Five toxic habits that you think are normal

There are things you may do in a relationship, or accept from your partner which you think are acceptable, but look a little closer and you will see they are toxic, driving a wedge between you.

As American writer Mark Manson has found, self-help books on relationships aren't so helpful, and neither can be looking at parents' examples. Instead, he has compiled some suggestions of what you are not meant to do, by looking at psychological research.

From his website markmanson.net, Manson notes some of the most common tendencies in relationships that many couples think are healthy and normal, but are actually toxic and destroying your combined life.

Keeping scores

This is when someone you’re dating continues to blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship. Those past mistakes are internally tallied, and it becomes a battle of who is the worst, and who owes the other one something.

Sound familiar? It's when you are constantly reminded of a past wrong you've done, and you are still paying for it –that wrong gives your partner some leeway to be a jerk today.

As Manson writes, don't do this. Two wrongs don't make a right.

“Not only are you deflecting the current issue itself, but you’re ginning up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate your partner into feeling wrong in the present.”

Focus on solving problems as they happen and move on. Don't store it for future battles.

Hinting and being passive-aggressive

Instead of saying what we want, some of us will drop hints or nudge our partners into trying to understand what we want.

Instead of saying what’s actually wrong, we find small and petty ways to needle our partner, to later feel justified in complaining to them.

It's a poor form of communication. If you're angry, let it out. If you want something, just say it.

Blackmailing

This is those constant breakup threats when you don't like something.

For instance, if someone feels like you’ve been cold to them, instead of saying, “I feel like you’re being cold sometimes,” they will say, “I can’t date someone who is cold to me all of the time.”

This creates insecurity and drama. If you actually want to break up, then do it. Don't use small dramas to get there though.

Being jealous and pretending it's love

This is very toxic – when you get all edgy and upset when your partner talks, touches, calls, texts, hangs out with someone else, and you get mad in an attempt to control their behaviour.

It's not affectionate, it's creepy, controlling and manipulative.

As Mason writes, it's also demeaning, like you can't trust your partner to be around other people and not jump them.

Buying your way out of drama

This is when any time a major conflict or issue comes up in the relationship, instead of solving it, one side covers it up with the excitement and good feelings that come with buying something nice or going on a trip somewhere.

It's bad because it doesn't actually solve anything and sets an unhealthy precedent within the relationship.

If any of these sounds familiar to you, it's time to reassess how you communicate in your relationship.