For my wife and me, directors of this spectacle, the process starts around 5:45 p.m. and can last till 9:45 p.m. What could possibly take four hours, you wonder?

That all depends on the night. A few weeks ago, my seven-year-old son decided that he needed to eat again at 8:00, after already ingesting a full meal two hours earlier, because he had to feed his growing legs.

My five-year-old daughter, by comparison, is hungry for knowledge and will ask me questions about the mall, her water bottle, or her brothers growing legs.

She also changes outfits, sometimes three or four times an evening, as if she were hosting the Oscars, only sometimes in pajamas.

If my wife doesnt fall asleep in the bed with our children, she emerges crying that we have no time for ourselves. And so after months (okay, years) of this insanity, we decided to make some changes.

Bedtime Trick #1: Bomb the Bathtub!

My kids will lie directly to my face and tell me that theyre clean even though I can actually see dirt under their fingernails, LOL Dolls stuck in their hair, and pinkeye growing in the corners of their eyelids. We dont need to bathewe smell like honey, they will argue.

That is, until they discovered bath bombs. These colorful exploding soap balls fizzle and bubble and delight, and who is the sucker now, huh??

Important fact: Companies sell CBD bath bombs. Tempted as you may be to deploy those on your children, resist and save them for yourself.

Bedtime Trick #2: Give Them a Sort-Of Choice

Presented with unlimited options, children will choose all of them. So recently my wife and I narrowed down those options with a (fun!) ultimatum: books or a game?

Last night, for example, we played Guess Who?, which I highly recommend unless your daughter is like mine and loses her shit if she doesnt get Maria as one of her characters.

But dont agree to more than one round of said game. My kids will negotiate like murder lawyers to get their way, so you have to be firm. Only one round. Okay, two. Fine, three, but thats it. Four and were out!

Bedtime Trick #3: Brush in Bed

My kids are like Pookie from New Jack City, except their hookup of choice is Airheads.

Little addicts that they are, they will manipulate those they love so they dont have to get clean. In response to Its time to brush your teeth, my children will scream, Im too tired! I cant! My teeth are perfect!

So in order to make sure theyre not paying for tooth implants in their 20s, my wife and I let them brush their teeth in bed and spit into a cup. SOMETIMES!

The strawberry-flavored toothpaste we have to clean from their sheets is a small price for peace. Plus, now weve tricked them into bed.

Bedtime Trick #4: Story-Tell Them Goodnight

Kids know how books end. Theres nothing for them to ponder. Stories leave them with something to chew on.

Most of the ones I tell are about kids their age getting into trouble with the police. I know its strange, but they seem into this. They love to hear about me as a kid getting into trouble, e.g., breaking the attic ladder looking for my bag of ninja weapons that got taken away from me, cutting my finger open with one of my ninja weapons, that time I was a little older and drove my dads car through the garage.

Should you follow similar story lines, beware. My sons first-grade teacher last week told me shed heard about the ninja situation, and it was hard to explain to the other parents at drop-off what the fuck he was talking about.

So I nodded awkwardly, gave a quick Hi-yah! and ran to Starbucks.