"As soon as we talk about setting boundaries, its interpreted as being calculative and not fully 'in,'" says  , PhD, a social psychologist and sexuality counselor in Newport Beach, California. "This is the root of the problem."</p>

<p>In reality, well-defined-and respected-boundaries can lay the groundwork for a healthy relationship, says <a href="https://www.family-institute.org/therapists-locations/staff/erika-lawrence" id="fda6a065-5a69-3c8a-a3ec-17d4c716274e">  Erika Lawrence </a> , a clinical psychologist and director of translational science at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. "Theyre a way of showing respect for the relationship, which allows the relationship to grow in a healthy way if theyre communicated early on," she says.</p>

<p>Heres how to set healthy boundaries without hurting your S.O.'s feelings: </p>

<p>If you dont think about what your boundaries are, your partner will wind up defining them for you-likely, by crossing them (again and again). "This is one of the main reasons why, after a while, people get resentful toward their partners or feel bad about themselves when they see they were not as clear about setting their own boundaries," Nasserzadeh says. </p>

<h1> 2. Consider: touch, words, time, and distance.  </h1>

<p>Its not always easy to know what your boundaries are, especially in a new relationship. Lawrence recommends thinking about your boundaries in four categories: touch, words, time, and physical and emotional distance. </p>

<p>So maybe youre only cool with handholding in public (touch), wont accept name-calling (words), value alone time (time), and care about moving slowly, emotionally, in a relationship (distance). Then, trust your gut, Lawrence says. "If youre not ready to move that boundary, anyone who is worth being with will respect that."</p>

<p>If youre new to "boundary setting," it may help to meditate on them in the mornings- maybe in conjunction with an intention-setting practice-until they simply become part of the way you think and act. "When you 'are' a person with clear boundaries,"Nasserzadeh says, "you dont need to 'do' boundary-setting every day." Just like eating right and exercising, it becomes just another part of your lifestyle. </p>

<h1> 4. Start the boundary-setting discussion. </h1>

<p>Theres no one way to talk about your boundaries. Maybe discussions about, say, how you both feel about cancelling plans (tbh, great) might come up organically, while others, like your need to give consent before your partner tries anything masochistic in the bedroom, may need to be stated more proactively. </p>

<p>One way into those kinds of conversations is to ask your partner first how they feel about certain lines, Lawrence says. Is texting during the workday cool or disruptive? Is cancelling a date easily forgivable or totally offensive? Feelings on kissing in public? "It can feel artificial because its not a conversation were used to having, unless our boundaries have been violated," Lawrence notes. But it'll get easier. "Over time, it can feel more natural, and you kind of make it your own."</p>

<p> Its not enough to just talk about your boundaries. You also need to act like someone who deserves respect. "When you deeply respect yourself, it manifests in certain behaviors," Nasserzadeh says. For instance, is your partner always served first at dinner? Are you always the one to adjust your schedule when theres a conflict? "Be aware if you are constantly sending signals that you come in second," she advises. </p>

<h1> 6. Use a scale from 1 to 10 to call out out boundary crossing.  </h1>

<p>Sometimes, boundaries get crossed. Its how you handle that violation that can make or break a relationship. First, avoid addressing the misstep in the heat of the moment, and instead, raise your concern when youre both calm. "If the person you are dating is always a few minutes late and this bothers you, you need to speak about this kindly but firmly-not alluding to it, mentioning it in the passing, or [addressing it] jokingly," Nasserzadeh says. </p>

<p>She recommends using a scale of 1 to 10 to make it clear how important each point is to you. Saying, "Ugh, its so annoying that youre always late" likely wont result in any significant changes. Saying, "On a scale from 1 to 10, promptness is an 8-thats how important it is to me" should do the trick. </p>

<p>Opposites often attract, but here's how to stay together for the long haul: </p>

<h1> 7. Use "I" statements and other therapist-approved conversation techniques.  </h1>

