As it turns out, Im not alone. The forums of Reddit , Quora , and Yahoo! Answers are filled with men-its always men-asking other men what it means when someone calls them boss, and whether they should be honored, amused, or offended. Its meant to insult you without you realizing it, some say . Its just slang. Get over it, others counter .
As far as appellations go, everyone seems to agree that boss isnt nearly as aggressive as chief, which was an implicit asshole, long before the memes made it official . And personally speaking, Ill always take boss over big guy, another faux-submissive colloquiallism that just seems like a cutesy way of saying youre fat or freakishly tall. But boss still rankles. When I polled that modern authority on civil discourse, a bunch of randos on Twitter, the more than 1,500 votes I received were split nearly evenly between those who found the term friendly and sociable, and those who thought it was a sly insult.
Hey guys (and mostly guys, I'm assuming), answer this question for a piece I'm working on. Comments are very welcome. When another guy-who's not your employee-casually calls you "boss," you think he is: - Sean O'Neal (@seanoneal) March 12, 2019
I can't speak to intent, but it always feels like condescension. - David Hines (@dbh1ne2) March 12, 2019
A few years ago, in a composition course I taught at [MO state school] I had a student who only referred to me as "boss." It's hard to explain--without a gdmf thread--how & why his usage came across as pathologically condescending, but it was chilling and infuriating. - Marc McKee (@Marc_McKee) March 13, 2019
Boss and chief I basically hear as you piece of shit. Thats how I use it, anyways. - Mike Wilkerson (@milkerson) March 12, 2019
How can such a tiny word create such a huge divide? As with so many things, how you hear boss depends greatly on how its being said. (Its like aloha. Its in the inflection, offered my former coworker, critic Scott Tobias.) Theres also the matter of the words immediately surrounding it, and possibly even the state surrounding you. Few respondents said they found boss to be a sign of actual deference, suggesting it doesnt convey the same subservience here as it does in say, India or the Phillippines, where its often used to sweet-talk tourists.
My first guess would be "Indian", but I don't know if it's actually a thing in India, or just among British Asians - Ste JM (@stejormur) March 12, 2019
This is a pretty common form of address in Manila. From what I've observed it's usually politely deferential, most often used by customers towards servicepersons. It seems to ease the potential insult of a pointed request, implying they have authority in their field. - sam julian (@myopiad) March 12, 2019
But from the South to the Northeast, to a remarkably specific stretch of land between Poughkeepsie and Atlantic City, I heard from plenty of guys who say boss is a commonly accepted variant of sir in their hometowns, and sometimes even subs in for man, dude, or bro.
In south Texas its a pretty common part of the dialect for someone providing a service, like a mechanic or repair person, to refer to their customer as boss. Its very casual, and doesnt imply either condescension or subserviences. - Dead Letter Orifice (@stacktdeck) March 12, 2019
I live in the south so I get a lot of boss, chief, etc. Also, Im pretty big so I get big guy/man a lot. I think down here its polite but not so formal as a sir. Might just be my perception though - Aaron Wright (@deathfyre13) March 12, 2019
I've mostly associated this with meatheads who either work in a gym or a deli on Long Island. I don't think it's condescending, chummy, or deferential, but it depends if you like the alternatives being 'chief,' 'bro,' or 'my man.' - Dave. (@TakeDaveWithYou) March 13, 2019
There's an area between Poughkeepsie and Atlantic City where it's chummy. Anywhere else, it's asshole... - Tad (@WhatsaBaierlein) March 13, 2019
Context, tone, and regional dialect can all be a factor in why youre the boss. And of course, you should always ask yourself whether youre Bruce Springsteen. But finding it churlish or chummy mostly depends on whether youre chums already.
"For folks who are friendly, its a sign of respect, says therapist Dr. Alan Smiler, a prominent researcher on masculinity. Guys are attuned to power. We watch sports, and we know who the captain is, who the coach is. We learn this in scouting, in the military, in movies, these very clear hierarchies. Were taught to respect the hierarchy. We talk about whos a real man and whos a wannabe, whos a nerd or a poseur. We get this from a fairly young age. And if its someone youre buddies with, we see boss as a sign of respect. Its saying you have some authority.
Its only when theyre a stranger that things can get murky-particularly when that stranger is, in fact, carrying out some task for you. In a customer service situation, where you are technically bossing them around, boss can be an acknowledgment of the power you hold over another person, however limited. But whether that acknowledgment is sincere or grudging largely depends on how you choose to interpret it.
A lot of initial language when strangers meet has to do with establishing position with one another, says Jay Heinrichs, a New York Times bestselling author on persuasion. Calling somebody boss can be interpreted by somebody as ironic, but if not, its actually great, because it puts them in this state that behavioral economists call cognitive ease that makes them more persuadable," Heinrichs says. A salesperson calling you boss implies that you have more agency than you actually have. "Theyre saying, Im totally gonna manipulate this guy, but make him think hes in charge. And it can be a way of saying, Yeah, youre my boss-technically. But by stating that awareness first, Im the one expressing power here. Thats the mocking part of it. Its ironic hyperbole. Its a form of exaggeration thats not fully meant. The person saying boss generally isnt in power, but is trying to express a kind of power.
