"I got out of the Marines in 2006. The first symptom I could recognize was having a nightmare where Im in the middle of a firefight in Iraq and I roll over to dodge an RPG round. Id wake up rolling out of bed. Over the next few years, more symptoms came on. Physically, I wasnt taking care of myself. I wasnt motivated. I went to the doctor saying Im tired all of the time; I think I have mono. She was like, Have you talked to somebody about depression? I wasnt addressing the real problems."
"I kept replaying a traumatic event, October 15, 2005, when Sergeant Mark Adams was killed. I didnt know how much that was the root of my stress. In 2008, Id try to fall asleep and Id hear the kid laughing right before the bomb blew up. The scene played in my head over and over again. I walked into the Ocean County Veterans Service Bureau office in New Jersey and said I need to talk to somebody right now."
"I had no idea what I was getting into. I hadnt seen a counselor before. The second appointment, my psychologist took me outside and we did laps around the building. About 30 minutes in, he stops and asks, 'How many times did you stop and look over your shoulder?' I could only remember doing it once or twice. He was keeping a tally and it was in the 40s. It was the way I was trained; I was infantry. I thought I was so self-aware-of myself, my actions-and here I was looking over my shoulder 40 times in the last 30 minutes. That was when I thought, Holy crap, this is gonna go somewhere."
"When I got home in 06, I enrolled in English 101 in community college and I started a little bit of writing about what happened in Iraq. Journaling started from that. When something really began to bother me-like when ISIS in Iraq started to resurge-I would start writing essays that werent going to anybody. That writing was a transfer of emotion and stored-up energy. I deleted more than Ive ever saved. Ive done poetry. You dont have to be a good writer, just get your thoughts out."
"In 2013, I thought I was out of the weeds. Then I got the news my mom was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. It totally deflated me. So I wound up going back to counseling. After Id leave there, Id think: Youve been through this before."