Whats up, man, he said. How was your workout today?
Good, I replied. Now its time for food.
Nice. Go feed those muscles.
(This is small-talk hell, and I hate myself a little for even writing this out.)
Our non-conversation was quickly distracted by a beautiful woman in the yoga room next to us. She was on her hands and knees, clad head-to-toe in Lululemon, doing core exercises. We watched her in that way where youre trying real hard to look like youre not looking.
Shes gorgeous, I said.
(Why did I feel the need to share my thoughts out loud with a veritable stranger, instead of just in my head? I have no idea other than it felt like a pleasant, harmless distraction.)
He nodded. I would do absolutely terrible things to her, he said. Just look at her ass. Then he made a kissy face at her (she didnt see), and turned back to me, eyebrows raised, like you know what Im saying, man?
Yeesh.
I shook my head, let out an awkward chuckle, and took it as my cue to leave. Have a good workout, I said. Then I walked out the door.
I understand why you didnt say anything to that guy, says Erica Smith, M.Ed., a Philadelphia-based sexuality educator. You didnt know him and you probably didnt feel like friends. But you also missed an opportunity.
Um...an opportunity for what?
An opportunity to not perpetuate ultimately destructive talk about women, also known as locker room talk.
Theres nothing wrong with finding someone attractive or even communicating that you find them attractive, says Smith.But it starts to be harmful when guys turn women into objects.
I think back to my conversation with Random Guy and start to pick it apart. We both thought the girl in the yoga studio was gorgeous. But it was the way we talked about it that matters.
Shes gorgeous is a statement of subjective opinion. Its admiration.
Look at her ass, I would do terrible things to her, and Kissy Face, however, are objectification. Thats what happens when a womans body (or body parts, or sexual functions) are isolated from who she is - her whole complex personhood - and treated like objects to be coveted, touched, and controlled.
Before I get all high and mighty thinking Im better than that guy at the gym, I have to remind myself that I still didnt say anything to him. I played along. And that is Smiths point. Thats the opportunity I missed.
Theres a thin line between admiration and objectification, and most of us slip back and forth between them in everyday conversations. It can range from uncouth and mildly offensive to downright aggressive and sexist. With a huge grey area in between.
Locker room talk isnt quite sexual harassment. But according to some psychologists, it can lead to men priming themselves to think of women as sex objects. As even if guys dont think they have less respect for women when participating in or hearing this kind of talk, our brains are making associations that create implicit bias. This means we may treat women differently...without knowing were doing it.
Its everywhere, says Molly Galbraith. Galbraith is co-founder of , an organization that seeks to empower women in and out of the gym.
Along with a cadre of therapists, doctors, and fitness-industry professionals, Smith and Galbraith created a free online course,
Its for people who work in the fitness industry, sure. But its also for regular guys who go to the gym a lot.
Most of us dont know what to do what do when you realize some guy is following a woman around the gym? What about when a guy touches a woman without her consent? Or when you overhear him asking for her phone number and he wont take no for an answer?
Answer: You speak up.
A recent meta-analysis of over 15 studies involving 6,000 college students across the US found that programs designed to prevent sexual assault by increasing onlooker interventions had a meaningful effect on bystander behavior.
The students who went through one of these programs were more likely to step in, should a situation require it. Plus, the students felt like they had greater ability to intervene.
The authors of this meta-analysis, Heather Hensman Kettrey, an Assistant Professor of Sociology at Clemson University and Robert A Marx, a Ph.D. Student at Vanderbilt University, put it this way:
Simply put, bystander programs are successful at encouraging bystanders to intervene when witnessing sexual assault or its warning signs.
Smith and Galbraith agree.
Even just as one guy speaking up to your workout partners, friends, and complete strangers, you can make a big difference.
But when should you speak up? And what should you say? I asked Smith and Galbraith to walk me through 3 different scenarios.
- The Situation: Youre talking with friend or workout partner and he says something sexist or offensive toward women.
- Should You Speak Up?: Theres a big grey area here, says Smith. Words like offensive and even phrases like sexual harassment are broad terms. So in this situation, Smith and Galbraith encourage us to go with our gut. If youre talking to someone and they say something that feels gross or makes you think, Why would they say that? then you should trust yourself to speak up.
- How To Speak Up: First, give your friend the benefit of the doubt. Hes likely not a terrible person who hates women. Maybe he made a joke in bad taste. Maybe he was just trying to impress you. It doesnt excuse his behavior, but it does mean his behavior can change if its challenged. Heres what that could look like: Dude. You sound like an asshole. Which you aren't. But you are currently being an idiot.
- The Situation: A stranger says something sexist or offensive toward a woman.
- Should You Speak Up?: Again, go with your gut. But just in case you need some help, Galbraith shared a few more common acts that dont often register as problems: Making rape jokes, even or laughing or making a joke when a woman shares an experience of being harassed or objectified. In my case, the guy who made a kissy face and said, I would do absolutely terrible things to her. Just look at her ass. would qualify here, too.
- How To Speak Up: Challenge them. Make them finish their thought, and give them space to experience some discomfort and reflect on their comments. You can simply say, What do you mean? When theres a little bit of silence and the tables are turned, they may just find it embarrassing enough to not say stuff like that again, says Smith.
- The Situation: You witness a man cornering a woman, following her around the gym, and generally annoying her.
- Should You Speak Up?: Smith encourages us to notice the womans body language. If she has her headphones in, is turned away from him and not talking, or is talking over her shoulder while moving away, these are all good signs shes probably not enjoying the interaction, she says.
- How To Speak Up: You dont have to swoop in like an Alpha male and start something that could end with violence. Instead, you can approach indirectly, create a small distraction, and give the woman an opportunity to extract herself.Just walk up to the guy and ask him a question like, Hey, are you still using those dumbbells? or Hey, do you know if this place has a dip station?
All it takes is a split second and the woman can easily move away, says Smith.
Youre not speaking up in order to shame or blame. Instead, were doing it to set a new standard for whats acceptable behavior. It may feel like youre being too uptight or making a big deal about nothing. But the truth is, it really matters, says Galbraith. Your voice is powerful."