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Relationship expert Laura Bozarth of YourTango says that regardless of how attractive, successful or happy they appeared on the outside, most women suffer from the "good girl syndrome."
According to Bozarth, pop-culture word these days is all about the BOSS LADY, but many boss ladies who are bossy at the workplace and really successful, suffer from people-pleasing and self-sabotage in their relationships.
She says no matter how liberated women become, it's still socially ingrained in them to play the good girl role and do the “right” thing.
How is constant quest for perfection in their careers, relationships and health is ruining women’s lives?
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There are two types of ways that women approach people-pleasing. There's the “say yes to everything” and feel completely overwhelmed on the inside, but act pleasant on the outside people-pleaser and the avoidance people-pleaser. The latter avoids true social interaction or closeness in their relationships, because they’re worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. This leads to isolation and loneliness. The ”say yes and pretend it’s okay" people-pleaser becomes angry and will often lash out at the wrong person or circumstance. Regardless of the type, these patterns have disastrous affects on relationships and block a feeling of true self-empowerment.
For many women the good girl syndrome keeps them in a place of indecision.
She can’t decide things because she’s afraid of doing something wrong. Even the boss ladies by day are sometimes indecisive in their personal lives. They won't leave a bad relationship or set boundaries when it’s appropriate.
Commitment becomes a big issue with women in the good girl syndrome.
They either over-commit themselves or avoid commitment altogether. This stems from the inability to create true boundaries and practice healthy levels of self-care. Don’t you notice how many stressed out superwomen there are in our culture?
All of the people-pleasing and letting go of their own power in situations where their boundaries are weak, leads to a guilt complex. They feel they should want to please others, but on the inside, they want to have more control of their time and interests.
This guilt quickly makes way for anger and resentment.
Surprisingly, this anger gets targeted towards other women. You see this all the time — women get jealous of a woman who is her own person and does what she wants at any moment. That kind of freedom is offensive to women who trap themselves in a cycle of anger and resentment all in the name of trying to display perfection.
Study after study shows us that as girls get into adolescence, their self-esteem decreases. Some women are able to break this cycle and push forward to success, but many women live with the sense that they aren't good enough to have what they really want. It's amazing how many times I ask a woman what she wants and she's unable to answer because the thought of actually desiring something and being able to have it seems somehow selfish.
Then a woman gets to a point where she rebels, she gets so tired of being a good girl she will swing the pendulum the other way and make decisions that aren’t always good but feel like freedom, like over-eating or getting involved in dysfunctional relationships. This comes from a lack of true self-love and self-care. You don’t know how to give yourself what you really need so you look for something external to make you feel better, even if it’s not healthy. That means jobs that don’t fit you, relationships that don’t work and a life that you feel uncomfortable in.
What can you do to end the self-sabotage of your good girl syndrome?