"Narcissism is a pattern characterized by a lack of empathy, entitlement, grandiosity, superficiality, vanity, arrogance, and controlling behavior," says Ramani Durvasula , PhD, clinical psychologist, professor of Psychology at California State University in Los Angeles, and author of "Dont You Know Who I Am?": How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility .

Whew, that was a long list. But theres more: Narcissists also have difficulty reining in strong emotions like anger and rage they let these fly when frustrated or stressed, she says.

Okay, that soundsawful. Why are narcissists the way they are?

On the surface, a narcissist might come off as someone whos supremely confident and self-obsessed, but thats not really the reason they are who they are. "At their core is a deep insecurity," says Durvasula. "We think of narcissists as people who are in love with themselves. Thats not the case. Theres a lot of self-loathing there."

The reason they dont really care about others? Its a protective mechanism. She likens it to a cast for a broken bone. "Everything they do is to protect their fragile sense of self," she says.

Tell me how to spot a narcissist out in the wild, please.

Okay, so where to begin... Lets start with the most obvious: your dating life.

1. You feel like you're on an episode of The Bachelor.

Imagine being swept away in rom-com worthy bliss. The person youre dating is working hard to earn your affections. "In the beginning, they can be charming. Theyre skilled at courtship and will bring out external things to win you over, like fancy dinners and vacations," says Durvasula. Oh, and while they're doing all this, they're probably wearing super nice clothes and driving a great car.

2. But it's not all roses and champagne.

A huge red flag? "Things happen too fast....Its your second week together, and youre going on a trip to Africa. Or youre moving in together right away," she says.

That sounds kindafun? Sure, but heres the BS part of it: Just as quickly as they win you over, they discard you . Harsh.

Its all about how they view themselves. Remember their low sense of self? "Their thought is if they can win you over, you cant be all that," explains Durvasula.

3. They want you...until you want them back.

Youll wise up to their shenanigans soon enough, but the second you walk away, theyll put on a big love-bombing campaign to win you back, she says. Dont fall for it!

4. They seem perfect on paper (too perfect).

Of course, its way easier to prevent that from happening if you dont get sucked in in the first place. When you first meet a narcissist, theyll sound like a resume. "They have this performative feel, which can draw people in," says Durvasula.

5. They don't give you the time of day.

They may yammer on about themselves, but watch out if their eyes dart around the restaurant when you start to talk about your job, or how many siblings you have, or the trip you took to Thailand last year. They're too busy caring about how they're perceived and/or looking for the next best thing to pay actual attention to the person sitting right in front of them.

6. They're dangerous drivers.

Think screeching into parking lots and tailgating up to someones bumper. This reckless behavior stems from them lacking empathy (one of the narcissist's hallmark traits)they just don't care about putting others in danger."If you get in a car with someone in the first five dates, and they drive like this, get out of the relationship," Durvasula says.

Its better to hit the eject button before youre in a serious 'ship, or worse, get married to and have kids with this person. "Things wont change, get better, or become a healthy relationship. Its a soul-sapping life with a narcissist," says Durvasula. Yiiiiiikes.

Not to worry, here's how to break up with a narcissist for freakin' good:

So...should I even be friends with a narcissist?

Tbh, its up to you, but you should definitely check your expectations for what youll get out of that kind of friendship . Its unlikely that a narcissist will respond to you when you need them the most, like during a breakup, a family illness, or crisis at work. "It can be very hurtful when you realize that theyre not there for you," notes Durvasula.

However, the bright spot is that a narcissist can be fun to be surface-level friends with. So, feel free to head to a party or club together, but she wont be your ride-or-die.

Bottom line: Narcissism is having a moment RN, but Durvasula would tell you not to obsess over labeling someone as one. What is most important, at the end of the day, is how someone treats younarcissist or not. If theyre not empathetic, wont listen to you, invalidates your experiencesthese are all makings of a toxic relationship either way.

"We live in a strange time where we reward people like this. They tend to be more successful, make more money, and are well put together," she says. Worse, peopleespecially womenoften receive the message that they should want to be with them, because of those qualities. But "it will be a long, lonely life with a narcissist," Durvasula says.

Consider that your warning, and maybe put yourself first here, since you know, ultimately, they're going to do the same.