<p>Begin the conversation by "setting the stage," Lawrence suggests, which means noting something that you value in the relationship. You might open with, "Youre very important to me, so I want to tell you the truth," for example. Then, name the behavior youd like to change using "I" statements to explain how that action (or inaction)-not the person-makes you feel. Maybe you say, "I feel frustrated when you say youll pay the bills, and then you dont send in the money." Finally, make a direct request for the behavior to change. For instance: "I want you to follow through when you say youll do X." </p>

<h1> 8. Recognize that discomfort is normal-and, in some ways, culturally enforced.  </h1>

<p>Being assertive can feel uncomfortable in part because women are typically socialized to be more passive, Lawrence says. "Sometimes, we have to get over the way were socialized not to speak up on our own behalf." </p>

<p>But once you do, it will pay off. "It can be really freeing-its showing that you respect yourself, and its showing how you expect to be treated," she says. "It can really create a wonderful structure of a healthy relationship." </p>

<p>Some boundary violations, like physical or emotional abuse, should be straight-up deal breakers across the board. Others, like infidelity, may be less clear-cut. Either way, if youve followed these steps and your partner continues to violate your boundaries, take that as a serious sign this relationship isnt for you, Lawrence says. Your deal breakers are deal breakers for a reason, and if your S.O. doesn't respect them, that's as good a reason as any to end the relationship before it becomes unhealthy.</p>

Here's How To Set Boundaries In Your Relationship

You lock the door when you leave your apartment, set a glorious out of office message when you go on vacation, and almost always say no to party invitations that start after 10 p.m. (JOMO Is the new FOMO, after all). But when it comes to your relationship, your boundaries are pretty nonexistent because, well, whats romantic about that?

9 Ways To Set Healthy Boundaries In A Relationship

<p>But as long as there are colleges, employers, credit card companies, sports teams, and, of course, relationships, rejection is here to stay. So you better get used to dealing with it STAT. </p>

<p>And while it might seem like you need to get over rejection alone, you don't. This expert advice will help you deal with <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a22788375/how-to-get-over-a-breakup/" id="a6396baa-7ae8-38d5-aa6d-1e855b9d3b9d">  getting </a> <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a22788375/how-to-get-over-a-breakup/" id="c50014df-90ca-3c93-ac42-f3d2ec53e046">  dumped </a> , ghosted, or swiped left on:</p>

<h1>  1.   Scratch the word "rejection."  </h1>

<p>If someone rejects you, it implies they actively chose against you because of you. But about 90 percent of the time, what happened was because of them, says Terri Orbuch, PhD, a research professor at the University of Michigans Institute for Social Research and author of  . "If you think about it as them, you dont really have to cope with it," she says. And, as Wright puts it, "view this as happening for you, not to you."</p>

<p>Lets reiterate: Its probably not about you. To drive this home, try thinking about the situation using what psychologists call "other-oriented blame statements," like "He wasnt ready for a relationship" or "She didnt get my sense of humor." </p>

<p>"If you blame yourself," Orbuch says, "that affects self-esteem and mood and how you feel about yourself going forward." And that's not good.   shows that when people integrate experiences of rejection into their own self-image, the impact lingers. When in self-doubt, remember that rejection has nothing to do with you as a person-it's more about the other person not being the right match. </p>

<p>Rejection has been around as long as humankind, but dating apps make rejection a lot more in-your-face these days. After all, before swiping left there was not getting asked out by someone you didnt even know existed (ah, the good ole days). </p>

<p>Rejection may also just happen more now since dating apps and sites make it seem like theres an infinite pool of potential partners. "Theres the notion that you can always do better," says Orbuch. The point (again): Its not about you. "If you can talk to your friends in the situation, youll realize youre not alone," says Orbuch. "That helps you with depersonalizing it."</p>

<p>Need more proof that rejection happens to literally everyone? Even 'The Bachelor' Colton isn't immune! </p>

