Breaking up is hard to do, but wrapping up a breakup is even harder. One ex-boyfriend, at a loss for how to end our breakup summit, stood up and said, Be well. (And thank you for shopping at CVS, I added in my head.) I once panicked and filled the breakup silence with Are we good? after saying my piece-we were not good. On one hand, what you say now doesnt really matter: Youve already quit, so they cant fire you. On the other hand, its usually in these final moments, when youve already delivered the speech youve been rehearsing in front of the mirror for a few days, that a reckless grenade slips out, causing a mature, adult conversation to spiral into a bilious back-and-forth. Here are six of those grenades, to be avoided at all costs:
Will you be okay?
Even if she wont be okay-even if a day after your breakup shell get a dramatic haircut that she immediately hates and shell spend the next three to six weeks watching Law & Order, swaddled in her weighted blanket-she probably wants you to think shell be okay. Will you be okay? sounds a little self-aggrandizing. What she hears is, How will you survive without the divine blessing of my presence? Without this chiseled bod and righteous beard? If you want to sound concerned without sounding condescending, say: If you need to talk, Im around.
Youre going to find someone so much better for you.
The last thing I want to think about when Im being dumped is the fact that Im about to be single again. Unless you are prepared to offer up the names and contact information of several viable rebounds I might consider, keep the so many fish in the sea wisdom to yourself. Right after youre done talking, Im going to go kvetch about all your flaws to my friends. When they say Ill meet someone better, Ill be touched and soothed. When you say it, Ill burst into tears and then spend the next few hours wondering whether youve already met someone else.
I hope we can still be friends.
Every time a man says I hope we can still be friends, a dolphin gets tangled in some fishing line and dies. Its the worst, because theres no closure, one friend said. Besides which, when the dumper tries to initiate a friendship, it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too-that he wants to date other people while still enjoying the dumpees good qualities. If youre ever going to be friends, its up the dumped party to initiate it.
Good luck.
Where I hope we can still be friends doesnt quite provide enough closure, good luck is like a closure bomb. Good luck and its many cold variations suggests that you, the dumper, are totally cutting me loose, kicking me out of the sex nest, etc. In theory I want to be cut loose-I want space to move on-but I also want to know that youll be feverishly keeping up with my personal and professional successes for years to come. If you want the dumpee to know you wish them well and will continue to care about them, say: If you feel like it, give me an update on [specific personal or professional thing theyre stressed about.] Im still rooting for you.
Im sorry youre upset.
Even if youre not actually upset about a breakup, you should mirror the response of the person youre dumping: If theyre devastated, you should try your best to look devastated too. Theres nothing more humiliating that losing it during a breakup while the person doing the dumping stares at you, dry-eyed and stony-faced, and says, Im sorry youre upset.
Sent from my iPhone.
For Gods sake.
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