In other words, boss can be a sarcastic expression of resentment at having to cede power, or a subversive way of flexing about who really has it. And even when employed as flattery, its often only there to exploit you. So in that sense, maybe being annoyed by boss can just be attributed to your own shrewdness, a gut reaction to oily sales tactics and deceit.
That would certainly make me feel better. Maybe Im only put off by being called boss because Im far too smart for such cheap rhetorical ploys, not because Im a hypersensitive, overly analytical weiner who scans every human interaction looking for petty slights! Hooray!
Unfortunately, whatever sad gratification I might have taken from that was soon dashed by Dr. Smiler, who told me he doesnt really see boss as a means of establishing dominance-at least, not knowingly. There is certainly a way in which it come across as an attempt to assert power, or point out a lack of power, but Id be surprised if its really intended, Smiler counters. In that kind of retail scenario, its about the customers response, but theres also a piece there about the employee or service provider not necessarily being aware of their audience. The use of hierarchy as a way to establish familiarity works for guys who are fairly stereotypical, but it doesnt necessarily work for women, or for guys who have opted out of the man box, or who never really fit in there.
If you pick 3, thats says more about your insecurity than some dumb nickname. - totaji (@totaji) March 12, 2019
So maybe the salad guy was only trying to talk to me man-to-man, and because I dont actually feel like one, I just assumed he was being mocking. Perhaps my latent insecurity over my own inherent lack of boss-ness, my innate fears of where I actually rank on that proverbial hierarchy, the fact that when I rap along to Rick Ross I feel like a fraud-maybe all of these contribute to one fragile, Faberge egg of an ego, one easily shattered by something as innocuous as boss? Is it really something as cliched and primitive as a threat to my masculinity?
I dont know if its a threat, but its definitely related to masculinity, says Dr. Sapna Cheryan, a psychology professor at the University of Washington whose 2015 study, Manning Up, looked at mens tendency to overcompensate. Stereotypes about leaders are masculine. People think the best types of leadership qualities are masculine, even though research shows that thats not true. And I would wonder whether this is about the pressure to gender things in a masculine way that men have with each other-like calling each other man. Its almost like, I see your masculinity. Im acknowledging it so we can move on.
Still, Cheryan hesitates to say for certain that anyone reacting poorly to being called boss is because they doubt their own manhood. If you found it condescending, it could just be because you find it inappropriate, or because youre being reduced to that identity, she says. Especially in American culture, that feeling of being boxed in to a certain identity makes people feel uncomfortable. You just feel like youre being pigeonholed, and you react negatively to that.
Indeed, part of what makes boss such a fraught bit of lingo is right there in the word. Its a holdover from the slave days, a word borrowed from the Dutch baas that was first used primarily by freed men and women as a substitute for master. The connotation lingered as boss then made its way into the prison system (home to our only constitutionally permitted form of slavery), where it became a common way for prisoners to address the guards. And although the belief that the jailhouse boss actually stands for Sorry Son Of A Bitch backwards is surely an apocryphal flourish, that origin story only further underscores its coded disrespect and defiance. For some, those racial implications are never far from mind, and its possible that its usage still evokes painful echoes of those origins in oppression, if only subconsciously.
Even without that subtext, however, boss also suggests a submissiveness that some might take umbrage at on a similarly ethical level, believing boss to be a word reserved solely for the privileged. We share a lot about trans folks who are misgendered, and being mis-classed in this way can also be offensive, Dr. Smiler says. You think, Hey, Im a working stiff just like you are. If you take a certain amount of pride in your blue-collar humility, this slight invocation of status, however fleeting or unintentional, can clash with your sense of self.
Still, as much as I'd like to think that I've bristled at "boss" out of some affront to my Tom Joad-like standing as friend to the common man, I'm not sure that fully explains it either. For those who don't like being called "boss," perhaps it's an internalized understanding of the word's loaded history, or a cynical suspicion of the intention behind it, or their own neurotic insecurity. Or possibly all the above, subsumed into a single, instinctual recoiling.
And yes, it will always depend on how well you know the other person, and how it sounds coming out of their mouth, and maybe even where you're standing. But whatever the situation, it's always up to the "boss" to decide whether to be flattered or offended-and clearly, some of us just don't want the job. So if you want to err on the side of caution, maybe stick with "sir," or "man," or "person I respect unequivocally." Or hey, even nothing at all!
The recipient may not want some sort of casual connection with, say, a service provider, Smiler says. Theyre like, just do your job. Dont try to create a relationship with me.
Whatever you say, boss.