<p>Sometimes, you just need people who actually know you and love you to tell you how rad you are. Requesting positive feedback, if you will, can help those loved ones-who, btw, may be tiptoeing around your heartache-feel empowered to help. "Why not just tell your bff or sister, 'Im so down, I just got ghosted, can you tell me why Im OK?'" Orbuch suggests. "That person will have a million compliments to give you and help you feel better about yourself." After all, what are friends for?</p>

<p>All hail Elle Woods, who said in Legally Blonde, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't." </p>

<p>But that's not just an #iconic movie quote, it's also some solid advice. "Elle had a really important point here," says Wright, and thats that movement helps you process emotions and recruit happy feelings to your brain and heart. Plus, research has shown time and again that exercise is a mood enhancer and can also help you feel powerful and in control-exactly what you need after being rejected.</p>

<p>Like exercise, sleep makes pretty much everything better, including rejection. One <a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41467-018-05377-0" id="908b38c6-2d6a-347e-a9fc-5392f09ace45">  </a> showed that sleep-deprived people not only feel lonelier and naturally isolate themselves, but they actually appear more "socially repulsive" to others (according to brain scans), which just perpetuates a vicious cycle of loneliness. Um, bedtime!</p>

<p>Rejection hurts because, on the most basic human level, you want and need to feel like you belong. So, while getting turned down basically makes you think you dont, volunteering can help you feel like you belong somewhere because you become a part of something bigger than yourself. </p>

<p>Beyond that, volunteer work helps get you out of your head and do something good for the world, Orbuch says. Plus, <a href="http://www.exeter.ac.uk/news/featurednews/title_315358_en.html" id="b601c20e-376e-3f7f-a7ca-9a0d237feea7">  </a> has linked volunteering with less depression, greater life satisfaction, and boosted well-being.</p>

<p>The self-blame spiral is real, Wright says, and if you want to break out of it, you may need to activate a different part of your brain than the one the rejection activated. "Allow your brain to go from the rational side to the creative side," she suggests, by doing something like pottery or art, or listening to mood-boosting music. One <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1948550614542345" id="8162bc2e-42bb-3b30-aa6a-1707086e974b">  </a> found that listening to powerful music like 2 Unlimited's "Get Ready for This" elicits feelings of power-especially if you've cranked up the bass.</p>

<p>Whoever rejected you did you a favor. "Every person who 'rejects' you is giving you information about what you want and don't want-and frees you up to be available for your forever person," says Wright. "If you want one super successful and happy relationship in your life, a lot are going to have to 'fail' to find it. Its like finding the right pair of jeans... you gotta try a lot on before you find the one that fits your body like a glove." </p>

Let's be real- <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a25896483/how-to-get-over-unrequited-love/" id="6fa9348d-4383-350a-a5e6-dba376090bc0">  rejection </a> sucks. Actually, "it sucks the big one," says <a href="https://wrightwellnesscenter.com/" id="602bb5b5-75a2-3ca4-a6bb-b20c29788bc0">  </a> , LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York City. even shows that the brain reacts to rejection a lot like it responds to, say, a slap in the face, or a punch in the gu...

How To Get Over Rejection Like The Boss That You Are

<p>"Were in the middle of a larger revolution in gender and sexual identity labeling," says Phillip Hammack, PhD, psychology professor at the University of California Santa Cruz who studies sexuality and gender issues. "Theres new language popping up left and right."</p>

<p>Enter skoliosexual: an attraction to people who identify as nonbinary or to anyone who doesnt identify as <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a26087944/what-is-cisgender/" id="a826d4d3-a490-3a7a-adc6-77c2a32291d0">  cisgender </a> (male or female), explains Debra Laino, PhD, a clinical sexologist, relationship therapist, and professor at Jefferson University and Wilmington University. Often, that means an attraction to people who use the gender-neutral pronoun "they."</p>

