Recently, MensHealth.com caught up with sex advisor, Debra Herbenick, Ph.D., M.P.H., a sex researcher and director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University Bloomington, to find out how to make sex better at any stage of life.
MensHealth.com (MH): If youre with a new partner and dont know what kind of sex they like, what should your go-to be?
Debra Herbenick (DH) : First, what I see as a human sexuality professor is that many of our female students have particularly bad sex. Many men pull out a lot of moves (ejaculating on someones face, dirty talk, choking) that they have either seen in porn or heard about from friends and assume women will like and try them out. But not everyone wants you to do these things to them, especially without asking first.
If youre a gambling person, go for the odds and have gentle sex. We know that far more people of both genders like it. One study published in the journal PLOS One found that the most appealing behaviors were those associated with romance and affection. Far more people like sweet, romantic things said during sex versus dirty talk.
We also know that far more important than anything physical is how emotionally or mentally connected people feel to a partner. You can have a connection with somebody youve only known for a few days or a few hours: You just have to be vulnerable. Sharing what you find sexy or open your eyes during sex. Be willing to connect with another human being.
MH: How should you talk about sex-and what someone might like-with a new partner?
DH: Ask: What do you like?, How does it feel when I do this?, or Is there something you would like more? Early communication helps you become more comfortable talking with somebody about sex-because it's awkward for pretty much everybody at first - but it also gives you information about what somebody else likes.
MH: What if youre in a committed relationship and feel like youre in a rut?
DH: Focus less on the physical and more on the emotional. Again, sex feels the absolute best when people feel connected. For people who have been together a long time, it's way too easy to think that sex is the three or four things you do in the same order every time. Try something a little bit out of order or think about if there are things you used to do a long time ago that you don't do anymore and try them again. Open up to another person; even for my 20-year-old male students, that's what matters to them.
MH: The orgasm gap is real. How can you make sure shes enjoying sex without being pushy?
DH: While 64 percent of women report an orgasm during their most recent sexual event versus 85 percent of men in one recent study , dont badger anyone. One of the main reasons women report faking an orgasm is because they feel like they have to orgasm or they feel like there's pressure from their partner. We don't want to push people to faking if they would rather not.
Instead, talk about it when you're when you're hanging out on the couch-not when youre in the bedroom. Say something such as, I love having sex with you then share whatever you need to share, such as sometimes it seems like you don't orgasm. How do you feel about that? If she says it's fine, then don't worry about it. But theres an opening for her to say, It would be easier if we did this. You just have to talk about it to find out how someone feels.
Generally, the more variety you work into sex-oral sex, touching her in different places with different pressures and movements-the greater the likelihood of orgasm. For example, a study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that while about 55 percent of women orgasmed from just one sexual act, almost 78 percent did with three different acts.
M ensHealth.com (MH): Is there any new research on touch preferences?
Debra Herbenick (DH) : In a study we did about genital touching, we found around 40 percent of women have one preferred style of touch, but most styles of touch are liked by at least 50 to 70 percent of women. That opens the doors for encouraging creativity and curiosity. You can vary touch or stimulation - circles, deep pressure, light pressure, rhythm, pace, and the shape of your movements - on any body part with your hands and tongue. You dont have to do one specific thing to be a good partner. Just be curious about your partners responses and try different things.
MH: Where should I spend time on the breasts?
DH : Men usually think its the nipple, but the tops of the breasts are the most sensitive, followed by the bottoms, sides, areolas, then nipples. Many, many women - especially if they dont feel fully aroused - will often complain about men going directly for the nipples. As my students say, Dont DJ the breasts. Instead, start around the breasts, cupping them firmly.
MH: What about the clitoris?
DH: The clitoris is a part of the body that is rich with nerves and sensation, so its important to many womens sexual pleasure, but how you approach it matters. We often teach men to stimulate the womans clitoris, but not every woman wants a finger directly on the clitoris. But one recent study found 36.6 percent of women that reported clitoral stimulation was necessary for orgasm, 36% said that while stimulation wasnt required, orgasms felt better if their clitoris was stimulated, and about 5 percent didnt want any direct clitoral stimulation.
If she pushes your hand away and you feel comfortable enough talking to her, you might say, I noticed you pushed my hand away there. Do you not like clitoral stimulation, or how would you feel if I just tried to the side? Some people put sheets or a towel between their hand and the clitoris or use different ranges of vibration on sex toys. Other women want incredibly intense vibration. Theres a lot of variabilities, so its challenging if we dont talk about it. Keep an open mind and be open to exploration.
Its also important to make sure that you're not doing to your current partner just what your last partner liked and remembering that this is a new human being with a different body. If youre with a newer partner, try to experiment with different things and different styles of touch to find out what they like, and, if youre able, talk with them.
Try full body massage, too, using light to firm pressures and touching different parts of the body to learn what kinds of touch your partner responds to, and where. When it's your turn, encourage your partner's hands to wander around and explore. In couples touch exercises, it's just as important for a person to touch for their own pleasure as well as their partner's-meaning that there's value in your partner learning how and where they like to touch your body, too.