<p>"Its very fluid in the sense that theres not an attraction to specific genitalia," Laino adds. Instead, you're attracted to how other people view their place (or lack of place) on the gender spectrum. Being <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19994281/pansexuality/" id="da03b9af-0a17-32da-a78e-257c59cdd1fe">  skoliosexual is similar to being </a> <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19994281/pansexuality/" id="615b7c5a-2603-32e4-af1b-8ee6ae26b1cf">  pansexual </a> -an attraction to all genders-in that you arent necessarily turned on by penises or vaginas (its all fair game). But unlike pansexuality, if you're skoliosexual, you arent into people who identify as a specific gender.</p>

<h1>  Skoliosexual is a pretty new term.  </h1>

<p>Skoliosexual has barely entered the Twittersphere, though academics have heard whispers of it for a few years thanks to their college students. It makes sense that the term didnt exist, say, 10 years ago, because we weren't talking about nonbinary genders then, either.</p>

<p>"Its accompanying this huge rise in the number of young people who identify as <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/a19930793/ruby-rose-break-free-gender-fluidity/" id="02bf606c-999c-34af-adf1-de3d15001841">  gender nonbinary </a> or genderqueer," explains Hammack, who points out that theres not much data on how many people identify as skoliosexual. "Skoliosexual emerged as a way for people to describe a new sexual orientation."</p>

<h1>  Skoliosexual can mean different things to different people.  </h1>

<p>Theres plenty of variation among people who identify as skoliosexual as to what it means to them. "Some skoliosexuals may be attracted strictly to trans people, and some may be attracted to somebody whos genderqueer," Laino points out. </p>

<p>\"You can be cisgender, skoliosexual, and polyamorous all at the same time.\"</p>

<p>Being into people who dont identify as male or female isnt the same as being turned on by people who dont outwardly look feminine or masculine. If youre skoliosexual, you may have a partner who looks totally manly but is genderqueer. Or maybe you're crushing on someone who comes across as feminine, but rejects the gender binary. You could also be into someone who looks androgynous. The point is that being skoliosexual isnt about attraction to appearance. </p>

<p>Ultimately, if you identify with the term, it's important to be clear with potential partners about what being skoliosexual means to you. </p>

<h1>  Being skoliosexual doesnt necessarily reflect    your    gender identify.  </h1>

<p>Lets review: Gender identity (cisgender, transgender, nonbinary, genderqueer, etc.) and sexual orientation (gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, skoliosexual, etc.) are two completely different things. So, while its certainly possible that people who identify as nonbinary are also attracted to people who identify as nonbinary (see hot celeb couple alert Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers), you can also identify as a woman and be skoliosexual.</p>

<p>The term also doesnt reflect your preference for or belief in  . "You can be cisgender, skoliosexual, and polyamorous all at the same time," says Laino. </p>

<h1>  Being skoliosexual may contribute to greater relationship intimacy.  </h1>

<p>Because of the whole "its not about looks" thing, it stands to reason that being skoliosexual can mean forging more emotionally intimate relationships. "There may not be this superficial, 'OMG youre hot, lets f-ck' [attitude]," says Laino. At the very least, being skoliosexual means you have to actually know-not just see-a person before falling for them. "Its sort of about an attraction to deep characteristics of a person," Hammack adds. "Its connected to authenticity." </p>

<h1>  You can be skoliosexual but not want to use the term to define yourself.  </h1>

<p>Of course, even if you feel like the term skoliosexual resonates with you, its totally up to you if you want to claim it. For some people, any label can feel more limiting than liberating. "Labels are the first step in helping people feel less isolated or alone in this world," says Laino. "The next step is recognizing that were human, and were diverse. You like who you like, youre attracted to who youre attracted to."</p>

Whether you first heard the term " <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/g19704306/sexual-orientation-definition/" id="0c14fe8f-c5cb-3673-a4c7-775ce09e7b12">  skoliosexual </a> " on Tinder or you still think it has something to do with the back condition scoliosis (no shade), one things for sure: There are a helluva lot more ways to describe your desires and attractions than just straight, gay, or bisexual.

What Does ‘Skoliosexual’ Mean?

<p>In fact, shed never loved anyone-romantically, at least. She couldnt even wrap her head around what that felt like. After Googling "cant fall in love," she learned there was a term for people like her: aromantic.</p>

<p>"I immediately thought, thats me, and was excited to have found a community to engage with," says Kschadow, a 28-year-old in Leipzig, Germany.</p>

<h1> What's the definition of aromantic? </h1>

<p>Aromantic describes people who "experience little or no romantic attraction for other people," says Bella DePaulo, PhD, a social scientist in Santa Barbara and author of <a href="http://www.belladepaulo.com/singles-research-writing/singled-out/" id="0dbdb3ea-3261-39f9-a6f8-9f8440e56307">  Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotypes, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After </a> .</p>

<p>Thats different than <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a17805521/what-does-asexual-mean/" id="c3279be7-08d5-378b-afef-0a2ebd5991fd">  being asexual </a> (a.k.a. not experiencing sexual attraction), though the two can-and often dooverlap, says DePaulo. One <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15538605.2016.1233840" id="d0bd118d-d241-3256-a6ca-8d3d7e021e30">  Journal of LGBT Issues In Counseling study </a> of 414 Americans found that almost 1 percent were aromantic and 0.7 percent were asexual. (Its unclear how many were both.) Another not-yet-published study out of the University of British Columbia in Vancouver found that about 27 percent of asexual people were also aromantic.</p>

<p>"Its important to use the term because it gives <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/g19704306/sexual-orientation-definition/" id="f4c65fd1-875b-3a41-a157-825542e25e9c">  aromantic people </a> a language to legitimize their experience," says Phillip Hammack, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of California Santa Cruz who studies sexuality. "In the past, it was considered pathology-something was wrong with you. Now, we know that is not at all the case."</p>

<p>And being <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19916578/asexual/" id="df83d35c-3e32-3a3d-a810-8d1d6a1cead6">  aromantic doesnt mean you cant experience other types of love </a> or develop strong connections to others, DePaulo points out. It also doesnt mean you cant or dont want to be in a relationship.</p>

<p>Kschadow, who still experiences sexual attraction, has a partner who feels both sexual and romantic attraction. This setup works for her because she loves the commitment and companionship; she just doesn't experience that same euphoric feeling that comes along with romantic love. </p>

<h1> Think you might be aromantic?  </h1>

<p>Though the identity operates on a spectrum and can be fluid over your lifetime, experts and aromantics say these are some common experiences:</p>

<h1>  1. You cant relate to romance movies or books.  </h1>

<p>When a character on a TV show fell in love with two men at the same time, Kschadows mind was blown. "I remember thinking how weird it was that there were people who fell for two people at the same time, and I had never even been in love once," she says.</p>

<p>If that sounds like you, you may be aromantic. Such experiences can be confusing, though, and may prevent people from realizing theyre aromantic, says DePaulo. "Romantic feelings are so widely celebrated, and so often portrayed as inevitable in everyones life," she continues, "that its hard for anyone to believe that they just arent going to experience those kinds of feelings."</p>

<p>Similarly, its common for aromantic people to pretend they're into romance because thats what theyre told is normal. "When other people share their fantasies about becoming romantically involved with particular celebrities, aromantic people may try to get into the spirit," says DePaulo. "But it doesnt feel natural because its not." </p>

<h1>  3. Youve never had "butterflies."   </h1>

<p>Maybe youve gotten butterflies before a big test or important performance, but when it comes to other people-even someone youre drawn to-nada. As Kschadow puts it, "I've felt attracted to people, but to me, it never seemed the way other people experienced it. It's always been clear to me that what I felt was never a crush, or being in love."</p>

<p>In her current relationship, she says, she feels happy and content, but a different type of happiness than her partner. "Maybe I feel less excited or euphoric," she explains.</p>

<h1>  4. Valentines Day is so not your jam.  </h1>

<p>Hate Valentines Day? Join the club. But while the holiday is widely disliked (for legit reasons), if youre aromantic youre not so much bitter about it as you are indifferent.</p>

<p>"We can think of romantic attraction as being more emotion-oriented and more cognitive in terms of the romance script: 'Sweep me off my feet and send me flowers and pay for my dinner,'" says Hammack. "People who are aromantic dont really have an intrinsic interest in any of that. Its not something that appeals to them." </p>

<h1>  5. Youre a dedicated friend.  </h1>

<p>Being aromantic doesnt mean youre not drawn to others, it just means youre drawn to them in non-romantic ways, whether thats their looks, intellect, vibe, or something else.</p>

<p>"Healthy aromantic people probably have close friends and other people who matter to them," says DePaulo. "Empathy isnt the same as feeling romantic. We can empathize with children, parents, and all sorts of people for whom we would never experience romantic feelings."</p>

<h1> What to do if you're aromantic </h1>

<p>Its up to you to communicate to potential partners exactly what being aromantic means to you. Is a long-term relationship appealing, or does it sound like a drag? Are you an aromantic asexual, or an aromantic whos into sex? Do you dislike PDA, but are cool with cuddling at home? Whatever your answers are, own 'em-and be open about them. The people who deserve you will totally understand.</p>

What Does It Really Mean To Be Aromantic?

Jenny Kschadow found the perfect guy. He was easy to talk to, fun to be around, a great concert companion, and he really loved her. Problem was, Kschadow didnt love him back.

What It Means To Be ‘Aromantic,’ According To Experts

<p>"You feel like youre being pursued, and thats cool and feels amazing-until it feels awful," says  , RCC, a therapist in New York City who specializes in relationships and other issues facing her millennial clientele.</p>

<p>But it's not always easy to distinguish true love from a controlling relationship. In fact, "a lot of signs of a controlling partner can be highly romanticized in the beginning of the relationship," says <a href="https://www.family-institute.org/therapists-locations/staff/heather-lofton" id="61060b29-d552-33db-a285-6ad8c80fa55c">  </a> , PhD, a therapist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University.</p>

<p>So while all those "sweet" moments he spends concerned about your whereabouts could mean chivalry isn't totally dead, it could also hint at potentially controlling behavior. Its important to have your radar up, experts say, because what starts as annoying can wind up abusive-and that's much harder (and more dangerous) to get away from. "One of my biggest concerns is how gray some of these things can be until youre a year into a relationship, which can be difficult to sort through and leave," explains Lofton. </p>

<p>If you think you might have a controlling boyfriend, here are 10 signs to look out for: </p>

<h1>  1.   Youre increasingly isolated from friends and family.  </h1>

<p>Sure, any relationship is a time commitment and may require you to adjust priorities. Maybe you no longer spend all weekend brunching and binge watching Vanderpump Rules with your girls, or every weeknight glued to work. But if your BF is controlling, he may not only dislike you spending time with the other important people in your life, but might even try to turn you against them ("Your mom sure treats you like crap"), so you think the distance is a good thing, Bruneau says. Take note now.</p>

<h1>  2.   You dont have many other people to talk to.   </h1>

<p>Similarly, a controlling partner isnt cool with the concept (and pretty much the fact) that he cant meet all of your needs. If you no longer call your college BFF for advice or to vent because your BF has made you believe he should be your one and only source of support, you may have an impending problem on your hands. "It's a form of isolation that I encourage all women to be aware of," says Lofton.</p>

<h1>  3.   Youre apologizing all the time.   </h1>

<p>Find yourself saying "sorry" a lot, even though you're not entirely sure what youve done wrong? That's a check in the "controlling partner" box. Someone who wants to have all the power in a relationship often turns their own faults on you-making you feel like youre the one whos too critical, not committed to the relationship, or even a bad girlfriend-because that's how they stay in control. </p>

<p>"You might say, 'I wasnt being empathetic enough or patient enough,'" Bruneau explains, or feel like youre always "messing up." In reality, your partner should be the one apologizing.</p>

<h1>  4.   Youre hiding innocent things from him.   </h1>

<p>Say you go to an impromptu happy hour after work or run into a friend and get sidetracked catching up. Do you consciously avoid telling your partner about it? Thats a red flag, according to experts. "If there are a lot of secrets youre keeping for fear of judgment or the way he might respond it may be a sign hes controlling," says Bruneau.</p>

<h1>  5.   His love is conditional.  </h1>

<p>While many signs of a controlling partner are subtle, this one-"Ill only love you if" or "Youre going to push me away if" sentiments-should set off the alarm bells, Lofton says. "This form of controlling looks like, 'I love you once you get a new job,' or, 'You will be more desirable to me as soon as you change your hair color or lose weight,'" she explains. "That can lead to women believing theyre not accepted or worthy of love." </p>

<p>Think your boyfriend's "The One"? Ask yourself these questions first:</p>

<h1>  6.   He thinks he's always right.  </h1>

<p>If your boyfriend is confident, charming, and persuasive, you might think you've hit the jackpot. After all, those are all great career skills, and they're probably part of what makes him attractive. But they could also make him a controlling partner. For example, your BF might say something like "having male friends is disrespectful to our relationship" with such confidence that you think, "I guess thats the truth" or "I was so nave in past relationships," Bruneau notes. "You get to this place where you dont even trust yourself anymore."</p>

<h1>  7.   He treats you more like a child than an equal.  </h1>

<p>When you lived with your parents, you couldnt leave the house in a short skirt or come in after midnight. It wasn't always fun, but hey, thats kinda what parents are for. A partner, however, should treat you like, well, a partner. </p>

<p>Rules or restrictions on what you wear, who you hang out with, what you eat, or how you spend your free time are not okay. "Thats a form of extreme protection and possession that can, again, be viewed as flattering, but also very damaging at the same time," says Lofton.</p>

<p>Will your BF just not let go of that one time you cancelled plans or when you told your friend about something before him? Thats not fair, and potentially controlling, Bruneau says. "Little interactions that keep getting brought up can make you feel like you owe something to them," she says. You dont.</p>

<p>If you want to share, say, your salary with your partner, feel free. But if he demands to see sensitive and irrelevant-to-him things like your text message history, bank statements, and work computer, consider yourself warned. One way controlling partners "maintain that level of control [is] by being very transparent about what theyre going through," says Lofton.</p>

<h1>  10.   He criticizes the most mundane things.  </h1>

<p>Did you used to think making the bed or chopping onions was nbd, but now, even those inconsequential habits are under your partners scrutiny? Sounds like a controlling relationship. Still, it can be tough to recognize when youre in it, Bruneau says. If you grew up with critical parents or are self-critical (arent we all?), "hearing that criticism almost feels more comfortable than not hearing it," she says.</p>

<p>Any one of these signs alone probably doesnt mean youre in a controlling relationship-especially if it only happened once. Maybe your partner had a moment of weakness and read an email you left on the screen. </p>

<p>But, if several of these signs add up to an overall controlling pattern, take action before the behavior becomes abusive. </p>

<p>First, experts recommend sharing how you feel with your boyfriend. Think less: "Youre so controlling!" and more: "I feel criticized when you tell me I dont make the bed properly" or "I feel distrusted when you tell me I cant hang out with Joe."</p>

You and your boyfriend just made things official, but he already wants to spend so much time with you. And he wants to know everything about you. And he wants to make sure you make it home-or even to and from work-safely. Um, if it feels like too much, it probably is.